Wednesday 16 November 2005

day 146

i've been working my way through journals this morning that posted entries on how they feel about the ads in our journals .. i've read the notices of those journals moving to ad free space .. i've read of journals going private until something changes and i've read of people who's journals are essentially going on-strike until aol stops selling our personal "Your Thoughts. Your Blog" space as advertising.

i am angered that ANYONE at aol decided my thoughts, my life, my words are for sale

i am angered because i feel i've been forced to make a decision .. to take a stand against something i feel is wrong

the part that upsets me the most is that from the VERY beginning of aol Journals, we here at JLand have been treated like puppies attempting to play with "The Big Dogs" .. and they refused to let us play .. we didn't have REAL blogs .. they were only aol Journals .. anyone who was a part of the corporate aol giant couldn't have anything worthy of reading

because of my aol journal, i made the front page of The Washington Post .. proud that my journal had finally received some form of recognition outside of aol .. gathering from my email, guestbook and comments, i have a large number of readers who are not aol members .. they found me via the internet, some google search on lung cancer, or on some of the medical procedures i've undergone .. and now because of some decision some idiot at aol made, they've sold my journal as advertising space and pissed me off in the process

and guess what?  guess who's laughing at us?  guess who's shouting "i told you so" .. yup .. those Big Dogs we felt we deserved to play with are laughing at us

thanks aol .. we've been waging an uphill battle in an attempt to allow aol journals just a bit of recognition from the outside world and now you've made it impossible to be taken seriously .. we're nothing now but silly little walking billboards for aol

what am i going to do? how am i going to respond?  honestly, i haven't decided .. i don't know if i have the energy to fight aol again (yes "again" .. sometime in the past my journal had gone on strike until aol "fixed" something .. i don't even remember what it was .. sheesh)

i am torn .. my faithful "real world" readers .. who probably don't give a flying fig about the politics of feeling wronged by excessive aol advertising .. my faithful aol jland readers .. who are angry, saddened and frustrated .. i do know that some corporate giants refuse to listen unless their pockets are less full .. until it hits their pockets, "it" doesn't exist

i feel like i need to be very careful here about what i write .. the pressure of receiving the "Vivi Journal of the Year Award" .. i hate feeling like i am under a microscope

i am angry .. i am going through the most stressful time of my life .. i am sitting here now, another morning of coughing up blood, facing yet another day of medical tests and undergoing my first radiation/chemo treatments in a matter of days and i don't feel right about sharing any of my heartbreak in my journal where aol can make money off of my struggles

so back to my original quandry .. what, if any, kind of stand do i make in my journal?  i still have not decided .. all that comes to mind is that pamphlet about chemotherapy that reminded me that i would be wise to put off making any important decisions until my treatment is complete

important?!?

my journal, my readers .. are one of, if not THE most important facets of my life

again .. thanks aol .. thanks

Sunday 13 November 2005

day 143

i've got a lot on my plate today, so instead of sharing thoughts, i'm sharing pictures :)
i guess its become a family joke about me taking pictures of my kids sleeping .. so here's another one to add to my collection .. my soon to be 15 year old daughter .. sleeping soundly in our home :)


i snagged this one from my daughters collection of pictures she took of her new lip ring .. ain't she adorable?!?


my sister, Nancy just sent me this picture of my mom and their friend, Lisa .. mom had just given Lisa the 2 chemo caps that Dee had crocheted .. Lisa is loving both of her new caps :)


and it wouldn't be a pictorial entry if i failed to share our accidental garden .. its literally growing like a weed .. what you can't see, and what i can't seem to get a picture of, are the dozens and dozens of sunflower seedlings that have been sprouting up in the garden !! in the past few weeks, there must be a dozen ears of corn growing now too :)


today my daughter is going back to her dad's house .. but she's coming back on Thanksgiving so we can spend the day together .. i'm thinking about kidnapping her .. keeping her a few more .. days? weeks? years? .. i'm just not sick and tired of her yet .. as stupid as it sounds, i kinda wish she and i could get in a fight right before she leaves so i WANT her to go .. i'm probably gonna be the one calling her a few hours after she leaves, crying, missing the hell out of her .. i just wish she could stay home ya know? :)

Saturday 12 November 2005

day 142

where do i begin?  ::big sigh::
i found out where to begin .. my daughter spent the night with me (again!!!) so i just snuck in and took a picture of her sleeping .. i can't get access to the printer without waking her up so i'll have to share it later :)

my daughter and i ended up going shopping for teenage undergarments yesterday morning .. she was down to one bra that was barely holding itself together .. and now she's got a stash to keep her in dainty feminine brand new under thingys every single day of the week .. and i had a blast .. i'm taking advantage of being able to park in all the prime parking spots .. the parking spaces are so HUGE and my truck fits nicely .. the spaces are so close to the stores that i don't have to try to remember where i parked the truck .. we shopped at Target, mostly because i knew they had those carts i could drive instead of using up all my energy walking .. they're just a bit harder to maneuver than i realized .. i almost wounded 2 people and my daughter had to run along behind me and the cart putting all the portable clothing racks back into place after i got done moving them with the cart so i could just get through

then we headed off to the radiology oncologist .. called something like that .. my daughter is finally getting the hang of walking slow and even puts her arm out for me to hang onto when we walk :)  this is the first appointment my daughter has gone to with me .. i was a bit disappointed that we didn't even get into the measuring or tattooing .. this was just an "all talk" appointment and a brief physical exam and a chat about my current symptoms .. he asked me if i'd been coughing up more blood lately and i nodded .. this was something i hadn't shared with my daughter .. its gotten a lot worse the past 2 weeks .. the radiologist said he'd be able to help with that .. which is great cause i hate it .. i really really hate it

tuesday i go back in for measuring, marking me up with a felt tip pen (i asked for the purple pen) around 6 tattoos, and then wednesday i go back to the hospital for another CT scan

tentatively, i start the actual radiation treatment on Monday, November 21st (one treatment a day, 5 days a week for 5 to 6 weeks)
i should be ok to drive myself the first 3 - 4 weeks .. the doc says to expect the side effects tokick in during week 4 (this is when i started freaking out)  i explained that i live alone and except for my 4 chemo weekends when my sister Susie cares for me, i've taken care of myself .. well, i've tried :)

he starts shaking his head .. that just isn't going to be possible to me to care for myself after week 4 through about week 8, 9 or 10 .. and he says i can forget about being able to work full time .. that just isn't going to happen .. and i need to make arrangements since my routine will be wake up, go to treatment, come home, take a pain pill and go back to sleep

for around 5 weeks

and even though i've gained back 8 pounds, i can expect to lose a lot more weight when the radiation starts effecting my esophagus (wow, i had to spell check that one .. i don't even think i've written the work esophagus before let alone knew how to spell it) doc says there is a really good chance my esophagus will become so irritated and swollen that i won't be able to take pain pills or swallow, let alone eat or drink for a few weeks .. they will prescribe what is commonly referred to as a mouthwash .. painkillers, and stuff but eating will probably be out of the question

so he's checking with my oncologist to recommend they insert a feeding tube .. (this is the point where i wanted to ask for smelling salts cause i thought i was going to pass out)  um .. i don't want a feeding tube, thank you very much .. do YOU want to feed me liquids through a tube in my tummy? ha ! i didn't think so .. i don't want to either ..

