Saturday, 15 October 2005

day 114

b nnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn <--- those aren't my thoughts, they're my cat walking on the keyboard (but i think Bubba is saying good morning !)

advise for the day - - don't attempt to read your own xrays - - at 8:45 am yesterday my oncologist got out his little tape measure and compared my xrays side by side .. its HIS opinion that my tumor is now 6.0 cm instead of 6.2 cm AND it appears to be less dense in the upper right corner - - almost like you can see through it .. he's encouraged because this is the first time that any treatment resulted in a change in the tumor
so we continued with my 4th round of chemotherapy and 2nd round of avastin .. in the meantime, on Oct 25th, i'm scheduled for another brain scan (to rule out that "question mark" on my brain) i have an appointment to see how the rest of my body is doing with another PET scan .. it would be great news if my lymph nodes have returned to a normal size, perhaps the chemo has eliminated the cancer from my lymph nodes, so perhaps they won't have to be removed surgically .. then i go back for another chest xray and appointment with the oncologist on November 4th .. he figures by then he'll have a better idea if i should continue with radiation or perhaps on to surgery to remove the remaining tumor and of course the surrounding lung tissue

about 90% through the chemo i started feeling extremely nauseous .. a first for me ... this is one side effect that normally doesn't hit me until the 4th day after chemo .. my sister Susie drove me home .. we got out of chemo at 2:30 pm .. by 3:00 pm i was sound asleep .. i woke up around 8 pm, popped a sleeping pill, then i went back to sleep until 2:30 this morning
i have my pain pills handy just in case the Avastin starts causing me any discomfort .. i've got my Zofran handy in case the nausea kicks in again .. and i've got sister Susie for 2 more days .. oddly enough, i can never seem to take a nap unless either my sister, Susie or my daughter, Kissy are here  at the house with me .. i guess i'm lacking in the hostess department lol
i did a little research on radiation therapy yesterday .. besides a lot of medical mumbo-jumbo,the treatment does have its own set of side-effects, but nothing compared to chemo .. i think i could handle the rads !
of course the extent of any surgery would depend on how much of the tumor remains .. the surgeon would need to remove the tumor and enough lung to leave a clean 1/2 in margin around the tumor .. thats a pretty big chunk of lung .. so of course i'd need to submit to pulmonary testing first to make sure i'll be able to breath if i'm missing a big chunk of my right lung

i feel like i've been to hell and back in the last 4 months .. the docs and i are playing this little game "lets see how close we can get Pam to deaths door, without actually killing her, but killing the cancer" .. they've pretty much convinced me that they've gotten me closer to death than i've ever been before .. but my tumor has remained unaffected .. THAT has been the frustrating part .. all i wanted to see was some small sign that all this pain and agony and suffering (not only mine, but the agony that my friends, family and loved ones have shared with me this entire journey) has been for a reason .. just a small sign .. and i got that sign yesterday .. the tumor IS responding !!!  so ok .. sign me up .. bring me to deaths door yet again .. i feel like i have a chance now .. i have no idea how big of a chance .. but its a CHANCE to beat this damned cancer !!

and yes, i'm crying again :)

i was chatting yesterday morning at 2 am with my son .. i was just waking up, he said he still had about an hour of studying to do before he could get to bed .. then he asked me "whats the deal with the dolphins as your icon?"
i told him that one of the things on my "to do list" was that when i was recovering from my surgery in hawaii that i wanted to "swim with the dolphins" .. he laughed and said he had a couple of friends that could hook us up .. "us?" i questioned, surprised he'd want to go swimming with dolphins with me :)  "mom, i'd swim with sharks for you"

on the family note .. i have another grandniece !! My niece Lisa gave birth yesterday at 8 am to Kylie !!  Congrats Lisa and Willie and Grandma Linda !!

thanks everyone, for your prayers, your well wishes and good thoughts .. i am feeling so much more encouraged than i have been this entire roller coaster ride :)  thank you for being there for me .. for being my friends

No comments:

Post a Comment