Here it is!
now go check it out !!!
Friday, 23 September 2005
how i spent my "chemo" vacation !
i'm doing my little countdown to
chemo ritual (COUNTDOWN TO CHEMO CLOCK SAYS 2 HOURS AND 15 MINUTES) and i
do believe its now become a tradition for me to post some meaningless
post the morn of my chemo eh !!!
why mess with tradition
i remember being back in the hospital earlier this month with the flu .. did i mention that i actually got to see my very OWN oncologist on my last day there? he makes his hospital rounds between 7 and 8:30, before he heads off to seeing a full day of patients that aren't in the hospital
i hope he's making a ton of money off us sick cancer people .. i don't know how he does it .. one morning, before lunch, he'd seen 25 patients .. not very many of us are "happy" people .. well, cept me ;-)
a couple of "techs" or "patients" have comments that my doc is one of the best there is, "as long as you can get past his personality" .. GET PAST IT?!? its one of the things i love most about him !! when its time to get down to business, he gives it to me straight .. no beating around the bush, no platitudes, no false hope .. he speaks the truth .. and the more "truth" i want to know, the more detail he's willing to give me .. then afterwards, or before, depending on the news he has to share with me, then we quip, or flirt a bit, and he kinda squeezes my shoulder or gives me a quick, one arm hug .. i'm not here to get sympathy from the guy, i want him to save my life so way back on Sept 6th, i'm in my private hospital room, my 4th day, packing to go home when i hear a knock on my door
i recognize the voice of my oncologist "are you naked?"
and of course i reply "no, but give me a few minutes"
he strolls into my room chuckling .. i'm at the sink, getting prettied up for my trip home
"rumor has it you've been running a fever"
so i wink at him .. "i made it all up doc, just so i could experience some of your infamous 'bedside manner'"
"well" he replies, "now you've seen it, and we can both go home now"
"not really Doc, this doesn't count because i'm not REALLY in bed" and with that i scoot quickly over to my hospital bed, flop myself on the bed, cross my arms across my chest and tell him "ok doc, hit me with your best stuff!!"
we don't roll around the floors laughing, but i know he brightens my day and i'm thinking a brighten his day just a bit too .. at least i hope i do .. if there is one person in my life who deserves a bit of sunshine now and then .. he's the guy
(COUNTDOWN TO CHEMO CLOCK SAYS 1 HOUR 57 MINUTES)
yesterday was MY day .. i wanted a 2 week vacation of sorts, i ended up with a one day vacation .. and i loved it !!
i even got to take a nap (ok, its cheating because since i started chemo, i can't sleep unless i take a pill but i DID take a pill, and i DID take a nap .. i LOVE my naps - happy hour is a nap!!)
oddly enough, my daughter has been with her father just a week or so before i was diagnosed with lung cancer .. then after the diagnosis, she moved in with him and his wife .. so i've been living alone for this entire experience .. except for the one or two times my daughter came to visit and spent the night or the weekends my sister Susie stays with me after my chemo ..
(with one exception in the past 90 days) the only times i've been able to fall asleep without taking a pill is when either my daughter or my sister are visiting for the weekend
hmmmm ..
any way, this journaling time is cutting into my shower time so i best get a move on
i spent the morning reading Immortal Certainty sent to me by my Sister, Nancy (waving!!) outside, on my porch swing .. loving every moment of it
then i decided how i wanted to spend MY one day vacation -- you see, i've been receiving potted plants since i've been sick from chemo .. and i'm not exactly good at remembering to do things like "water them" .. i figured if they wanted even a small chance at life, they'd have to be moved outside near the automatic sprinklers
do i drove myself to the hardware store (a mere 1/2 mile away), i took the truck .. giggling since the last time i drove my truck was in June .. and i bought 6 planters, 3 bags of planting mix, 4 new potted plants, and more plastic gloves .. i was standing at the register, the girls was adding up my purchases when suddenly the heat began to get to me, so i apologized to her and took off my hat, exposing my bald head .. she smiled and actually told me she liked it better !! i said "what the hell" and drove home bald too lol in fact, i've learned that if i was to keep the screaming kids from next door inside while i'm gardening .. do it in the bald .. i found it comical they were nowhere to be seen for the entire afternoon lol|
i then proceeded to salvage any of the "get well" potted plants and the new plants .. then moved the planters to various places around the yard so they can catch the overspray from the automatic sprinklers
and then i stepped back and admired my work :)
here's the pics i took along the way ...
