in a perfect world

i filed my papers with Childrens Support Services last week .. i was so nervous that its a miracle i didn't get sick right there in front of everyone .. but the wheels have been set in motion .. i suppose the bottom line is that i'm relieved .. i'm not sure where things will end up a few months from now but i'm going to give this entire child support / child visitation issue my best shot  
thank you to those who left comments and emailed me privately .. it has helped me more than i could ever attempt to explain  
i've been extremely honest with my daughter so far .. i've explained to her that her father has a responsibility to provide financial and emotional support to her .. she responded with "you know you're going to make him angry" .. i told her that yes, i did indeed know he was going to get angry but i felt it was worth it to make sure she receives the life that she deserves  
i also explained to her that none of this is easy for me .. she hugged me and told me to be strong .. "and if you get scared mom .. just read your cellphone" .. after filing the papers in CSS on Friday i opened my cellphone to read my new greeting from my daughter .. "i love you mom"  
last night i sat down with her again and explained that there was a really good chance that instead of giving us money her father MIGHT decide he wanted to spend more time with her but i didn't want to make the decision for her so i needed to know .. in a perfect world, how much time did she want to spend with her daddy  
"every other day" is her idea of a perfect world
i laughed and told her i didn't think that was possible .. after a bit of negotiation we've made a list together to give to her daddy of how much time she'd like to spend with him during the year ..
1 weekend a month AND 1 dinner a week AND 1 week during Christmas vacation AND 3 weeks during summer vacation 
i've run it through the calculator this morning and it would increase his time spent with her from his current 3% to 15% .. i'm keeping my fingers crossed that he realizes this is about our daughters welfare and takes us up on our offer to spend a great deal more time with her instead of just throwing money at us

the AOL journal directory

i've updated my Journal Directory .. the newest additions are highlighted in bold


and as always, i welcome any input with pointing out broken links, deleted journals, new journals .. etc
just a note .. if you sign my guestbook to have your journal added to the list, PLEASE be sure and leave the correct link to your journal !! it really does make my life a whole lot easier lol

my "permanent" introduction entry ~ my journal entries appear below

elcome to my Head Noise !!

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friday head noise

i can't believe its friday again    i took my son to the airport on sunday morning after he spent a week with us for spring break and i've literally been moping around since  
i miss that boy something fierce  
i've seen his screen name online a few times since he went back to hawaii but knowing his distaste for the mushy motherly stuff that i'm so good at, i've kept my distance .. sometimes just seeing his screen name is enough to bring a smile to my face  
i ended up at the dentist monday morning with a toothache .. turns out it just needed a little loving care from my dentist and a few days of recovery .. with the aid of a few vicodin  
and if i recall correctly, vicodin has a tendency to give me nightmares  
and let me tell you, i had one hell of a nightmare monday night .. bad enough to keep me from wanting to go to back to sleep since then  
yea .. it was about my son .. and the strange thing was, even when it was happening, i knew it was just a bad dream yet i couldn't wake up .. in the nightmare i HAD to try to see if i could help my son  
and even though i know it now .. its just a stupid dream .. for the life of me, i can't seem to get the images out of my head and i've been walking around like a tearful zombie since tuesday morning