and i found out that the radiation will indeed be directed at my lymph nodes and my tumor .. and i'm going to get sunburned .. mildly .. he doesn't think i'll get the blisters (thank god for some good news)

i don't know where on earth i got the impression that this radiation thing was gonna be cake compared to the chemo thing .. i wasn't ready for this kind of news .. ask me how bad i wanted a cigarette .. or a drink

and i need to talk to my boss / bosses to let them know that during the busiest time of the year i'm going to have to reduce my hours for several weeks .. i'd love to be a fly on the wall for that conversation .. oh wait .. i guess i have to actually BE there eh .. they are so not going to be happy .. i don't think the IRS really cares how sick i am or how behind i'm going to get in the preparation of 50 tax returns .. i can only hope that they continue tobe patient with me and know that i'll get as much done as i can

so guess what i'm going to be doing through Christmas? lol  ick

the other good news (i hope) is that both my children will be out of school and home during the time that i'm going to need full time care .. not that my kids know a thing about taking care of someone .. but i've already warned them that they can plan on spending time taking care of me this christmas .. its going to be hard for me since i am usually the one spoiling my children .. trading hats with them is going to be difficult

we laughed and joked through the entire appointment .. at first my daughter was puzzled and a bit embarrassed that mom would be goofing it up so much .. but during a brief moment when the doc left the exam room (to fetch the felt tip markers so i could choose my color) i explained to my daughter that laughing and joking is the ONLY way i know how to keep from falling apart .. i could either laugh or fall on the floor in a heap of tears and fears .. she finally "got it" and within minutes was tossing her own 2 cents in making both the doctor and i literally laugh out loud

i'd share more of that (like her suggestion that she be allowed to break off bits of In and Out burger and shove them down my feeding tube) lol but i've only got a few minutes before i call my mom so i need to get this posted to my journal

i am thinking i am gonna have a good cry when my daughter leaves .. she has been so good for my heart and its felt like so long since i've had company .. someone to laugh with .. watch tv with .. eat dinner with .. cuddle with .. i think i don't want her to leave .. but i know i don't have the energy to keep up with her ;-)

and shes looking absolutely devine with her lip ring !!! we made a good decision!

Saturday 15 October 2005

day 114

b nnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn <--- those aren't my thoughts, they're my cat walking on the keyboard (but i think Bubba is saying good morning !)


advise for the day - - don't attempt to read your own xrays - - at 8:45 am yesterday my oncologist got out his little tape measure and compared my xrays side by side .. its HIS opinion that my tumor is now 6.0 cm instead of 6.2 cm AND it appears to be less dense in the upper right corner - - almost like you can see through it .. he's encouraged because this is the first time that any treatment resulted in a change in the tumor
so we continued with my 4th round of chemotherapy and 2nd round of avastin .. in the meantime, on Oct 25th, i'm scheduled for another brain scan (to rule out that "question mark" on my brain) i have an appointment to see how the rest of my body is doing with another PET scan .. it would be great news if my lymph nodes have returned to a normal size, perhaps the chemo has eliminated the cancer from my lymph nodes, so perhaps they won't have to be removed surgically .. then i go back for another chest xray and appointment with the oncologist on November 4th .. he figures by then he'll have a better idea if i should continue with radiation or perhaps on to surgery to remove the remaining tumor and of course the surrounding lung tissue

about 90% through the chemo i started feeling extremely nauseous .. a first for me ... this is one side effect that normally doesn't hit me until the 4th day after chemo .. my sister Susie drove me home .. we got out of chemo at 2:30 pm .. by 3:00 pm i was sound asleep .. i woke up around 8 pm, popped a sleeping pill, then i went back to sleep until 2:30 this morning
i have my pain pills handy just in case the Avastin starts causing me any discomfort .. i've got my Zofran handy in case the nausea kicks in again .. and i've got sister Susie for 2 more days .. oddly enough, i can never seem to take a nap unless either my sister, Susie or my daughter, Kissy are here  at the house with me .. i guess i'm lacking in the hostess department lol
i did a little research on radiation therapy yesterday .. besides a lot of medical mumbo-jumbo,the treatment does have its own set of side-effects, but nothing compared to chemo .. i think i could handle the rads !
of course the extent of any surgery would depend on how much of the tumor remains .. the surgeon would need to remove the tumor and enough lung to leave a clean 1/2 in margin around the tumor .. thats a pretty big chunk of lung .. so of course i'd need to submit to pulmonary testing first to make sure i'll be able to breath if i'm missing a big chunk of my right lung

i feel like i've been to hell and back in the last 4 months .. the docs and i are playing this little game "lets see how close we can get Pam to deaths door, without actually killing her, but killing the cancer" .. they've pretty much convinced me that they've gotten me closer to death than i've ever been before .. but my tumor has remained unaffected .. THAT has been the frustrating part .. all i wanted to see was some small sign that all this pain and agony and suffering (not only mine, but the agony that my friends, family and loved ones have shared with me this entire journey) has been for a reason .. just a small sign .. and i got that sign yesterday .. the tumor IS responding !!!  so ok .. sign me up .. bring me to deaths door yet again .. i feel like i have a chance now .. i have no idea how big of a chance .. but its a CHANCE to beat this damned cancer !!

and yes, i'm crying again :)



i was chatting yesterday morning at 2 am with my son .. i was just waking up, he said he still had about an hour of studying to do before he could get to bed .. then he asked me "whats the deal with the dolphins as your icon?"
i told him that one of the things on my "to do list" was that when i was recovering from my surgery in hawaii that i wanted to "swim with the dolphins" .. he laughed and said he had a couple of friends that could hook us up .. "us?" i questioned, surprised he'd want to go swimming with dolphins with me :)  "mom, i'd swim with sharks for you"


on the family note .. i have another grandniece !! My niece Lisa gave birth yesterday at 8 am to Kylie !!  Congrats Lisa and Willie and Grandma Linda !!



