day 146

i've been working my way through journals this morning that posted entries on how they feel about the ads in our journals .. i've read the notices of those journals moving to ad free space .. i've read of journals going private until something changes and i've read of people who's journals are essentially going on-strike until aol stops selling our personal "Your Thoughts. Your Blog" space as advertising.

i am angered that ANYONE at aol decided my thoughts, my life, my words are for sale

i am angered because i feel i've been forced to make a decision .. to take a stand against something i feel is wrong

the part that upsets me the most is that from the VERY beginning of aol Journals, we here at JLand have been treated like puppies attempting to play with "The Big Dogs" .. and they refused to let us play .. we didn't have REAL blogs .. they were only aol Journals .. anyone who was a part of the corporate aol giant couldn't have anything worthy of reading

because of my aol journal, i made the front page of The Washington Post .. proud that my journal had finally received some form of recognition outside of aol .. gathering from my email, guestbook and comments, i have a large number of readers who are not aol members .. they found me via the internet, some google search on lung cancer, or on some of the medical procedures i've undergone .. and now because of some decision some idiot at aol made, they've sold my journal as advertising space and pissed me off in the process

and guess what?  guess who's laughing at us?  guess who's shouting "i told you so" .. yup .. those Big Dogs we felt we deserved to play with are laughing at us

thanks aol .. we've been waging an uphill battle in an attempt to allow aol journals just a bit of recognition from the outside world and now you've made it impossible to be taken seriously .. we're nothing now but silly little walking billboards for aol

what am i going to do? how am i going to respond?  honestly, i haven't decided .. i don't know if i have the energy to fight aol again (yes "again" .. sometime in the past my journal had gone on strike until aol "fixed" something .. i don't even remember what it was .. sheesh)

i am torn .. my faithful "real world" readers .. who probably don't give a flying fig about the politics of feeling wronged by excessive aol advertising .. my faithful aol jland readers .. who are angry, saddened and frustrated .. i do know that some corporate giants refuse to listen unless their pockets are less full .. until it hits their pockets, "it" doesn't exist

i feel like i need to be very careful here about what i write .. the pressure of receiving the "Vivi Journal of the Year Award" .. i hate feeling like i am under a microscope

i am angry .. i am going through the most stressful time of my life .. i am sitting here now, another morning of coughing up blood, facing yet another day of medical tests and undergoing my first radiation/chemo treatments in a matter of days and i don't feel right about sharing any of my heartbreak in my journal where aol can make money off of my struggles

so back to my original quandry .. what, if any, kind of stand do i make in my journal?  i still have not decided .. all that comes to mind is that pamphlet about chemotherapy that reminded me that i would be wise to put off making any important decisions until my treatment is complete

important?!?

my journal, my readers .. are one of, if not THE most important facets of my life

again .. thanks aol .. thanks