then i took a quick shower cause .. well, you know .. gardening is "dirty" lol
then i toasted my new "garden" with a shot of coconut rum
and as i sit here now, i can smile and feel that yesterday was a VERY good day .. the kind that makes me feel "normal" :)
on that note .. i need to go pack my chemo kit and take a shower .. and i suppose i should eat breakfast too .. i'm just not feeling hungry though ;-)
why mess with tradition
i remember being back in the hospital earlier this month with the flu .. did i mention that i actually got to see my very OWN oncologist on my last day there? he makes his hospital rounds between 7 and 8:30, before he heads off to seeing a full day of patients that aren't in the hospital
i hope he's making a ton of money off us sick cancer people .. i don't know how he does it .. one morning, before lunch, he'd seen 25 patients .. not very many of us are "happy" people .. well, cept me ;-)
a couple of "techs" or "patients" have comments that my doc is one of the best there is, "as long as you can get past his personality" .. GET PAST IT?!? its one of the things i love most about him !! when its time to get down to business, he gives it to me straight .. no beating around the bush, no platitudes, no false hope .. he speaks the truth .. and the more "truth" i want to know, the more detail he's willing to give me .. then afterwards, or before, depending on the news he has to share with me, then we quip, or flirt a bit, and he kinda squeezes my shoulder or gives me a quick, one arm hug .. i'm not here to get sympathy from the guy, i want him to save my life so way back on Sept 6th, i'm in my private hospital room, my 4th day, packing to go home when i hear a knock on my door
i recognize the voice of my oncologist "are you naked?"
and of course i reply "no, but give me a few minutes"
he strolls into my room chuckling .. i'm at the sink, getting prettied up for my trip home
"rumor has it you've been running a fever"
so i wink at him .. "i made it all up doc, just so i could experience some of your infamous 'bedside manner'"
"well" he replies, "now you've seen it, and we can both go home now"
"not really Doc, this doesn't count because i'm not REALLY in bed" and with that i scoot quickly over to my hospital bed, flop myself on the bed, cross my arms across my chest and tell him "ok doc, hit me with your best stuff!!"
we don't roll around the floors laughing, but i know he brightens my day and i'm thinking a brighten his day just a bit too .. at least i hope i do .. if there is one person in my life who deserves a bit of sunshine now and then .. he's the guy
(COUNTDOWN TO CHEMO CLOCK SAYS 1 HOUR 57 MINUTES)
yesterday was MY day .. i wanted a 2 week vacation of sorts, i ended up with a one day vacation .. and i loved it !!
i even got to take a nap (ok, its cheating because since i started chemo, i can't sleep unless i take a pill but i DID take a pill, and i DID take a nap .. i LOVE my naps - happy hour is a nap!!)
oddly enough, my daughter has been with her father just a week or so before i was diagnosed with lung cancer .. then after the diagnosis, she moved in with him and his wife .. so i've been living alone for this entire experience .. except for the one or two times my daughter came to visit and spent the night or the weekends my sister Susie stays with me after my chemo ..
(with one exception in the past 90 days) the only times i've been able to fall asleep without taking a pill is when either my daughter or my sister are visiting for the weekend
hmmmm ..
any way, this journaling time is cutting into my shower time so i best get a move on
i spent the morning reading Immortal Certainty sent to me by my Sister, Nancy (waving!!) outside, on my porch swing .. loving every moment of it
then i decided how i wanted to spend MY one day vacation -- you see, i've been receiving potted plants since i've been sick from chemo .. and i'm not exactly good at remembering to do things like "water them" .. i figured if they wanted even a small chance at life, they'd have to be moved outside near the automatic sprinklers
do i drove myself to the hardware store (a mere 1/2 mile away), i took the truck .. giggling since the last time i drove my truck was in June .. and i bought 6 planters, 3 bags of planting mix, 4 new potted plants, and more plastic gloves .. i was standing at the register, the girls was adding up my purchases when suddenly the heat began to get to me, so i apologized to her and took off my hat, exposing my bald head .. she smiled and actually told me she liked it better !! i said "what the hell" and drove home bald too lol in fact, i've learned that if i was to keep the screaming kids from next door inside while i'm gardening .. do it in the bald .. i found it comical they were nowhere to be seen for the entire afternoon lol|
i then proceeded to salvage any of the "get well" potted plants and the new plants .. then moved the planters to various places around the yard so they can catch the overspray from the automatic sprinklers
and then i stepped back and admired my work :)
here's the pics i took along the way ...
then i took a quick shower cause .. well, you know .. gardening is "dirty" lol
then i toasted my new "garden" with a shot of coconut rum
and as i sit here now, i can smile and feel that yesterday was a VERY good day .. the kind that makes me feel "normal" :)
on that note .. i need to go pack my chemo kit and take a shower .. and i suppose i should eat breakfast too .. i'm just not feeling hungry though ;-)
Thursday, 22 September 2005
i declare today "sunflower day" !!!
i have decided to take a break from
eatting and reading about Butch Karp to post a few gifs i just received
.. these were so perfect, i just had to take a moment so that i could
share them with you .. Thank you Suzy via Adventures of Suzy Colorado .. i don't how you always manage to find such perfect examples to send to me !!
and thank you !!
aren't they just beautiful !?!?!
and for those AOL JOURNALERS amongst us ...
everyone IS using their new file managers to upload images to your FTP space now right? i've used an internation form of the file manager (requiring that i read german lol) for years, its wonderful to see that we wee folk down here in the US of A finally get to see a version we can use too !!