thanks everyone, for your prayers, your well wishes and good thoughts .. i am feeling so much more encouraged than i have been this entire roller coaster ride :)  thank you for being there for me .. for being my friends

Friday 14 October 2005

day 113?

so much for a good nights sleep .. even with the sleeping pill, i'm wide awake at 2 am
i just had to share this with y'all


i swear i just got done with jury duty less than 2 years ago .. of course, its really not convenient for me to serve on a jury right now .. i've got chemo brain and i'd have to have them keep repeating themselves .. plus all these digestive problems that go hand-in-hand with chemo .. well .. lets just say i'd be calling a lot of recesses lol

there IS a box to check that would excuse me from jury duty but i need a note from my doctor .. that just doesn't sit right with me .. i'm almost 50 years old and i should be old enough to write notes for myself .. but no, now i need to bug the doc .. so i wrote the note, all he has to do is sign it
"please excuse Pam from jury duty next month because of her cancer treatment" .. its so close to the notes i used to write to excuse my daughter from school .. i guess life does have a way of coming full circle eh lol



i don't know how i feel about the possibility of not having chemo today .. its not that i like chemo .. in fact when people ask me now if i'm allergic to anything i always respond that i'm allergic to chemotherapy .. but at least i knew what the plan was for today .. i like having plans, they bring me comfort .. having the treatment all up in the air, still being a guinea pig trying out new drugs .. eh .. not my cup of tea

i was shocked to see no visible change in the size of my tumor .. as sick as i got this time i thought for sure we'd have that thing running for the hills .. but i also know that using Avastin for stage IIIa lung cancer is really new .. all the studies and trials were done on stage IV .. the studies i read (or had the brain cells to actually comprehend) stated that the drug added an average of 2 months to patients with a prognosis of 10 months of life left .. but they didn't go into detail about how many treatments of avastin they had to have before the tumor responded

and just in case you picked up reading my journal mid-stream, what we're trying to do isreduce the size of the tumor in my right lung to allow for surgery .. as my cancer is staged now, the tumor size, located in my right lung (6.2 x 4.4 x 3.8 cm), the lymph node involvement (the lymph nodes on the right side and between my lungs are cancerous), the cancer type (the non aggressive type of non-small cell), and the fact that we haven't found any new cancer = cancer speak means i'm NSCLC T3N2M0 and that gives me about a 5% chance of living for 5 years .. IF i can get the tumor removed surgically, my odds increase to 25%


oh, and i'm STILL a non-smoker !!  i actually went 2 weeks without using my nicotine patches, (OK, i confess i was just too sick to get out of bed to get them) but as i'm moving closer and closer to chemo, i've used the patch again for 2 days .. but i'm not gonna get down on myself, cause i'm still not smoking .. here is my newest update from quitnet . com ..
Your Quit Date is:Friday, June 24, 2005 at 6:30:00 PM
Time Smoke-Free:111 days, 12 hours, 17 minutes and 28 seconds
Cigarettes NOT smoked:2230
Lifetime Saved:17 days
Money Saved:$392.00

i'll take those precious 17 days thank you :)

Thursday 13 October 2005

day 112 "name the tumor"

have you ever done something that somebody warned you NOT to do, but you decided you knew better than they did and did it anyway?
i'm feeling kinda like the time i was a child and decided i couldn't wait until Christmas day and snuck down and unwrapped a present under the tree .. and afterwards i felt awful and realized that the surprise of unwrapping a gift on Christmas day was a lot more fun than finding out what i was getting before Christmas
i just got back from having the xray and blood work done .. and realized nobody told the xray technician that i wasn't supposed to see the xray
i told her that i really wanted to see it cause my tumor was feeling like it had been around long enough that it had qualified as "one of the family" and wanted a name

she laughed .. "once it has a name, its going to expect a present at Christmas"
"and of course, its going to expect to be invited to Thanksgiving dinner" i added

"and i suppose you'll have to take it trick or treating"
"not only that" i joked, but "its going to want a costume for Halloween and i have NO idea what kind of costume to get a tumor"
"maybe it could be a cotton ball" she suggested
"nope .. that wouldn't work .. its more of a rectangle shape, so probably more along the lines of a Volkswagen van"

"ohhh !! we'll paint it florescent green with peace signs all over it!!"

but i shouldn't have looked at the xray .. i'm NOT a specialist .. i can only guess .. and from where i was standing, my tumor doesn't look any different than it did back in June

i've got a call into my sister Susie to double check to make sure the doc said no chemo or avastin tomorrow if the tumor hadn't responded .. i just need to make sure i didn't make that up and that he really DID say that to me

of course, i could be wrong .. maybe i don't remember what my tumor looked like

i just got a call back from sister Susie and she recalls that the doc was rather ambivalent about plan C .. remember, there is basically NO research done on treating patients with stage IIIa non-small cell lung cancer with Avastin .. so he may decided to hit it again or give up on the chemo/avastin treatment and go straight to radiation treatment

so now i'm off to call my wife-in-law (my ex-husbands wife) since she was in radiation oncology for 3 years and get a little more info from her as to what to expect if i end up needing radiation

now i have the added stress of naming the tumor .. "tommy tumor" sounds so pedestrian .. any good suggestions?

the day before chemo #4

the DMV (California Department of Motor Vehicles) has got it in for me

seriously

i remember several years ago when i attempted to take care of a situation over the phone .. the person answering the phone insisted that i had to come down to the DMV in person .. i told her that was ridiculous and asked to speak to her supervisor.  she refused .. she also refused to give me her name .. and then she hung up on me .. 6 TIMES !!!

so i wrote a letter to the local DMV, outlining exactly how i was treated .. a few days later i received a phone call from the supervisor expressing his apologies and telling me that my letter was going to be used for training purposes .. "how to be nice" i think was the name of the class

but i think they keep a permanent file on people who create problems .. and they've got a file on me

several months ago i decided to put my ego aside and apply for a handicapped placard .. the little thing that hangs from the rear view mirror and lets me park in those valuable close parking spots .. i call it my lazy persons placard .. during chemo, i simply don't have the energy to walk that far to the store .. and if i have to park too far away, thanks to the "chemo brain" i forget where i parked my car

i was very humbled and embarrassed and even thought my doc might give me a hard time about signing the application .. he didn't though :)
so i mailed the application and a check for $6 off to the DMV in mid-August

it was returned to me in mid-September .. actually, a copy was returned to me with a letter saying they needed the original and they had received the $6

frustrated, i waited until my next appointment with my oncologist on September 23rd, and had him sign the copy in blue ink

