had i known that the conversation
with my daughter that followed would have ended up as one that i would
remember for the rest of my life, i would have paid much more attention
to how the conversation started
i believe my daughter and i were
watching TV and a commercial showed a grandmother interacting with her
grandchildren .. or maybe it was some TV show we were watching
my daughter turned to me and
asked me if i was going to treat her children "like that" .. i wasn't
really paying attention to whatever was on TV so i answered her "your
children are going to love me !" and of course thinking to myself
because i would let them get away with all the stuff that i couldn't let
my own children get away with
her question caught me completely
off guard .. first of all she's only 13 years old and i didn't know 13
year olds think about having children .. second, i have to confess that
planning for the future isn't one of my strong points .. instead i live
day to day .. moment to moment .. what am i cooking for dinner and do i
have enough gas in my car to get to work tomorrow are more my speed .. i
haven't ever given any thought to having grandchildren some day .. its
always seemed so far into the future that it wasn't worth giving much
thought to (like i don't have enough head noise eh !!)
my daughter was qualifying her
question to me .. "what i mean mom, is are you going to let them make
most of their own decisions like you let us?"
now she really had my attention
.. sure .. i have tried to teach my children how to make decisions and
from an early age, how to consider consequences when making any decision
.. but i've known that trying to teach my children something i think is
valuable is much different than teaching something *they* think is
valuable .. apparently my daughter and i agree on this one
so i assured her that yes, i
would also teach her children how to make good decisions .. she smiled
and told me something that i'm taking the time to write in my journal
since it ranks way up there in things i never want to forget
"mom .. i want to raise my
children like you've raised us but i don't think i know how to teach
them the important things .. would you help me raise my children?"
my tears were immediate and my
beautiful little girl assumed she hurt my feelings .. i had to laugh and
assure her that it was quite the opposite .. never in my life have i
gone to my own parents for advice on how to raise my children .. sure, i
learned valuable lessons from my parents on raising children by the way
i was raised .. sadly, what i learned from my own parents were lessons
on how NOT to raise children
that at the age of 13, when i
know 99% of the time my daughter is convinced i was put on this planet
to keep her from having any fun and making her life completely
unbearable she'd be asking for MY help raising her own children ..
ahhhhhh .. i can't think of anything she could have done to let me know
that maybe, just maybe, i'm on the right parenting track
my parents raised their own kids
by sheltering us .. refusing to believe anything we had to say was worth
giving consideration to .. never once teaching us about consequences
and how to make decisions .. when my son was young i was determined to
raise my children differently
and we started small
snacks have always been kept
within their reach .. they made their own decision on when it was
appropriate to have a snack .. with the warning that if i felt they were
continually ruining their appetite for meals, i'd be making the
decision instead
they were never given any limits
on how much time they could play nintendo .. unless i felt they couldn't
control themselves and i'd make the decision for them
some privileges they learned in
little steps .. giving them the opportunity to show me they were
responsible .. when both of my children felt they needed a key to the
house, they were given a worthless key to hold on to for 2 weeks .. if
they didn't lose it .. they got a real key
they've never had a set bedtime
.. or a set homework time .. when i felt they weren't getting enough
sleep or weren't getting their homework done, they were threatened with
having me make the decision for them
i remember i had a similar
conversation with my son when he was 14 .. i have never expected my
children to appreciate the way they're raised .. yet 5 years ago my son
was completely aware that he was raised differently than most of his
friends .. "mom, when my friends make a mistake and get into trouble,
their parents take away the privilege forever. but you just take it
away for a little while and let me show you that i've learned and you
give me another chance."
when my children make bad
decisions, we talk afterwards about a decision they could have made that
would have had better consequences
their punishment? the consequence of their bad decision of course
i guess kinda like life eh?
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