Monday, 19 September 2005

Dear Diary; Dear God; Dear Friends ...

Dear Diary ..
yesterday was the day my eyelashes began falling out in clumps .. i'm a wee bit sad, i've grown attached to having eyelashes .. i mean i've had them for my entire life .. but i guess its ok since i don't even have any eye makeup since i gave it all to my daughter in my recent attempt to rescue her from having lost all her makeup

today i'm hoping that i find something funny about having a hairless face .. ok, its not hairless, but God, if you're listening .. i have something to say

i have accepted the fact that i was losing my hair, i took control (which helped my heart feel not-so-helpless) and i had my friend Vera come to my rescue and shave my head, figuring that it was better to be bald than having the mangy dog with bald spots look

i've more or less decided that if my hair comes back in all gray, that i'm NOT going to color my hair again .. after my recent trials and tribulations, i'm kinda figuring i have earned every single strand of gray and i'm going to love growing old with style, grace and dignity (yes .. i am still planing on growing OLD!!)

i'm actually loving the fact that i haven't had to shave my legs or under my arms for several months .. there IS something good coming from losing body hair

my "private" hair situation will remain private .. ok guys?  i mean i love sharing, but thats just a bit too personal .. but since i'm currently single, my private hair situation will remain between me and my daughter .. i just HAD to show her the effects the chemo had "down there" hehe

BUT i have one issue God .. something i don't understand .. i have one single stubborn hair on my chin .. and i swear, that while that single hair is the ONLY ONE on my entire body that i WANTED to loose .. its growing like a weed .. and i'm a bit bewildered why you've decided thats the one hair that i deserve to keep .. and yes, i'm laughing at the irony of my chemo vs hair situation ;-)

health wise, emotionally wise, i'm on the rebound .. on the "mend" .. i've almost completely recovered from the viral infection that ended up with me being hospitalized for 4 days .. i know the chemicals from my second round of chemo on August 19th have more or less left my body .. i don't taste chemicals .. i am no longer nauseous .. bit by bit my energy level is returning .. and i'm on the countdown to chemo again .. this Friday, September 23rd, i'm scheduled for my 3rd round of chemo .. this time adding a new chemical to the mix, hoping that THIS chemical will be the one that reduces the size of the 3 inch cancerous tumor in my right lung and allows me to get one step closer become a surgical candidate

i spent a few days feeling frustrated that even though the 2 rounds of chemo made me so sick that i spent 4 days in my own bed .. i was so weak that i ended up hospitalized because of some tiny little flu bug .. i lost the ability to eat, i completely lost my appetite, i lost the energy to make myself something to eat or drink .. i've lost too much weight .. i have cried tears of self pity .. i had days that i prayed that i had the strength to endure the pain for just a few more seconds .. and then a few seconds more .. while i'd like to think i'm "living day by day", there were times i had to change that to "second by second" .. but i'm still here .. this "2 week vacation from chemo" has allowed me to get back up on my feet again and now i'm ready to hear the bells that round 3 begins

i don't know if God is going to allow me to be healed on earth, or if he's decided that i will be healed in heaven .. for my childrens sake, i hope God has chosen the former .. i don't want to die .. i really don't .. i'm not finished here and i wish God would send me a sign soon that i'm going to have some time left with my children where i'm "cancer free"

but i know, ultimately, its a decision that is out of my control .. what IS in my control is my attitude .. i'm going to continue to fight for my life .. i'm going to continue to laugh this damned cancer in its face till it runs away and hides with its tail between its legs .. and i've got a great oncologist and thoracic surgeon next to me .. i've got people in my life who believe in the power of prayer .. and others who believe in the power of modern medicine .. me, i believe in the power of all the above, plus the healing powers of laughter

what i DO know for certain is that i have gained a greater appreciation for life .. and for that, i am grateful

::drying my tears .. clearing my throat::

changing subjects like i've been changing hats to keep my bald head warm ..

