Friday, 9 September 2005

day 78

i got up a tad early today, 3:30 to be exact .. even though i've been using sleeping pills to battle my insomnia, i have a ton of work to get done in the next 2 weeks and times a wastin' !!
yesterday my Sister Susie and i had a conversation on how the dynamics of our family seems to have shifted so suddenly and completely .. i see life going on around me, events, family emergencies .. and i'm not throwing myself into the mix as i felt i used to
my nephew, Michael, is having his 13th birthday shindig next week, on Saturday .. i even got an invite that he designed himself!!  he's got a couple of local punk rock bands showing up .. got himself a hall with a stage set up .. tickets to his party all sent out, pizzas ordered !!  makes me long for the old days when i would have put up with the loud obnoxious music just to see a smile on Michael's face
i had a lot of fun yesterday with my sister Susie .. as weird as that feels to admit .. i've recently lost the ability to keep my mouth shut .. and my hearing just ain't what it used to be .. add to that my inability to multitask mentally and i'm actually well on my way to becoming a one man show
our first task of the day was my chest x-ray .. ya know, a picture of the size of my tumor compared to the one taken last month .. the technician actually remembered us .. of course we asked about Chet .. you can read more about Chet here ----->

i guess Chet only comes in once every few months or so .. both my sister and i were a little disappointed he wasn't there again .. but we DID manage to wrangle his last name out of my doctor, so at least i have a shot of finding him again !!!

i don't know if y'all have gotten a chest x-ray lately but they give you these 2 little stickers that have a tiny BB on each label .. and you get to attach them to your nipples (i suppose if you have more than 2 nipples they'll give you more) i guess it gives them a landmark since the metal bb's show up on the x-ray .. as i was getting dressed after the procedure, i joked with the tech about leaving my bb's on .. and i did lol
it wasn't until i got up into my oncologists exam room and was told to remove my sweater and bra that i realized my doc was gonna see my nipple stickers .. a quick conference with Sister Susie, and i decided to leave em on .. kinda throw caution to the wind .. as my doc went to open my gown, i clutched my gown closed and leaned in to confide in him "you need to know that i've found my own cheap version of Victoria's secret .. and it IS a secret and only you and i know" and then opened my gown to expose my nipple stickers LOL thank god he laughed too .. what a great was to begin an exam eh !!!

he talked .. i listened .. when he got to telling me my tumor wasn't responding to the chemicals .. i think i bit my lip, glanced at my sister who started to move in my direction to comfort me .. thankfully she realized that i had to distance my heart away from the information my brain was receiving and she stayed seated .. i still amaze myself at how i am able to do that .. to put the emotional turmoil (the major "awww f**k") on hold so my brain can take care of business ..

i just kept repeating "its not BAD news" "its not BAD news" .. "bad" news would have been that the tumor was larger .. and the doc isn't giving up on me .. and i'm not giving up on him either
although he did try to convince me to schedule my chemo with the replacement doctor when my doc is on vacation next week .. "all the ladies love him and want to marry him .. my older female patients want their daughters to marry him" .. i told him i wasn't looking for a doctor to marry .. i wanted one i could trust and i'd already found him .. "so i'll wait an extra week until you return if thats OK with you" .. how could he tell me "no" eh? hehe

people have been constantly telling me to think positive .. "just KNOW that your tumor has shrunk" .. but thats not my nature .. i'm more a realist and i don't think that what i think my tumor is doing or not doing is at all related to what is going on in my head .. which is not to say i'm NOT positive .. or that i'm not having the time of my life .. but i don't put all my eggs in one basket .. i make sure i am aware of the possibilities of each and every outcome .. and i prepare myself for the worst, the best and everything in between .. it kinda takes the sting out of getting hit upside the head with a 4 x 4 when i'm told the treatment isn't working ya know

i've also developed a recent paranoia of mold (add to my germs, bacteria and all things "dirty" list") and seriously had my sister de-molding things so i don't get a fungal infection .. i researched online and found a whole lot of different kinds of mold that can be harmful to chemo patients .. certain household plants .. kitchen appliances .. cut flowers .. shower curtains and bathroom blinds .. next on my list is to move all my new plant arrangements to a garden outside .. unfortunately its also been recommended that i refrain from gardening cause its .. well .. "dirty" lol

but i've got my latex gloves, i've got my surgical mask .. now all i need is a big shovel and a bit more energy than i've got now and i'm a goin' gardenin' !!  again, here i go !! throwing caution to the wind hehe

i called my mom last night and filled her in on the latest .. its hard to gauge her reaction to my news since she's got a cold, cough and sniffles ..

then i called my son in hawaii (who made me promise never to keep secrets from him) and gave him the update that we're moving to Plan B .. i know he's scared too .. but he always sucks it up and puts his most positive foot forward with me .. he told me to get over there to hawaii, where he "can take care of me" .. i laughed and told him there was NO way i was getting on an airplane "do you know how many germs are floating around on airplanes?!?!?! hehe .. i know my cancer has kinda rocked his world .. and as much as i want to "hide and protect" him .. me made me promise not to .. but it hurts that i can't hug him when i give him some "not bad news just not the Best news"
then i called my ex-husbands house .. my daughter answered (since she's living there now) and i asked to speak to her dad (we kinda have an agreement that he and his wife Suzan are my liaisons to my daughter when i have news to share .. "we've got company and they're spending the night mom" .. i told her it wasn't anything that couldn't wait till morning

on that note .. i have a ton of work to do this morning .. at least 500 or so invoices to process and checks to write and then i get to start on my "big" bosses tax return package .. the dude burns through the money and i have a hard time tracking what he is spending, so this is my biggest, most complicated task each year .. he left me an email that he wanted to meet with me "on friday" at the office "to go over his tax package" prior to sending it off to the CPA .. i had to leave my Big Boss a message that friday wasn't going to work

first of all, i ain't up to drivin' yet .. and second .. there ain't no "tax package" yet .. its now a huge huge pile of paper that has yet to be organized and entered into the computer .. i have nothing to talk to him about since i have NO idea what he did last year because i STILL can't read his handwriting on his checks .. and i STILL need him to start writing legibly and putting better descriptions on each check so i can code it properly for income tax purposes .. the only thing i have so far are the checks and deposits that i am responsible for .. i take care of his personal books to make sure he doesn't default on his mortgage(s) and utilities and such .. but i think he spends more of his money than i do lol

so i have next week scheduled to do nothing but organize his books into something the CPA can use to prepare his income tax returns .. ewwwwww .. i really don't want to do this .. its just not high up there on my list of fun things to do
well, its nearly goin' on 6 am so i best get moving before i change my mind .. and i've got some research to do yet on that fancy new drug, Avastin .. but i'm not in the mood to be wearing my "cancer hat" right now .. my "working woman" hat is feeling much more comfortable 

and why doesn't AOL have smilies with hats? sheesh

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