i found this floating around the internet and got a chuckle out of it .. i wonder if my boss would laugh if i posted it in the office :)
DAYS---We will no longer accept a doctor's statement as proof of
sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to
PERSONAL DAYS---Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year. They are called Saturday and Sunday.
BREAK---Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch as they need to eat
more, so that they can look healthy. Normal size people get 15 minutes
for lunch to get balanced meal to maintain their average figure. Fat
people get 5 minutes for lunch, because that's all the time needed to
drink a Slim Fast.
DRESS CODE---It is advised that you come to
work dressed according to your salary. If we see you wearing $350 Prada
sneakers, and carrying a $600 Gucci Bag, we assume you are doing well
financially and therefore you do not need a raise. If you dress poorly,
you need to learn to manage your money better, so that you may buy nicer
clothes, and therefore you do not need a raise. If you dress
in-between, you are right where you need to be and therefore you do not
need a raise.
BEREAVEMENT LEAVE---This is no excuse for missing
work. There is nothing you can do for dead friends, relatives, or
coworkers. Every effort should be made to have no employees attend to
the arrangements. In rare cases where employee involvement is necessary
funeral should be schedule in the late afternoon. We will be glad to
allow you to work through your lunch hour and subsequently leave that
RESTROOM USE---Entirely too much time is being
spent in the restroom. There is now a strict three-minute time-limit in
the stalls. At the end of three minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet
paper roll will retract, the stall door will open, and a picture will
be taken. After your second offense, your picture will be posted on the
company bulletin board under "Chronic Offenders."
Thank you for your loyalty to our great state. We are here to provide a positive employment experience.