Tuesday, 11 October 2005

day 110

i'm sitting here at my computer playing Mahjong Garden (pogo.com) and realized that if i didn't get off my lazy behind soon and write something of a journal entry, that in a few days i'm probably going to be too ill to write so i best get a move on !!
i'm slowly gaining my weight back that i lost this round of chemo .. i got down to 111 pounds and this morning i'm weighing in at 119 .. i have just a few more days to pack the weight on and i'm doing everything i can do to help it along :)  i swear i must be eating 5 - 6 meals a day .. small meals, but still .. within an hour of eating i feel like i haven't eatten in days .. its weird to say the least .. but i DO have my appetite back and the chemical taste is gone so i can enjoy what i'm eating which helps hehe
i got to spend a few hours with my daughter last night .. her daddy brought her by after school yesterday .. i'd pretty much had a full day by the time she arrived so i asked her dad if he minded just sticking around and making it a relatively short visit .. it was a nice day so we ended up sitting on the porch and enjoying the sun

i feel like i spent the entire time watching how my daughter interacts with her father .. their relationship is so different than it used to be .. watching them joke around, even having their own "private jokes" .. i think its done him good for him to be around her and her sense of humor .. oh hell .. who am i trying to kid?  i'm jealous .. plain and simple .. there, i admitted it
i go back thursday for another xray to see if the tumor is reponding to the drugs and chemo .. hell, i'm in tears just thinking about it .. i guess a lot is riding on the hope that THIS time the tumor is going to be smaller .. and yet knowing there IS a chance that the new drug, avastin, just isn't working either .. i want the tumor to shrink but it seems to have a mind of its own .. i suppose i could stick around after the xray to check it out .. see for myself it the tumor LOOKS smaller .. i just don't know if i have the nerve to look at the xray though .. i'm scared .. really really scared

my chemo is scheduled for this friday .. this will be the 4th round .. oh, and just to make myself clear, i'm not having fun anymore lol
i basically caught up on all my office deadlines for the next few weeks .. its required that i work 10 - 12 hours a day, but at least i won't have to worry about the office after the chemo .. i have our CPA dropping some documents off at my house this morning, i make one more quick trip to the office, and i have wednesday and thursday to "enjoy"

i also need to stock up on groceries for the next few weeks .. if this round of chemo goes anything like the last, i'll have no appetite for at least 10 days, so i'm eatting all the fresh food i can get my hands on now, because afterwards, it will be impossible to keep anything fresh in the house
i lead such an exciting life eh?

i realized yesterday how easy it is for me to become focused on the small picture .. the "how much pain am i feeling", "how sick do i feel" .. sometimes i forget that all these struggles that i'm facing and dealing with (all because of the chemotherapy and drugs) are for the bigger picture .. the long run .. things get screwed up in my head when i forget to look at the big picture
i'm going to have to end this entry now, something that i'm taking is making my hands go numb frequently, and its really hard to type when i have no feeling in my fingers lol
on a brighter note .. i wanted y'all to see how much my accidental garden has grown .. i figure in a few weeks i'll be calling it my accidental jungle !!




(and just in case anyone is wondering, the sign that i have nailed to the tree says in spanish, "this is my garden, do not pull any plants" .. just in case my gardeners are ever again tempted to help me by pulling out my plants)

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