BIG WHOOPS .. i forgot to post the links to your file manager lol blame it on the cancer .. thats what we always do around here lol
http://hometown.aol.com/_fm
AOL Hometown : File Manager
its so much easier being able to upload 4 image files at a time .. you can read more about it in Joe, Journal Editor's journal ... Web-Based File Manager Is Here!
and thank you !!
aren't they just beautiful !?!?!
and for those AOL JOURNALERS amongst us ...
everyone IS using their new file managers to upload images to your FTP space now right? i've used an internation form of the file manager (requiring that i read german lol) for years, its wonderful to see that we wee folk down here in the US of A finally get to see a version we can use too !!
BIG WHOOPS .. i forgot to post the links to your file manager lol blame it on the cancer .. thats what we always do around here lol
http://hometown.aol.com/_fm
AOL Hometown : File Manager
its so much easier being able to upload 4 image files at a time .. you can read more about it in Joe, Journal Editor's journal ... Web-Based File Manager Is Here!
day 91
i've only got 12 minutes before my daily phone call to my mom so i figured i'd sit down and at least start a journal entry ..
::big sigh::
tomorrow is my 3rd round of chemo .. i did my research last night on the new drug my oncologist is adding to the mix "Avastin" .. and found basically NOTHING about the results of the drug on stage IIIa lung cancer .. i read a lot about the effects on other types of cancer; a read a lot about the trials on stage IV lung cancer .. the results average that those cancer patients were given an additional 2 months to be able to live .. but i have state III lung cancer so it doesn't apply to me .. except i found one article that stated that Avastin "looks promising for the treatment of lung cancer" and of course the fact that the drug manufacturer's stocks have risen 25% since its release in the market
yesterday i managed to finish up ALL my work responsibilities .. i met with my boss's CPA, who graciously met me at my house to go over the paper work .. today i don't want to deal with the "Pam as an employee" aspect of my life NOR do i want to deal with "Pam. the cancer patient" aspect of my life .. i just want to relax and enjoy my life for 24 hours .. no stress, no demands, no sadness ..
tomorrow morning at 8:30 i go to the lab for more blood work .. at 8:50, i meet with my oncologist to talk before they start my 3rd round of chemo .. Sister Susie will arrive shortly before 8:30 to drag me over to the doctors office
::insert giggles from daily phone call to my mom!!::
i'm baaaaack !!
now for the rest of the day, the day before chemo, i have groceries being delivered between 10 and noon a couple more minor to-do's and then i'm on my own to "have fun" .. i'm thinking i'll start on one of the Butch Karp series books that my sister, Nancy, purchased for me on e-bay !!! hopefully if the sun stays out and the construction workers from down the block are quiet, maybe i'll go sit on my porch swing and soak up some mother nature
or if its overcast, i'll sit in my cozy bed, distracted by the rays of color reflecting from the dream catcher that my sister Linda mailed to me (and arrived yesterday !!) its beautiful !! i ended up hanging it in my bedroom window, the crystals are making sure that all these beautiful colors explode onto my bedroom walls !! thank you Linda :)
and a quick peak out my office window reveals yet another beautiful surprise !! the soon to be sunflowers are now "official" sunflowers !!!
check it out !!
i'll keep saying it, life is SOOOOOO good !!!
::big sigh::
tomorrow is my 3rd round of chemo .. i did my research last night on the new drug my oncologist is adding to the mix "Avastin" .. and found basically NOTHING about the results of the drug on stage IIIa lung cancer .. i read a lot about the effects on other types of cancer; a read a lot about the trials on stage IV lung cancer .. the results average that those cancer patients were given an additional 2 months to be able to live .. but i have state III lung cancer so it doesn't apply to me .. except i found one article that stated that Avastin "looks promising for the treatment of lung cancer" and of course the fact that the drug manufacturer's stocks have risen 25% since its release in the market
yesterday i managed to finish up ALL my work responsibilities .. i met with my boss's CPA, who graciously met me at my house to go over the paper work .. today i don't want to deal with the "Pam as an employee" aspect of my life NOR do i want to deal with "Pam. the cancer patient" aspect of my life .. i just want to relax and enjoy my life for 24 hours .. no stress, no demands, no sadness ..
tomorrow morning at 8:30 i go to the lab for more blood work .. at 8:50, i meet with my oncologist to talk before they start my 3rd round of chemo .. Sister Susie will arrive shortly before 8:30 to drag me over to the doctors office
::insert giggles from daily phone call to my mom!!::
i'm baaaaack !!
now for the rest of the day, the day before chemo, i have groceries being delivered between 10 and noon a couple more minor to-do's and then i'm on my own to "have fun" .. i'm thinking i'll start on one of the Butch Karp series books that my sister, Nancy, purchased for me on e-bay !!! hopefully if the sun stays out and the construction workers from down the block are quiet, maybe i'll go sit on my porch swing and soak up some mother nature
or if its overcast, i'll sit in my cozy bed, distracted by the rays of color reflecting from the dream catcher that my sister Linda mailed to me (and arrived yesterday !!) its beautiful !! i ended up hanging it in my bedroom window, the crystals are making sure that all these beautiful colors explode onto my bedroom walls !! thank you Linda :)
and a quick peak out my office window reveals yet another beautiful surprise !! the soon to be sunflowers are now "official" sunflowers !!!
check it out !!
i'll keep saying it, life is SOOOOOO good !!!