3 days letter i get another letter from the DMV returning my original application but now telling me they needed the $6 fee

i decided that as soon as i was strong enough, that i'd have to do this in person, face-to-face .. i wanted a real live idiot to explain to me how something so simple could get so messed up

so i called for an "appointment" .. i got the earliest time slot a week later

and i sat there for 30 minutes waiting for my number to be called .. i swear if anyone ever comes to my office that works for the DMV, i'm going to hand them a number, them i'm going to makethem sit there while i occasionally walk out calling numbers that aren't theirs .. "appointment" my tush
but i finally got my placard .. i stuck it in my purse

and of course tuesday, when i finally venture out in my car, i remembered that i had taken the placard out of my purse out so i wouldn't forget it

and it was sitting on my dresser ::rolling my eyes again::



oh, i finally called the oncologist office yesterday .. i have my chest xray and bloodwork today since my chemo is scheduled so early tomorrow morning (8:45 am) i wanted to find out if there was anyway i could check out the xray to see if the tumor was smaller .. that way i wouldn't have to stress all night long waiting for the results (if the tumor hasn't responded to either the chemo or the avastin, i won't be having chemo tomorrow)

the nurse said the xray technicians couldn't show me the xray and the doctor isn't in the office today anyway so i HAVE to wait until tomorrow for the results ..
it feels like i'm taking a pregnancy test, leaving it on the counter and refusing to check on it until the next day .. sure .. right .. its cake .. NOT

but down at the bottom of the order for the xray, they have little boxes that the nurses check .. "routine channels" "telephone report" "patient back w/film"

first the nurse mistakenly checked "telephone report" .. i pointed out her error, so she crossed out the check mark and checked "routine channels" .. i suppose i could cross out her mistake and check "patient back w/film"
except there is ONE small flaw in my plan .. i can't lie .. i can't even pretend i know how .. the tech would hand me the xray and i'd crumble .. fall to my knees, reduced to tears, begging for forgiveness ::rolling my eyes:: somedays i wish i could just lie like normal people seem to be able to do



now i have a question .. does anybody know what this is? does anybody know why i bought it not even knowing what it is?  haha  i KNOW why i bought it .. cause it looks like christmas lights .. but really, does anybody have a clue as to what it is? and don't be a wise cracker and tell me "its a plant" .. i know that much lol

Wednesday 12 October 2005

THREE entries in one week lol

wow .. i'm still reeling from the news (check out the front page image of The Post in the lower right corner)


but now i have a quandary .. how do i begin a journal entry once my name has appeared on the FRONT PAGE of the Washington Post? eh !!!  i lead such a difficult life hehe


chemo angel update:   y'all know i signed up for chemo angels right?  i wrote about it initially here in this entry .. day 82
yesterday i received a card from my chemo angel Sandy in Illinois .. she wrote of harvesting sunflower seeds and of making a huge crock of vegetable beef soup and pumpkin dump cake.  i have NO idea what pumpkin dump cake is, but it sounds yummy !!  Sandy wrote that she knew if she lived closer that she'd love to bring me over some "comfort food" .. that in itself is almost enough to make me move to Illinois lol

almost :)  but in the meantime, she got me thinking i really would enjoy cooking again .. something i just haven't had the energy to do since i started chemo back in august

but that changed yesterday !!  i have tried to leave at least 2 days prior to each chemo to focus on "enjoying" my life (as opposed to being miserably sick and weak from the chemo) .. so yesterday i cooked up a huge batch of chicken noodle soup (i make a mean chicken noodle soup if i do say so myself!) and today i'm cooking up a huge batch of beef stroganoff (with shredded beef, not sliced beef) .. i got the recipe from TV, Food 911 with Tyler Florence who did a show on Russian food .. i'll let y'all know if the recipe is worth trying out .. i know its smelling pretty good lol

with the Food Saver that my sister Susie got for me (thanks again Suz!!), i'm going to freeze individual portions of the chicken soup and beef stroganoff to keep in my freezer to enjoy when i'm back to being too weak to cook .. thanks Sandy, for getting me motivated :)
my other chemo Angel, Erika, from Virginia, has been sending me the cutest gifts .. yesterday i received an adorable set of kitchen towels, oven mitts and pot holders with kitties on them (we both adore felines)

a few months ago Erika sent me a certificate from Barnes & Noble .. i've been holding on to it, waiting until i needed to buy more books (thanks to my sister, Nancy, i'm still up to my neck in catching up on Robert Tanenbaum's novels of the Butch Karp series .. she sent me 5 books and i've only finished one) but yesterday i received an email from Barnes & Noble about "toys and games" .. i took a quick look at what they carry and ended up ordering a vintage edition of Monopoly .. in a wooden box no less !!

last week my kitties got gifts of cat treats from Erika's cat lol 

thank you Erika :)


yvonne508 mentioned in a comment that i have neglected to mention my son lately .. he's still (he'd better be still) studying his tushy off in college over on the islands .. he calls me, rain or shine, at least twice a week .. i was a bit embarrassed to be bragging about my interview with The Post but he seemed to think it was pretty cool too .. he'll be home for Christmas and i'm hoping (really really hoping) that once my tumor has shrunk enough to enable me to undergo surgery to remove the tumor and part of my lung, that i get to recover in hawaii with my son

my big boss told me the other day to "let him know" if i needed anything .. so i asked him for a round trip ticket to Hawaii when its time .. i used to be shy about taking people up on their offers of help .. i think i'm slowly getting over that lol


oh, and my sister Nancy found out that Barnes & Noble carries at least one copy of The Post if anyone is interested in getting a copy of today's issue .. i'm flattered that its important enough to her to be running around town buying up copies .. i mean, i know i feel oddly tickled about being on the front page of The Post, but that she shares my giddiness is really neat :)

 (hehe thanks Kathy!!!)

is this like being famous now or what? lol

can you believe it? 2 entries in one week lol

even though i realize i'm taking a slight risk sharing this here in my journal (not only with all my journaling friends but the world) i am just so tickled that i couldn't even consider NOT sharing this with y'all !!

