sharing my recent turmoil

::sigh::  this issue has been weighing heavily on me for the past few weeks .. if i had to name one aspect of my nature that i'd like to change it would be how i detest conflict .. i remember back in high school i flunked debate for "buckling under pressure" .. thats me
it took me a lifetime to discover that i don't live in a world where i can simply ask for things i feel are fair and have them drop into my lap .. there are times i must go against my nature and fight for what i believe is right or fair .. and the "fights" make me ill .. i can't begin to describe how frustrating it is for me to know that any amount of conflict is going to bring on physical symptoms that last for weeks .. i wasn't always this way,  probably due to the fact that i've probably spent most of my life avoiding conflict .. it wasn't until my divorce that i started becoming physically ill after conflict
i had asked my ex-husband (nicely) for child support and he refused .. claiming he had a "moral issue" with having to give me money for not seeing his daughter often enough .. so i sat him down and explained to him that she REALLY needed to see him more often .. i gave him 6 months, keeping track of any time he spent with her and he proved to me that all too often his life gets in the way of spending time with his daughter
so i went to Child Support Services back in April of last year and filed for child support .. needless to say, he was a bit angry with me for bringing the government into our personal issues .. i just about fell off the chair though when he said "why didn't you just ASK me for help" .. i'd laugh but it just wasn't funny
he and i finally sat down at the end of July of last year and hashed out what we both thought was an equitable agreement .. and then i waited for the results .. i waited 5 months for him to live up to his end of the agreement .. sadly, nothing changed .. until that is, he received notice that our court date was set for January 18th .. suddenly he started showing interest in his daughter .. by suddenly, i mean the very day that i received the notice of the court date in the mail
seriously, i never wanted it to come this far .. each night i'd hope that he'd come to his senses and do the right thing by his daughter .. and we got nothing but more excuses from him every time his "life" got in the way
i have to confess, i have NO desire to go to court tomorrow .. airing my dirty laundry in front of dozens of people who have NO business knowing isn't my idea of fun .. imagine me having to beg my ex-husband to work with me so that we can stipulate to an agreement and avoid court
yesterday my ex finally returns my calls .. after i had already told the attorney that he hadn't returned any of my calls and i had all but given up on us reaching an agreement and avoiding court .. he wanted credit for the money he'd spent on our daughter for gifts .. i took my daughters advice .. "mom, you need to grow some balls and stand up and do the right thing" .. thats my daughter lol
i firmly told him "no" .. we're making the child support retroactive to August of last year, when we first made the agreement and he's not getting out of it .. but i've decided i'm not going to ask for interest

he's not happy with me .. i guess its mutual

so this morning i need to call the attorney and ask her to prepare the stipulation agreement and postpone our court date until after we've both signed the agreement .. it will be entered as a judgment and i've decided to take the attorney's advice and go for wage garnishment .. even my daughter thought it was wise since "daddy is always forgetting important stuff"
oh .. i guess i forgot to mention the words "wage garnishment" to him yesterday .. you can bet he's not gonna be a happy camper when he finds out the money is going to be taken out by his employeer

its been ages since we had any "extra" money around our house .. there are times i think the term "living paycheck to paycheck" was invented just for us .. my idea of splurging meant buying kitchen tongs that i couldn't really afford .. i haven't counted my chickens yet .. but the very idea of not having to worry about grocery money at the end of the month feels like winning the lottery

i don't talk to my children about the sacrifices i feel i've made .. they already know that if a choice has to be made, my needs or desires will come last .. thats what being a mother is to me .. putting mychildrens needs before my own .. but my daughter made a special request .. that the first few checks that we get from her daddy be spent on ME .. perhaps finally getting my hair cut .. getting new glasses so that i can actually see something .. making an appointment with the chiropractor so that my headaches stop .. getting the little cart for the recycle bins so that i don't have to lug them out to the curb each week .. ya know .. all those luxuries i felt i could do without because i couldn't justify the expense

this battle has taken its toll on me .. i'm trying to hold on .. just a few more weeks, hopefully and i can take off my suit of armor
give me a brow to soothe .. hurt feelings to comfort .. a heart to hold gently .. a knee to bandage .. i'll show you the stuff i'm made of .. i just don't make a very good warrior
i think i'd like to take a vacation with my children .. something i haven't been able to afford since the divorce 12 years ago .. cause even warriors need vacations right?
maybe i'll even have enough to put a little aside each month for my dream .. a little house for me after my retirement .. high in the mountains surrounded by enough land for all the pets and animals that need a place to live  .. i want dogs and cats .. goats and chickens .. maybe even a pig or two .. and of course a couple of extra bedrooms for when my children come to visit their old momma :)