Monday, 19 September 2005
Dear Diary; Dear God; Dear Friends ...
Dear Diary ..
yesterday was the day my eyelashes began falling out in clumps .. i'm a wee bit sad, i've grown attached to having eyelashes .. i mean i've had them for my entire life .. but i guess its ok since i don't even have any eye makeup since i gave it all to my daughter in my recent attempt to rescue her from having lost all her makeup
today i'm hoping that i find something funny about having a hairless face .. ok, its not hairless, but God, if you're listening .. i have something to say
i have accepted the fact that i was losing my hair, i took control (which helped my heart feel not-so-helpless) and i had my friend Vera come to my rescue and shave my head, figuring that it was better to be bald than having the mangy dog with bald spots look
i've more or less decided that if my hair comes back in all gray, that i'm NOT going to color my hair again .. after my recent trials and tribulations, i'm kinda figuring i have earned every single strand of gray and i'm going to love growing old with style, grace and dignity (yes .. i am still planing on growing OLD!!)
i'm actually loving the fact that i haven't had to shave my legs or under my arms for several months .. there IS something good coming from losing body hair
my "private" hair situation will remain private .. ok guys? i mean i love sharing, but thats just a bit too personal .. but since i'm currently single, my private hair situation will remain between me and my daughter .. i just HAD to show her the effects the chemo had "down there" hehe
BUT i have one issue God .. something i don't understand .. i have one single stubborn hair on my chin .. and i swear, that while that single hair is the ONLY ONE on my entire body that i WANTED to loose .. its growing like a weed .. and i'm a bit bewildered why you've decided thats the one hair that i deserve to keep .. and yes, i'm laughing at the irony of my chemo vs hair situation ;-)
health wise, emotionally wise, i'm on the rebound .. on the "mend" .. i've almost completely recovered from the viral infection that ended up with me being hospitalized for 4 days .. i know the chemicals from my second round of chemo on August 19th have more or less left my body .. i don't taste chemicals .. i am no longer nauseous .. bit by bit my energy level is returning .. and i'm on the countdown to chemo again .. this Friday, September 23rd, i'm scheduled for my 3rd round of chemo .. this time adding a new chemical to the mix, hoping that THIS chemical will be the one that reduces the size of the 3 inch cancerous tumor in my right lung and allows me to get one step closer become a surgical candidate
i spent a few days feeling frustrated that even though the 2 rounds of chemo made me so sick that i spent 4 days in my own bed .. i was so weak that i ended up hospitalized because of some tiny little flu bug .. i lost the ability to eat, i completely lost my appetite, i lost the energy to make myself something to eat or drink .. i've lost too much weight .. i have cried tears of self pity .. i had days that i prayed that i had the strength to endure the pain for just a few more seconds .. and then a few seconds more .. while i'd like to think i'm "living day by day", there were times i had to change that to "second by second" .. but i'm still here .. this "2 week vacation from chemo" has allowed me to get back up on my feet again and now i'm ready to hear the bells that round 3 begins
i don't know if God is going to allow me to be healed on earth, or if he's decided that i will be healed in heaven .. for my childrens sake, i hope God has chosen the former .. i don't want to die .. i really don't .. i'm not finished here and i wish God would send me a sign soon that i'm going to have some time left with my children where i'm "cancer free"
but i know, ultimately, its a decision that is out of my control .. what IS in my control is my attitude .. i'm going to continue to fight for my life .. i'm going to continue to laugh this damned cancer in its face till it runs away and hides with its tail between its legs .. and i've got a great oncologist and thoracic surgeon next to me .. i've got people in my life who believe in the power of prayer .. and others who believe in the power of modern medicine .. me, i believe in the power of all the above, plus the healing powers of laughter
what i DO know for certain is that i have gained a greater appreciation for life .. and for that, i am grateful
::drying my tears .. clearing my throat::
changing subjects like i've been changing hats to keep my bald head warm ..
i made a new years resolution a few years back to start replacing burned out lightbulbs around the house .. so far, i've been successful and i haven't let months go by with "replace lightbulbs" on my to-do list
next year, i'm making the resolution to start breaking down cardboard boxes as soon as i empty them, and not weeks later .. i finally received the new high calorie vanilla shake powder that i ordered online during the last week of August .. although the company offered no good reason why i didn't qualify for the 3 - 5 day delivery time, the powder finally arrived this past week .. i removed the 3 pound container of powder and as is my nature, left the cardboard box, fully intact, on the kitchen floor until i was "ready" to break it down and move it to the recycling container
my cats have taken a fancy to my laziness
momma ...
bubba ...
that fancy little hummingbird line gif indicates that i'm changing subjects, yet AGAIN !!