besides, keeping secrets isn't something i'm good at, nor is it something i enjoy

so when i was contacted by AOL a few weeks ago, asking me if i "minded" if they passed my name along to The Washington Post, to be interviewed for a possible article .. and then when the reporter .. a REAL reporter from the Washington Post called me and interviewed me .. it was killing me that i had to keep it a secret
first of all, even i know that being "interviewed" is not the same as being IN The Post

second of all, it was no doubt, going to be a tiny piece, hidden in the depths of the Post .. thankfully the reporter showed me to the washingtonpost.com so i could keep an eye out on the story
and then the reporter, Yuki Noguchi, asked if i minded keeping the story hush-hush until after it was published (can't have other newspapers getting wind of her story before its published!)
and then yesterday i finally received an email from Ms. Noguchi letting me know that her article is appearing on the front page !!!
ask me if i ever dreamed 2 years ago when i started my journal that it would end up coming to the attention of AOL (thanks Joe!) who would recommend my journal to The Washington Post

now y'all can say you knew me before i got famous eh !!!
check it out if you want, The Post IS available online but you have to register
here is a link to the "Print Edition" of today's edition of The Washington Post Print Edition
Blogs Offer Some A Cyber-Catharsis By Yuki Noguchi, Page A01 Logging intensely personal experiences on the Web has become a new form of therapy for millions.
Coping Online Page A01 "i go back thursday for another xray to see if the tumor is responding to the drugs and chemo, ... i'm in tears just thinking about it"
YES ! that last one is a quote from MY journal entry yesterday, appearing on the front page of The Post .. this is just too weird lol

i had a lot of good things to say about the people who read and comment in my journal .. for me, you all are the best part of my journal

Tuesday 11 October 2005

day 110

i'm sitting here at my computer playing Mahjong Garden (pogo.com) and realized that if i didn't get off my lazy behind soon and write something of a journal entry, that in a few days i'm probably going to be too ill to write so i best get a move on !!
i'm slowly gaining my weight back that i lost this round of chemo .. i got down to 111 pounds and this morning i'm weighing in at 119 .. i have just a few more days to pack the weight on and i'm doing everything i can do to help it along :)  i swear i must be eating 5 - 6 meals a day .. small meals, but still .. within an hour of eating i feel like i haven't eatten in days .. its weird to say the least .. but i DO have my appetite back and the chemical taste is gone so i can enjoy what i'm eating which helps hehe
i got to spend a few hours with my daughter last night .. her daddy brought her by after school yesterday .. i'd pretty much had a full day by the time she arrived so i asked her dad if he minded just sticking around and making it a relatively short visit .. it was a nice day so we ended up sitting on the porch and enjoying the sun

i feel like i spent the entire time watching how my daughter interacts with her father .. their relationship is so different than it used to be .. watching them joke around, even having their own "private jokes" .. i think its done him good for him to be around her and her sense of humor .. oh hell .. who am i trying to kid?  i'm jealous .. plain and simple .. there, i admitted it
i go back thursday for another xray to see if the tumor is reponding to the drugs and chemo .. hell, i'm in tears just thinking about it .. i guess a lot is riding on the hope that THIS time the tumor is going to be smaller .. and yet knowing there IS a chance that the new drug, avastin, just isn't working either .. i want the tumor to shrink but it seems to have a mind of its own .. i suppose i could stick around after the xray to check it out .. see for myself it the tumor LOOKS smaller .. i just don't know if i have the nerve to look at the xray though .. i'm scared .. really really scared

my chemo is scheduled for this friday .. this will be the 4th round .. oh, and just to make myself clear, i'm not having fun anymore lol
i basically caught up on all my office deadlines for the next few weeks .. its required that i work 10 - 12 hours a day, but at least i won't have to worry about the office after the chemo .. i have our CPA dropping some documents off at my house this morning, i make one more quick trip to the office, and i have wednesday and thursday to "enjoy"

i also need to stock up on groceries for the next few weeks .. if this round of chemo goes anything like the last, i'll have no appetite for at least 10 days, so i'm eatting all the fresh food i can get my hands on now, because afterwards, it will be impossible to keep anything fresh in the house
i lead such an exciting life eh?

i realized yesterday how easy it is for me to become focused on the small picture .. the "how much pain am i feeling", "how sick do i feel" .. sometimes i forget that all these struggles that i'm facing and dealing with (all because of the chemotherapy and drugs) are for the bigger picture .. the long run .. things get screwed up in my head when i forget to look at the big picture
i'm going to have to end this entry now, something that i'm taking is making my hands go numb frequently, and its really hard to type when i have no feeling in my fingers lol
on a brighter note .. i wanted y'all to see how much my accidental garden has grown .. i figure in a few weeks i'll be calling it my accidental jungle !!

AUGUST 7TH


SEPTEMBER 19TH


OCTOBER 11TH


(and just in case anyone is wondering, the sign that i have nailed to the tree says in spanish, "this is my garden, do not pull any plants" .. just in case my gardeners are ever again tempted to help me by pulling out my plants)

Friday 7 October 2005

day 106

most mornings you can find me sitting at the desk in my daughters old bedroom (now my home office) plugging away at the stacks of paperwork that sit waiting for attention
as soon as the sun rises, i open the blinds so i can keep an eye on my accidental garden .. watching the squirrels race around the tree .. watching the birds swoop down on the basket of nuts .. counting how many pumpkin flowers are blooming today and how many sun flowers are blooming .. the garden and its occupants have a way of distracting me from my responsibilities :)
one of our cats, mocha stud "came home" last night .. even though Mocha is "our" cat and has been for the past 5 1/2 years (when our next door neighbor refused to have him treated at the vet for an infection) Mocha usually only spends a few days home before he heads off to sow his wild oats (or whatever else neutered male cats do these days) .. he'll be gone for weeks on end and then just appear on our doorstep like he did last night
it used to bother both my daughter and i a great deal .. wondering where Mocha was spending his nights .. "i know he's cheating on us and has another family Mom!!" my daughter confided to me several years ago :)

we make sure he never leaves home without his collar and tag, and he IS microchipped .. but Mocha has never been an indoor cat, and will never BE an indoor cat and its something we have to live with

when he is home, however, he wants attention

and when mocha wants attention, he wants it NOW
and no, it really doesn't matter if i have work to do





Wednesday 5 October 2005

day 104

(A BELATED RECAP OF DAY 92 - SHEESH, WHERE HAVE I BEEN FOR 12 DAYS ?1?!)
finally and about time eh !!!
this is what i wrote saturday morning (after my 3rd round of chemo on Friday) and also what i wrote on sunday before i ended up in bed for a week, exhausted from the chemo
i'm wondering if in my stacks and stacks of documents on the chemicals i'm receiving plus the documents on the side effects from the prescriptions i'm taking if insomnia is in there somewhere

here i am, wide awake at 2 am and i even took a sleeping pill at 8:30 last night .. obviously to no avail !
i'm thinking i'm awake because the chemo side effects  have already begun and with them the realization that this is just the beginning of 12 days of seeing how sick i get to be
this morning i've got the hiccups (again) , the nausea and an upset tummy