i made a new years resolution a few years back to start replacing burned out lightbulbs around the house .. so far, i've been successful and i haven't let months go by with "replace lightbulbs" on my to-do list

next year, i'm making the resolution to start breaking down cardboard boxes as soon as i empty them, and not weeks later .. i finally received the new high calorie vanilla shake powder that i ordered online during the last week of August .. although the company offered no good reason why i didn't qualify for the 3 - 5 day delivery time, the powder finally arrived this past week .. i removed the 3 pound container of powder and as is my nature, left the cardboard box, fully intact, on the kitchen floor until i was "ready" to break it down and move it to the recycling container

my cats have taken a fancy to my laziness

momma ...

bubba ...

that fancy little hummingbird line gif indicates that i'm changing subjects, yet AGAIN !!

just in case anybody is under the mistaken impression that i've been leading a life of lazy luxury during my "chemo vacation" .. i guess i need to explain that while i've been home recovering from chemo for the past several months, i've still got a full time job .. which translates to a full time paycheck that i simply cannot live without

the deal with my bosses (boss's???) is this .. as long as i continue to fulfill my responsibilities, i will receive my paycheck

i've converted my daughters bedroom into my home office .. i'm an accountant, and one of my responsibilities is taking care of the personal books of my "Big Boss" .. i could go on endlessly, but suffice to say that my Big Boss takes delight in opening new checking accounts across the country and spending his money .. the banks .. hmmmm .. 11 accounts at last count, have decided not to return canceled checks, but rather send miniature copies (and i DO mean miniature) of each check that my Big Boss has written in 2004 .. my boss has the handwriting of a physician .. my boss's tax returns are due October 17th, which gives me a deadline of September 25th to complete his tax package .. a comprehensive package that details his income and expenditures during 2004 .. deciding my life wasn't difficult enough trying to decipher his handwriting, he decided this year i wouldn't need his help and that this would be the perfect time for him to take a 2 week vacation and now he doesn't return to the states until the very day of my 3rd chemo

it took me 12 hours yesterday, after weeks of inputting data, but i finished up his tax package .. today i get to track down 2 missing Shareholder's K1's and 2 missing 2004 1099's .. i've also got a package for my boss so he can sit down (without me) and translate his handwriting into something a normal person can read ..

tomorrow i deliver the entire package to his CPA .. with instructions to hold off preparation of his actual tax returns until my boss can go through the entire stack of "what the hell is this supposed to be for" checks and deposits to his 11 miscellaneous accounts

and tomorrow i wash my hands of my responsibility for his 2004 tax returns

:: big sigh ::

now, today .. i get to focus on the rest of my job .. handling the books for some 30 odd commercial properties, partnerships, corporations, LLC's, trusts and individuals .. i'm hoping this doesn't take more than 2 days

that will leave me (i'm HOPING) wednesday and thursday to enjoy my life .. i want to read, to lounge aimlessly and without purpose .. perhaps i'll run down to the DMV to finish getting my handicap placard (the original is "missing" according to the DMV) so i need to run to my doctors office and have him RE-SIGN another form

and while a few weeks ago, my pickup truck was delivered safely to my driveway by my ex-husband .. all dents incurred during the collision caused by my son talking on his cell phone and attempting to drive at the same time, removed perfectly by the bodyshop .. they also removed my front license plate .. which requires that i fill out yet another DMV form, submit the remaining rear license plate, and apply for 2 new plates

or maybe i'll run around the house and break down all the cardboard boxes that are scattered around in miscellaneous places

or maybe i'll finish recording my journal entries so that i can share my journal with my mom living in Las Vegas, who is losing her eyesight due to her diabetes

or maybe i'll start reading the books that were sent to me by my little sister, Nancy (more of the Butch Karp series!!)

or maybe i'll write thank you notes to my chemo angels

or maybe i'll return emails to my friends and family

or maybe i'll just sit here, spending the rest of my vacation from chemo, and share all my head noise in my journal eh !!! lol

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