just in case anybody is under the mistaken impression that i've been leading a life of lazy luxury during my "chemo vacation" .. i guess i need to explain that while i've been home recovering from chemo for the past several months, i've still got a full time job .. which translates to a full time paycheck that i simply cannot live without
the deal with my bosses (boss's???) is this .. as long as i continue to fulfill my responsibilities, i will receive my paycheck
i've converted my daughters bedroom into my home office .. i'm an accountant, and one of my responsibilities is taking care of the personal books of my "Big Boss" .. i could go on endlessly, but suffice to say that my Big Boss takes delight in opening new checking accounts across the country and spending his money .. the banks .. hmmmm .. 11 accounts at last count, have decided not to return canceled checks, but rather send miniature copies (and i DO mean miniature) of each check that my Big Boss has written in 2004 .. my boss has the handwriting of a physician .. my boss's tax returns are due October 17th, which gives me a deadline of September 25th to complete his tax package .. a comprehensive package that details his income and expenditures during 2004 .. deciding my life wasn't difficult enough trying to decipher his handwriting, he decided this year i wouldn't need his help and that this would be the perfect time for him to take a 2 week vacation and now he doesn't return to the states until the very day of my 3rd chemo
it took me 12 hours yesterday, after weeks of inputting data, but i finished up his tax package .. today i get to track down 2 missing Shareholder's K1's and 2 missing 2004 1099's .. i've also got a package for my boss so he can sit down (without me) and translate his handwriting into something a normal person can read ..
tomorrow i deliver the entire package to his CPA .. with instructions to hold off preparation of his actual tax returns until my boss can go through the entire stack of "what the hell is this supposed to be for" checks and deposits to his 11 miscellaneous accounts
and tomorrow i wash my hands of my responsibility for his 2004 tax returns
:: big sigh ::
now, today .. i get to focus on the rest of my job .. handling the books for some 30 odd commercial properties, partnerships, corporations, LLC's, trusts and individuals .. i'm hoping this doesn't take more than 2 days
that will leave me (i'm HOPING) wednesday and thursday to enjoy my life .. i want to read, to lounge aimlessly and without purpose .. perhaps i'll run down to the DMV to finish getting my handicap placard (the original is "missing" according to the DMV) so i need to run to my doctors office and have him RE-SIGN another form
and while a few weeks ago, my pickup truck was delivered safely to my driveway by my ex-husband .. all dents incurred during the collision caused by my son talking on his cell phone and attempting to drive at the same time, removed perfectly by the bodyshop .. they also removed my front license plate .. which requires that i fill out yet another DMV form, submit the remaining rear license plate, and apply for 2 new plates
or maybe i'll run around the house and break down all the cardboard boxes that are scattered around in miscellaneous places
or maybe i'll finish recording my journal entries so that i can share my journal with my mom living in Las Vegas, who is losing her eyesight due to her diabetes
or maybe i'll start reading the books that were sent to me by my little sister, Nancy (more of the Butch Karp series!!)
or maybe i'll write thank you notes to my chemo angels
or maybe i'll return emails to my friends and family
or maybe i'll just sit here, spending the rest of my vacation from chemo, and share all my head noise in my journal eh !!! lol
yesterday was the day my eyelashes began falling out in clumps .. i'm a wee bit sad, i've grown attached to having eyelashes .. i mean i've had them for my entire life .. but i guess its ok since i don't even have any eye makeup since i gave it all to my daughter in my recent attempt to rescue her from having lost all her makeup
today i'm hoping that i find something funny about having a hairless face .. ok, its not hairless, but God, if you're listening .. i have something to say
i have accepted the fact that i was losing my hair, i took control (which helped my heart feel not-so-helpless) and i had my friend Vera come to my rescue and shave my head, figuring that it was better to be bald than having the mangy dog with bald spots look
i've more or less decided that if my hair comes back in all gray, that i'm NOT going to color my hair again .. after my recent trials and tribulations, i'm kinda figuring i have earned every single strand of gray and i'm going to love growing old with style, grace and dignity (yes .. i am still planing on growing OLD!!)