maybe its just a bad case of nerves .. i received my first infusion of Avastin yesterday.  the documents they hand out with the drug, which is NOT chemotherapy, attacks the blood vessels that feed the tumor.
tumors send out signals to nearby blood vessels, causing new blood vessels to sprout toward the tumor.  This process is called angiogenesis.
Avastin blocks angiogenesis, preventing the growth of new blood vessels, starving the tumor and making it harder for the tumor to grow.  On average people taking Avastin in combination with the chemo have their tumors become smaller in size.
the side effects?  Weakness (in my case immediately), pain, diarrhea, nosebleeds, leukopenia (reduced white blood cell counts) and oh yea .. serious tumor related hemorrhage (bleeding at the site of the tumor) which is a terminal side effects
i called the doc .. apologizing for not asking this all important question during my appointment .. but if i'm gonna hemorrhage and die, how soon into the treatment would this happen?  an hour? a few days? weeks?  how soon before i can cross that off my list .. he wasn't sure but he promised he'd check with the manufacturer on monday (yea yea, it probably feels silly to everyone except me .. if i'm gonna die from this medication, i really do have a few calls i'd like to make first, so a little heads up would be appreciated)
so friday morning, as usual, my sister Susie and i head over to the lab for my blood work .. the lab has an ongoing collage of sorts where patients and employees bring in stickers and magazine cutouts to add to the ambiance of the framed artwork .. of course we added cat related stickers lol


we got to skip the xray this time since we already know my previous 2 chemo treatments didn't effect the size of my tumor at all

my bloodwork came back that i'm now experiencing anemia so i get to add one injection to my therapy today .. ick .. i hate injections but i hate anemia even more :)
my treatment began at 9:30 am friday
1 large bag of fluids with .50 mh benedryl to prevent allergic reactions; .25 mg aloxy to prevent nausea; and .20 mg decadrom to prevent nausea
1 large bag of fluids combined with Cicplatin (#1 chemo drug)
1 small bag of Taxotere (#2 chemo drug)
1 injection of 250 mg something that encourages my bone marrow to produce more red blood cells and eliminate my anemia (i think this stuff takes a couple of weeks to work though)
1 more small bag of fluids with a diarrhetic to make sure my kidneys are working (yes yes yes they work .. sheesh)
then 1 small bag of Avastin 800
with chemo scheduled to complete at 4 pm

at my previous appointment with my oncologist, when he hit me with the news that my tumor hadn't shrunk, in essence, the chemo failed .. the rest of the day is a blur .. at least this time i remembered to find out what Plan B consists of and of course, you'll never catch me without a backup plan .. so together, the doc mapped out Plan C for me
PLAN B - seeing a marked reduction in the size of my tumor from the combination chemo/avastin .. i'm scheduled for another xray on the 13th of October and my 4th round of chemo on the 14th of October
if there IS a reduction of the tumor shown on the xray, we will continue with the chemo/avastin until my tumor is considered small enough to be removed surgically
PLAN Cif there is NO reduction in the tumor, no more chemo, but set up for radiation treatments to see if those will reduce the tumor so i can be a surgical candidate
during chemo, one of the nurses walked around handing out hand knitted (or crocheted) hats for chemo patients .. i got a burgundy one and got permission to snag a purple one for Lisa, a friend of my moms who is also undergoing chemo in Las Vegas

and then we got sports bottles (free) and then the nurses passed out ribbon pins for our particular cancer type .. my sis and i got the white ribbons for lung cancer.  I also begged and received 4 free samples of Zofran (that big buck anti-nausea medication)
oh, and i got a free pillow to ease the discomfort from the arthritis in my neck

i think we were just a couple of hours into the treatment when my chemo nurse, Roxy, suggested my sister and i go down to the shop downstairs that caters to female chemo patients .. so my sister, Susie made our grande escape (with Susie taking pictures the entire time lol)








and i ended up walking out after buying a wig lol










after returning (dutifully to chemotherapy) i ended up playing musical hats the rest of the day, first bald .. then i wore my new burgundy knit hat .. then i started sneezing so i donned a face mask that eventually ended up on top of my head, Yakima style, then i'd wear my new wig for a while .. then back to bald ..
well, i've now written myself into 2:30 saturday morning .. i've popped a couple of pills to ease the side effects so hopefully i'll be able to get back to sleep and get this journal entry typed into my computer hopefully soon

Friday 23 September 2005

time once again for the journaling community to come together !!

Picture from Hometown

Here it is!

now go check it out !!!

how i spent my "chemo" vacation !

i'm doing my little countdown to chemo ritual (COUNTDOWN TO CHEMO CLOCK SAYS 2 HOURS AND 15 MINUTES) and i do believe its now become a tradition for me to post some meaningless post the morn of my chemo eh !!!
why mess with tradition
i remember being back in the hospital earlier this month with the flu .. did i mention that i actually got to see my very OWN oncologist on my last day there?  he makes his hospital rounds between 7 and 8:30, before he heads off to seeing a full day of patients that aren't in the hospital
i hope he's making a ton of money off us sick cancer people .. i don't know how he does it .. one morning, before lunch, he'd seen 25 patients .. not very many of us are "happy" people .. well, cept me ;-)
a couple of "techs" or "patients" have comments that my doc is one of the best there is, "as long as you can get past his personality" .. GET PAST IT?!?  its one of the things i love most about him !!  when its time to get down to business, he gives it to me straight .. no beating around the bush, no platitudes, no false hope .. he speaks the truth .. and the more "truth" i want to know, the more detail he's willing to give me .. then afterwards, or before, depending on the news he has to share with me, then we quip, or flirt a bit, and he kinda squeezes my shoulder or gives me a quick, one arm hug .. i'm not here to get sympathy from the guy, i want him to save my life so way back on Sept 6th, i'm in my private hospital room, my 4th day, packing to go home when i hear a knock on my door
i recognize the voice of my oncologist "are you naked?"
and of course i reply "no, but give me a few minutes"
he strolls into my room chuckling .. i'm at the sink, getting prettied up for my trip home

"rumor has it you've been running a fever"
so i wink at him .. "i made it all up doc, just so i could experience some of your infamous 'bedside manner'"
"well" he replies, "now you've seen it, and we can both go home now"
"not really Doc, this doesn't count because i'm not REALLY in bed" and with that i scoot quickly over to my hospital bed, flop myself on the bed, cross my arms across my chest and tell him "ok doc, hit me with your best stuff!!"
we don't roll around the floors laughing, but i know he brightens my day and i'm thinking a brighten his day just a bit too .. at least i hope i do .. if there is one person in my life who deserves a bit of sunshine now and then .. he's the guy

(COUNTDOWN TO CHEMO CLOCK SAYS 1 HOUR 57 MINUTES)
yesterday was MY day .. i wanted a 2 week vacation of sorts, i ended up with a one day vacation .. and i loved it !!