i'm actually loving the fact that i haven't had to shave my legs or under my arms for several months .. there IS something good coming from losing body hair
my "private" hair situation will remain private .. ok guys? i mean i love sharing, but thats just a bit too personal .. but since i'm currently single, my private hair situation will remain between me and my daughter .. i just HAD to show her the effects the chemo had "down there" hehe
BUT i have one issue God .. something i don't understand .. i have one single stubborn hair on my chin .. and i swear, that while that single hair is the ONLY ONE on my entire body that i WANTED to loose .. its growing like a weed .. and i'm a bit bewildered why you've decided thats the one hair that i deserve to keep .. and yes, i'm laughing at the irony of my chemo vs hair situation ;-)
health wise, emotionally wise, i'm on the rebound .. on the "mend" .. i've almost completely recovered from the viral infection that ended up with me being hospitalized for 4 days .. i know the chemicals from my second round of chemo on August 19th have more or less left my body .. i don't taste chemicals .. i am no longer nauseous .. bit by bit my energy level is returning .. and i'm on the countdown to chemo again .. this Friday, September 23rd, i'm scheduled for my 3rd round of chemo .. this time adding a new chemical to the mix, hoping that THIS chemical will be the one that reduces the size of the 3 inch cancerous tumor in my right lung and allows me to get one step closer become a surgical candidate
i spent a few days feeling frustrated that even though the 2 rounds of chemo made me so sick that i spent 4 days in my own bed .. i was so weak that i ended up hospitalized because of some tiny little flu bug .. i lost the ability to eat, i completely lost my appetite, i lost the energy to make myself something to eat or drink .. i've lost too much weight .. i have cried tears of self pity .. i had days that i prayed that i had the strength to endure the pain for just a few more seconds .. and then a few seconds more .. while i'd like to think i'm "living day by day", there were times i had to change that to "second by second" .. but i'm still here .. this "2 week vacation from chemo" has allowed me to get back up on my feet again and now i'm ready to hear the bells that round 3 begins
i don't know if God is going to allow me to be healed on earth, or if he's decided that i will be healed in heaven .. for my childrens sake, i hope God has chosen the former .. i don't want to die .. i really don't .. i'm not finished here and i wish God would send me a sign soon that i'm going to have some time left with my children where i'm "cancer free"
but i know, ultimately, its a decision that is out of my control .. what IS in my control is my attitude .. i'm going to continue to fight for my life .. i'm going to continue to laugh this damned cancer in its face till it runs away and hides with its tail between its legs .. and i've got a great oncologist and thoracic surgeon next to me .. i've got people in my life who believe in the power of prayer .. and others who believe in the power of modern medicine .. me, i believe in the power of all the above, plus the healing powers of laughter
what i DO know for certain is that i have gained a greater appreciation for life .. and for that, i am grateful
::drying my tears .. clearing my throat::
changing subjects like i've been changing hats to keep my bald head warm ..
i made a new years resolution a few years back to start replacing burned out lightbulbs around the house .. so far, i've been successful and i haven't let months go by with "replace lightbulbs" on my to-do list
next year, i'm making the resolution to start breaking down cardboard boxes as soon as i empty them, and not weeks later .. i finally received the new high calorie vanilla shake powder that i ordered online during the last week of August .. although the company offered no good reason why i didn't qualify for the 3 - 5 day delivery time, the powder finally arrived this past week .. i removed the 3 pound container of powder and as is my nature, left the cardboard box, fully intact, on the kitchen floor until i was "ready" to break it down and move it to the recycling container
my cats have taken a fancy to my laziness
momma ...
bubba ...
that fancy little hummingbird line gif indicates that i'm changing subjects, yet AGAIN !!
just in case anybody is under the mistaken impression that i've been leading a life of lazy luxury during my "chemo vacation" .. i guess i need to explain that while i've been home recovering from chemo for the past several months, i've still got a full time job .. which translates to a full time paycheck that i simply cannot live without
the deal with my bosses (boss's???) is this .. as long as i continue to fulfill my responsibilities, i will receive my paycheck
i've converted my daughters bedroom into my home office .. i'm an accountant, and one of my responsibilities is taking care of the personal books of my "Big Boss" .. i could go on endlessly, but suffice to say that my Big Boss takes delight in opening new checking accounts across the country and spending his money .. the banks .. hmmmm .. 11 accounts at last count, have decided not to return canceled checks, but rather send miniature copies (and i DO mean miniature) of each check that my Big Boss has written in 2004 .. my boss has the handwriting of a physician .. my boss's tax returns are due October 17th, which gives me a deadline of September 25th to complete his tax package .. a comprehensive package that details his income and expenditures during 2004 .. deciding my life wasn't difficult enough trying to decipher his handwriting, he decided this year i wouldn't need his help and that this would be the perfect time for him to take a 2 week vacation and now he doesn't return to the states until the very day of my 3rd chemo
it took me 12 hours yesterday, after weeks of inputting data, but i finished up his tax package .. today i get to track down 2 missing Shareholder's K1's and 2 missing 2004 1099's .. i've also got a package for my boss so he can sit down (without me) and translate his handwriting into something a normal person can read ..
tomorrow i deliver the entire package to his CPA .. with instructions to hold off preparation of his actual tax returns until my boss can go through the entire stack of "what the hell is this supposed to be for" checks and deposits to his 11 miscellaneous accounts
and tomorrow i wash my hands of my responsibility for his 2004 tax returns
:: big sigh ::
now, today .. i get to focus on the rest of my job .. handling the books for some 30 odd commercial properties, partnerships, corporations, LLC's, trusts and individuals .. i'm hoping this doesn't take more than 2 days
that will leave me (i'm HOPING) wednesday and thursday to enjoy my life .. i want to read, to lounge aimlessly and without purpose .. perhaps i'll run down to the DMV to finish getting my handicap placard (the original is "missing" according to the DMV) so i need to run to my doctors office and have him RE-SIGN another form
and while a few weeks ago, my pickup truck was delivered safely to my driveway by my ex-husband .. all dents incurred during the collision caused by my son talking on his cell phone and attempting to drive at the same time, removed perfectly by the bodyshop .. they also removed my front license plate .. which requires that i fill out yet another DMV form, submit the remaining rear license plate, and apply for 2 new plates
or maybe i'll run around the house and break down all the cardboard boxes that are scattered around in miscellaneous places
or maybe i'll finish recording my journal entries so that i can share my journal with my mom living in Las Vegas, who is losing her eyesight due to her diabetes
or maybe i'll start reading the books that were sent to me by my little sister, Nancy (more of the Butch Karp series!!)
or maybe i'll write thank you notes to my chemo angels
or maybe i'll return emails to my friends and family
or maybe i'll just sit here, spending the rest of my vacation from chemo, and share all my head noise in my journal eh !!! lol
the continuing saga of my accidental garden !
for any new readers (or forgetful ones like me) this is the continuing saga of my "accidental garden" ...
July 26, 2005"i took pictures sunday of my happy place in my front yard .. i have strung a basket high into the tree and filled it with squirrel food .. corn, sunflower seeds, pumpkin seeds .. the other day my daughter and i noticed that the seeds that had fallen out of the basket had sprouted into our own miniature garden at the base of the tree .. we even started envisioning having corn on the cob .. just a simple little accidental garden brought smiles to our faces every time we walked by
yesterday i arrived home from work, walked by our garden and noticed that the "gardeners" had pulled each and every seedling .. our accidental garden is gone"http://journals.aol.com/his1desire/GirlsHeadNoise/entries/1185
August 7, 2005"i think i wrote awhile back about my "accidental garden" .. the product of my hoisting a basket of nuts and seeds high into the tree in my front yard to feed the local birds and squirrels and mother nature taking over after that
after the gardners decided to help and pulled all my seedlings, i actually found the picures i had taken the day before .."http://journals.aol.com/his1desire/GirlsHeadNoise/entries/1197
after the gardeners pulled the seedlings, i called my landlord and complained .. then i wrote out 2 signs in spanish and attached them to the tree .. both telling people "this is my vegetable garden, please leave it alone" .. or something to that effect .. i may have threatened to behead violators, but i don't remember and i don't read spanish
after a few weeks, the gardeners heeded my warnings and more seedlings returned .. my daughter and i decided to make if more of an "official" garden and put a small fence around the base of the tree .. it really does make it look like a purposeful garden lol
today, September 19, 2005left to its own devices, my accidental garden is thriving !!
i have to confess that i'm at a place in my life where i appreciate life and all living things (except spiders)
i look at my garden .. my happy place .. and i'm simply amazed how life can spring up accidentally and if left alone manages to take care of itself .. well, my automatic sprinkler system does help :)
i snagged a few pictures yesterday to share with y'all, but realized that i neglected to get a picture of how high the corn stalks have become .. so i'm waiting for it to become daylight so i can sneak out and grab another pic before i post this entry mother nature .. god .. whatever forces are behind my accidental garden .. thank you !!
we've got sunflower blossoms .. we've got pumpkin blossoms .. we've got corn stalks that wave in the wind .. of course i realize that its going to be a bit crowded in there should we actually be blessed with actual PUMPKINS, but i think i've got that figured out .. i have enough of that little white fencing left to surround any pumpkins that want to grow out of the garden and out onto the lawn .. the little fence will keep the gardeners from "accidentally" mowing over any potential pumpkins hehe
i'm a happy camper ... can you tell? lol
July 26, 2005"i took pictures sunday of my happy place in my front yard .. i have strung a basket high into the tree and filled it with squirrel food .. corn, sunflower seeds, pumpkin seeds .. the other day my daughter and i noticed that the seeds that had fallen out of the basket had sprouted into our own miniature garden at the base of the tree .. we even started envisioning having corn on the cob .. just a simple little accidental garden brought smiles to our faces every time we walked by
yesterday i arrived home from work, walked by our garden and noticed that the "gardeners" had pulled each and every seedling .. our accidental garden is gone"http://journals.aol.com/his1desire/GirlsHeadNoise/entries/1185
August 7, 2005"i think i wrote awhile back about my "accidental garden" .. the product of my hoisting a basket of nuts and seeds high into the tree in my front yard to feed the local birds and squirrels and mother nature taking over after that
after the gardners decided to help and pulled all my seedlings, i actually found the picures i had taken the day before .."http://journals.aol.com/his1desire/GirlsHeadNoise/entries/1197
after the gardeners pulled the seedlings, i called my landlord and complained .. then i wrote out 2 signs in spanish and attached them to the tree .. both telling people "this is my vegetable garden, please leave it alone" .. or something to that effect .. i may have threatened to behead violators, but i don't remember and i don't read spanish
after a few weeks, the gardeners heeded my warnings and more seedlings returned .. my daughter and i decided to make if more of an "official" garden and put a small fence around the base of the tree .. it really does make it look like a purposeful garden lol
today, September 19, 2005left to its own devices, my accidental garden is thriving !!
i have to confess that i'm at a place in my life where i appreciate life and all living things (except spiders)
i look at my garden .. my happy place .. and i'm simply amazed how life can spring up accidentally and if left alone manages to take care of itself .. well, my automatic sprinkler system does help :)
i snagged a few pictures yesterday to share with y'all, but realized that i neglected to get a picture of how high the corn stalks have become .. so i'm waiting for it to become daylight so i can sneak out and grab another pic before i post this entry mother nature .. god .. whatever forces are behind my accidental garden .. thank you !!