i even got to take a nap (ok, its cheating because since i started chemo, i can't sleep unless i take a pill but i DID take a pill, and i DID take a nap .. i LOVE my naps - happy hour is a nap!!)
oddly enough, my daughter has been with her father just a week or so before i was diagnosed with lung cancer .. then after the diagnosis, she moved in with him and his wife .. so i've been living alone for this entire experience .. except for the one or two times my daughter came to visit and spent the night or the weekends my sister Susie stays with me after my chemo ..
(with one exception in the past 90 days) the only times i've been able to fall asleep without taking a pill is when either my daughter or my sister are visiting for the weekend
hmmmm ..
any way, this journaling time is cutting into my shower time so i best get a move on

i spent the morning reading Immortal Certainty sent to me by my Sister, Nancy (waving!!) outside, on my porch swing .. loving every moment of it

then i decided how i wanted to spend MY one day vacation -- you see, i've been receiving potted plants since i've been sick from chemo .. and i'm not exactly good at remembering to do things like "water them" .. i figured if they wanted even a small chance at life, they'd have to be moved outside near the automatic sprinklers

do i drove myself to the hardware store (a mere 1/2 mile away), i took the truck .. giggling since the last time i drove my truck was in June .. and i bought 6 planters, 3 bags of planting mix, 4 new potted plants, and more plastic gloves .. i was standing at the register, the girls was adding up my purchases when suddenly the heat began to get to me, so i apologized to her and took off my hat, exposing my bald head .. she smiled and actually told me she liked it better !!  i said "what the hell" and drove home bald too lol  in fact, i've learned that if i was to keep the screaming kids from next door inside while i'm gardening .. do it in the bald .. i found it comical they were nowhere to be seen for the entire afternoon lol|

i then
 proceeded to salvage any of the "get well" potted plants and the new plants .. then moved the planters to various places around the yard so they can catch the overspray from the automatic sprinklers
and then i stepped back and admired my work :)
here's the pics i took along the way ...








then i took a quick shower cause .. well, you know .. gardening is "dirty" lol

then i toasted my new "garden" with a shot of coconut rum

and as i sit here now, i can smile and feel that yesterday was a VERY good day .. the kind that makes me feel "normal" :)
on that note .. i need to go pack my chemo kit and take a shower .. and i suppose i should eat breakfast too .. i'm just not feeling hungry though ;-)

Thursday 22 September 2005

i declare today "sunflower day" !!!

i have decided to take a break from eatting and reading about Butch Karp to post a few gifs i just received .. these were so perfect, i just had to take a moment so that i could share them with you .. Thank you Suzy via Adventures of Suzy Colorado .. i don't how you always manage to find such perfect examples to send to me !!
and thank you !!






aren't they just beautiful !?!?!

and for those AOL JOURNALERS amongst us ...
everyone IS using their new file managers to upload images to your FTP space now right?  i've used an internation form of the file manager (requiring that i read german lol) for years, its wonderful to see that we wee folk down here in the US of A finally get to see a version we can use too !!

BIG WHOOPS .. i forgot to post the links to your file manager lol  blame it on the cancer .. thats what we always do around here lol
http://hometown.aol.com/_fm

AOL Hometown : File Manager


its so much easier being able to upload 4 image files at a time .. you can read more about it in Joe, Journal Editor's journal ...
Web-Based File Manager Is Here!

day 91

i've only got 12 minutes before my daily phone call to my mom so i figured i'd sit down and at least start a journal entry ..
::big sigh::
tomorrow is my 3rd round of chemo .. i did my research last night on the new drug my oncologist is adding to the mix "Avastin" .. and found basically NOTHING about the results of the drug on stage IIIa lung cancer .. i read a lot about the effects on other types of cancer; a read a lot about the trials on stage IV lung cancer .. the results average that those cancer patients were given an additional 2 months to be able to live .. but i have state III lung cancer so it doesn't apply to me .. except i found one article that stated that Avastin "looks promising for the treatment of lung cancer" and of course the fact that the drug manufacturer's stocks have risen 25% since its release in the market

yesterday i managed to finish up ALL my work responsibilities .. i met with my boss's CPA, who graciously met me at my house to go over the paper work .. today i don't want to deal with the "Pam as an employee" aspect of my life NOR do i want to deal with "Pam. the cancer patient" aspect of my life .. i just want to relax and enjoy my life for 24 hours .. no stress, no demands, no sadness ..

tomorrow morning at 8:30 i go to the lab for more blood work .. at 8:50, i meet with my oncologist to talk before they start my 3rd round of chemo .. Sister Susie will arrive shortly before 8:30 to drag me over to the doctors office
::insert giggles from daily phone call to my mom!!::
i'm baaaaack !!

now for the rest of the day, the day before chemo, i have groceries being delivered between 10 and noon a couple more minor to-do's and then i'm on my own to "have fun" .. i'm thinking i'll start on one of the Butch Karp series books that my sister, Nancy, purchased for me on e-bay !!!  hopefully if the sun stays out and the construction workers from down the block are quiet, maybe i'll go sit on my porch swing and soak up some mother nature

or if its overcast, i'll sit in my cozy bed, distracted by the rays of color reflecting from the dream catcher that my sister Linda mailed to me (and arrived yesterday !!)  its beautiful !!  i ended up hanging it in my bedroom window, the crystals are making sure that all these beautiful colors explode onto my bedroom walls !!  thank you Linda :)
and a quick peak out my office window reveals yet another beautiful surprise !!  the soon to be sunflowers are now "official" sunflowers !!!
check it out !!



i'll keep saying it, life is SOOOOOO good !!!

Monday 19 September 2005

Dear Diary; Dear God; Dear Friends ...

Dear Diary ..
yesterday was the day my eyelashes began falling out in clumps .. i'm a wee bit sad, i've grown attached to having eyelashes .. i mean i've had them for my entire life .. but i guess its ok since i don't even have any eye makeup since i gave it all to my daughter in my recent attempt to rescue her from having lost all her makeup

today i'm hoping that i find something funny about having a hairless face .. ok, its not hairless, but God, if you're listening .. i have something to say

i have accepted the fact that i was losing my hair, i took control (which helped my heart feel not-so-helpless) and i had my friend Vera come to my rescue and shave my head, figuring that it was better to be bald than having the mangy dog with bald spots look

i've more or less decided that if my hair comes back in all gray, that i'm NOT going to color my hair again .. after my recent trials and tribulations, i'm kinda figuring i have earned every single strand of gray and i'm going to love growing old with style, grace and dignity (yes .. i am still planing on growing OLD!!)