we've got sunflower blossoms .. we've got pumpkin blossoms .. we've got corn stalks that wave in the wind .. of course i realize that its going to be a bit crowded in there should we actually be blessed with actual PUMPKINS, but i think i've got that figured out .. i have enough of that little white fencing left to surround any pumpkins that want to grow out of the garden and out onto the lawn .. the little fence will keep the gardeners from "accidentally" mowing over any potential pumpkins hehe
i'm a happy camper ... can you tell? lol
Saturday, 17 September 2005
day 86
first, i want to comment on
some comments that were left by you awesome people !! (yes, i consider
anyone who reads my journal and leaves encouraging comments to be
awesome !!) tell me i don't have my priorities straight !!
Via I do not recall having a memory problem.Tell me they didn't leave her home alone for two weeks.
xoxo
Comment from suzypwr - 9/16/05 7:20 AM
not to worry Suz .. my daughter wasn't left "alone" .. although it probably would have made for a great movie with dozens of sequels of course !! ;-)
her paternal grandmother is caring for her during their holiday .. and please, don't get me started on the virtues of my ex-mother-in-law .. really
if you've been reading my journal long enough, you've seen me confess on numerous occasions that i have favorite words .. i have even been known to make up a word or two when it seems fitting
my word of the day (word du jour) is segue
se·gue (s
g
w
, sgw)
any word that isn't spelled anything close to phonetically holds an odd appeal for me .. like the word clique (a small exclusive group) .. i adore that word too lol
but i digress eh !!!
one specific comment left in my journal provided me with an excellent opportunity to segue into my next intended journal entry ...
Via Random Ramblings...
And I am still LMAO over "going to school without makeup." What's he going to tell her next? Go jump out of a plane?
Men...
~~ jennifer
Comment from xzasporated1 - 9/16/05 9:16 AM
i couldn't have asked for a better segue Jennifer!! my next entry was to be posting the pictures i received from my niece Sue-Sue about her recent skydiving experience LOL
(insert Aunt bragging rights) my niece is BRAVE !! my niece is BEAUTIFUL !! my niece is COURAGEOUS !! my niece must also be CRAZY !! (i love you bunches Sue-Sue .. but sheesh !! lol)
here they are .. with no further ado .. my niece
on yet another note .. as i segue from niece to nephew ..
today is my nephew, Michael's, 13th Birthday party .. i was thrilled when i received an invitation, and it actually breaks my heart that there is no way i could attend .. his mom hired 2 local punk rock bands; rented a hall; arranged to have pizza and sodas for all his guests .. it sounds like a dream come true for any 13 year old boy who is into punk rock eh !!
so before i forget, Aunt Susie, please tell Michael Happy Birthday from his Aunt Pam .. and give him a special hug from me (and don't forget to bring your earplugs to the party lol)
Via I do not recall having a memory problem.Tell me they didn't leave her home alone for two weeks.
xoxo
Comment from suzypwr - 9/16/05 7:20 AM
not to worry Suz .. my daughter wasn't left "alone" .. although it probably would have made for a great movie with dozens of sequels of course !! ;-)
her paternal grandmother is caring for her during their holiday .. and please, don't get me started on the virtues of my ex-mother-in-law .. really
if you've been reading my journal long enough, you've seen me confess on numerous occasions that i have favorite words .. i have even been known to make up a word or two when it seems fitting
my word of the day (word du jour) is segue
se·gue (s
gw, sgw)
- To move smoothly and unhesitatingly from one state, condition, situation, or element to another
any word that isn't spelled anything close to phonetically holds an odd appeal for me .. like the word clique (a small exclusive group) .. i adore that word too lol
but i digress eh !!!
one specific comment left in my journal provided me with an excellent opportunity to segue into my next intended journal entry ...
Via Random Ramblings...
And I am still LMAO over "going to school without makeup." What's he going to tell her next? Go jump out of a plane?
Men...
~~ jennifer
Comment from xzasporated1 - 9/16/05 9:16 AM
i couldn't have asked for a better segue Jennifer!! my next entry was to be posting the pictures i received from my niece Sue-Sue about her recent skydiving experience LOL
(insert Aunt bragging rights) my niece is BRAVE !! my niece is BEAUTIFUL !! my niece is COURAGEOUS !! my niece must also be CRAZY !! (i love you bunches Sue-Sue .. but sheesh !! lol)
here they are .. with no further ado .. my niece
on yet another note .. as i segue from niece to nephew ..
today is my nephew, Michael's, 13th Birthday party .. i was thrilled when i received an invitation, and it actually breaks my heart that there is no way i could attend .. his mom hired 2 local punk rock bands; rented a hall; arranged to have pizza and sodas for all his guests .. it sounds like a dream come true for any 13 year old boy who is into punk rock eh !!
so before i forget, Aunt Susie, please tell Michael Happy Birthday from his Aunt Pam .. and give him a special hug from me (and don't forget to bring your earplugs to the party lol)
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