i'm actually loving the fact that i haven't had to shave my legs or under my arms for several months .. there IS something good coming from losing body hair

my "private" hair situation will remain private .. ok guys?  i mean i love sharing, but thats just a bit too personal .. but since i'm currently single, my private hair situation will remain between me and my daughter .. i just HAD to show her the effects the chemo had "down there" hehe

BUT i have one issue God .. something i don't understand .. i have one single stubborn hair on my chin .. and i swear, that while that single hair is the ONLY ONE on my entire body that i WANTED to loose .. its growing like a weed .. and i'm a bit bewildered why you've decided thats the one hair that i deserve to keep .. and yes, i'm laughing at the irony of my chemo vs hair situation ;-)


health wise, emotionally wise, i'm on the rebound .. on the "mend" .. i've almost completely recovered from the viral infection that ended up with me being hospitalized for 4 days .. i know the chemicals from my second round of chemo on August 19th have more or less left my body .. i don't taste chemicals .. i am no longer nauseous .. bit by bit my energy level is returning .. and i'm on the countdown to chemo again .. this Friday, September 23rd, i'm scheduled for my 3rd round of chemo .. this time adding a new chemical to the mix, hoping that THIS chemical will be the one that reduces the size of the 3 inch cancerous tumor in my right lung and allows me to get one step closer become a surgical candidate

i spent a few days feeling frustrated that even though the 2 rounds of chemo made me so sick that i spent 4 days in my own bed .. i was so weak that i ended up hospitalized because of some tiny little flu bug .. i lost the ability to eat, i completely lost my appetite, i lost the energy to make myself something to eat or drink .. i've lost too much weight .. i have cried tears of self pity .. i had days that i prayed that i had the strength to endure the pain for just a few more seconds .. and then a few seconds more .. while i'd like to think i'm "living day by day", there were times i had to change that to "second by second" .. but i'm still here .. this "2 week vacation from chemo" has allowed me to get back up on my feet again and now i'm ready to hear the bells that round 3 begins

i don't know if God is going to allow me to be healed on earth, or if he's decided that i will be healed in heaven .. for my childrens sake, i hope God has chosen the former .. i don't want to die .. i really don't .. i'm not finished here and i wish God would send me a sign soon that i'm going to have some time left with my children where i'm "cancer free"

but i know, ultimately, its a decision that is out of my control .. what IS in my control is my attitude .. i'm going to continue to fight for my life .. i'm going to continue to laugh this damned cancer in its face till it runs away and hides with its tail between its legs .. and i've got a great oncologist and thoracic surgeon next to me .. i've got people in my life who believe in the power of prayer .. and others who believe in the power of modern medicine .. me, i believe in the power of all the above, plus the healing powers of laughter

what i DO know for certain is that i have gained a greater appreciation for life .. and for that, i am grateful


::drying my tears .. clearing my throat::

changing subjects like i've been changing hats to keep my bald head warm ..

i made a new years resolution a few years back to start replacing burned out lightbulbs around the house .. so far, i've been successful and i haven't let months go by with "replace lightbulbs" on my to-do list

next year, i'm making the resolution to start breaking down cardboard boxes as soon as i empty them, and not weeks later .. i finally received the new high calorie vanilla shake powder that i ordered online during the last week of August .. although the company offered no good reason why i didn't qualify for the 3 - 5 day delivery time, the powder finally arrived this past week .. i removed the 3 pound container of powder and as is my nature, left the cardboard box, fully intact, on the kitchen floor until i was "ready" to break it down and move it to the recycling container

my cats have taken a fancy to my laziness

momma ...


bubba ...




that fancy little hummingbird line gif indicates that i'm changing subjects, yet AGAIN !!

just in case anybody is under the mistaken impression that i've been leading a life of lazy luxury during my "chemo vacation" .. i guess i need to explain that while i've been home recovering from chemo for the past several months, i've still got a full time job .. which translates to a full time paycheck that i simply cannot live without

the deal with my bosses (boss's???) is this .. as long as i continue to fulfill my responsibilities, i will receive my paycheck

i've converted my daughters bedroom into my home office .. i'm an accountant, and one of my responsibilities is taking care of the personal books of my "Big Boss" .. i could go on endlessly, but suffice to say that my Big Boss takes delight in opening new checking accounts across the country and spending his money .. the banks .. hmmmm .. 11 accounts at last count, have decided not to return canceled checks, but rather send miniature copies (and i DO mean miniature) of each check that my Big Boss has written in 2004 .. my boss has the handwriting of a physician .. my boss's tax returns are due October 17th, which gives me a deadline of September 25th to complete his tax package .. a comprehensive package that details his income and expenditures during 2004 .. deciding my life wasn't difficult enough trying to decipher his handwriting, he decided this year i wouldn't need his help and that this would be the perfect time for him to take a 2 week vacation and now he doesn't return to the states until the very day of my 3rd chemo

it took me 12 hours yesterday, after weeks of inputting data, but i finished up his tax package .. today i get to track down 2 missing Shareholder's K1's and 2 missing 2004 1099's .. i've also got a package for my boss so he can sit down (without me) and translate his handwriting into something a normal person can read ..

tomorrow i deliver the entire package to his CPA .. with instructions to hold off preparation of his actual tax returns until my boss can go through the entire stack of "what the hell is this supposed to be for" checks and deposits to his 11 miscellaneous accounts

and tomorrow i wash my hands of my responsibility for his 2004 tax returns

:: big sigh ::

now, today .. i get to focus on the rest of my job .. handling the books for some 30 odd commercial properties, partnerships, corporations, LLC's, trusts and individuals .. i'm hoping this doesn't take more than 2 days

that will leave me (i'm HOPING) wednesday and thursday to enjoy my life .. i want to read, to lounge aimlessly and without purpose .. perhaps i'll run down to the DMV to finish getting my handicap placard (the original is "missing" according to the DMV) so i need to run to my doctors office and have him RE-SIGN another form

and while a few weeks ago, my pickup truck was delivered safely to my driveway by my ex-husband .. all dents incurred during the collision caused by my son talking on his cell phone and attempting to drive at the same time, removed perfectly by the bodyshop .. they also removed my front license plate .. which requires that i fill out yet another DMV form, submit the remaining rear license plate, and apply for 2 new plates

or maybe i'll run around the house and break down all the cardboard boxes that are scattered around in miscellaneous places

or maybe i'll finish recording my journal entries so that i can share my journal with my mom living in Las Vegas, who is losing her eyesight due to her diabetes

or maybe i'll start reading the books that were sent to me by my little sister, Nancy (more of the Butch Karp series!!)

or maybe i'll write thank you notes to my chemo angels

or maybe i'll return emails to my friends and family

or maybe i'll just sit here, spending the rest of my vacation from chemo, and share all my head noise in my journal eh !!! lol