Here it is!
now go check it out !!!
Friday, 23 September 2005
how i spent my "chemo" vacation !
i'm doing my little countdown to
chemo ritual (COUNTDOWN TO CHEMO CLOCK SAYS 2 HOURS AND 15 MINUTES) and i
do believe its now become a tradition for me to post some meaningless
post the morn of my chemo eh !!!
why mess with tradition
i remember being back in the hospital earlier this month with the flu .. did i mention that i actually got to see my very OWN oncologist on my last day there? he makes his hospital rounds between 7 and 8:30, before he heads off to seeing a full day of patients that aren't in the hospital
i hope he's making a ton of money off us sick cancer people .. i don't know how he does it .. one morning, before lunch, he'd seen 25 patients .. not very many of us are "happy" people .. well, cept me ;-)
a couple of "techs" or "patients" have comments that my doc is one of the best there is, "as long as you can get past his personality" .. GET PAST IT?!? its one of the things i love most about him !! when its time to get down to business, he gives it to me straight .. no beating around the bush, no platitudes, no false hope .. he speaks the truth .. and the more "truth" i want to know, the more detail he's willing to give me .. then afterwards, or before, depending on the news he has to share with me, then we quip, or flirt a bit, and he kinda squeezes my shoulder or gives me a quick, one arm hug .. i'm not here to get sympathy from the guy, i want him to save my life so way back on Sept 6th, i'm in my private hospital room, my 4th day, packing to go home when i hear a knock on my door
i recognize the voice of my oncologist "are you naked?"
and of course i reply "no, but give me a few minutes"
he strolls into my room chuckling .. i'm at the sink, getting prettied up for my trip home
"rumor has it you've been running a fever"
so i wink at him .. "i made it all up doc, just so i could experience some of your infamous 'bedside manner'"
"well" he replies, "now you've seen it, and we can both go home now"
"not really Doc, this doesn't count because i'm not REALLY in bed" and with that i scoot quickly over to my hospital bed, flop myself on the bed, cross my arms across my chest and tell him "ok doc, hit me with your best stuff!!"
we don't roll around the floors laughing, but i know he brightens my day and i'm thinking a brighten his day just a bit too .. at least i hope i do .. if there is one person in my life who deserves a bit of sunshine now and then .. he's the guy
(COUNTDOWN TO CHEMO CLOCK SAYS 1 HOUR 57 MINUTES)
yesterday was MY day .. i wanted a 2 week vacation of sorts, i ended up with a one day vacation .. and i loved it !!
i even got to take a nap (ok, its cheating because since i started chemo, i can't sleep unless i take a pill but i DID take a pill, and i DID take a nap .. i LOVE my naps - happy hour is a nap!!)
oddly enough, my daughter has been with her father just a week or so before i was diagnosed with lung cancer .. then after the diagnosis, she moved in with him and his wife .. so i've been living alone for this entire experience .. except for the one or two times my daughter came to visit and spent the night or the weekends my sister Susie stays with me after my chemo ..
(with one exception in the past 90 days) the only times i've been able to fall asleep without taking a pill is when either my daughter or my sister are visiting for the weekend
hmmmm ..
any way, this journaling time is cutting into my shower time so i best get a move on
i spent the morning reading Immortal Certainty sent to me by my Sister, Nancy (waving!!) outside, on my porch swing .. loving every moment of it
then i decided how i wanted to spend MY one day vacation -- you see, i've been receiving potted plants since i've been sick from chemo .. and i'm not exactly good at remembering to do things like "water them" .. i figured if they wanted even a small chance at life, they'd have to be moved outside near the automatic sprinklers
do i drove myself to the hardware store (a mere 1/2 mile away), i took the truck .. giggling since the last time i drove my truck was in June .. and i bought 6 planters, 3 bags of planting mix, 4 new potted plants, and more plastic gloves .. i was standing at the register, the girls was adding up my purchases when suddenly the heat began to get to me, so i apologized to her and took off my hat, exposing my bald head .. she smiled and actually told me she liked it better !! i said "what the hell" and drove home bald too lol in fact, i've learned that if i was to keep the screaming kids from next door inside while i'm gardening .. do it in the bald .. i found it comical they were nowhere to be seen for the entire afternoon lol|
i then proceeded to salvage any of the "get well" potted plants and the new plants .. then moved the planters to various places around the yard so they can catch the overspray from the automatic sprinklers
and then i stepped back and admired my work :)
here's the pics i took along the way ...
then i took a quick shower cause .. well, you know .. gardening is "dirty" lol
then i toasted my new "garden" with a shot of coconut rum
and as i sit here now, i can smile and feel that yesterday was a VERY good day .. the kind that makes me feel "normal" :)
on that note .. i need to go pack my chemo kit and take a shower .. and i suppose i should eat breakfast too .. i'm just not feeling hungry though ;-)
why mess with tradition
i remember being back in the hospital earlier this month with the flu .. did i mention that i actually got to see my very OWN oncologist on my last day there? he makes his hospital rounds between 7 and 8:30, before he heads off to seeing a full day of patients that aren't in the hospital
i hope he's making a ton of money off us sick cancer people .. i don't know how he does it .. one morning, before lunch, he'd seen 25 patients .. not very many of us are "happy" people .. well, cept me ;-)
a couple of "techs" or "patients" have comments that my doc is one of the best there is, "as long as you can get past his personality" .. GET PAST IT?!? its one of the things i love most about him !! when its time to get down to business, he gives it to me straight .. no beating around the bush, no platitudes, no false hope .. he speaks the truth .. and the more "truth" i want to know, the more detail he's willing to give me .. then afterwards, or before, depending on the news he has to share with me, then we quip, or flirt a bit, and he kinda squeezes my shoulder or gives me a quick, one arm hug .. i'm not here to get sympathy from the guy, i want him to save my life so way back on Sept 6th, i'm in my private hospital room, my 4th day, packing to go home when i hear a knock on my door
i recognize the voice of my oncologist "are you naked?"
and of course i reply "no, but give me a few minutes"
he strolls into my room chuckling .. i'm at the sink, getting prettied up for my trip home
"rumor has it you've been running a fever"
so i wink at him .. "i made it all up doc, just so i could experience some of your infamous 'bedside manner'"
"well" he replies, "now you've seen it, and we can both go home now"
"not really Doc, this doesn't count because i'm not REALLY in bed" and with that i scoot quickly over to my hospital bed, flop myself on the bed, cross my arms across my chest and tell him "ok doc, hit me with your best stuff!!"
we don't roll around the floors laughing, but i know he brightens my day and i'm thinking a brighten his day just a bit too .. at least i hope i do .. if there is one person in my life who deserves a bit of sunshine now and then .. he's the guy
(COUNTDOWN TO CHEMO CLOCK SAYS 1 HOUR 57 MINUTES)
yesterday was MY day .. i wanted a 2 week vacation of sorts, i ended up with a one day vacation .. and i loved it !!
i even got to take a nap (ok, its cheating because since i started chemo, i can't sleep unless i take a pill but i DID take a pill, and i DID take a nap .. i LOVE my naps - happy hour is a nap!!)
oddly enough, my daughter has been with her father just a week or so before i was diagnosed with lung cancer .. then after the diagnosis, she moved in with him and his wife .. so i've been living alone for this entire experience .. except for the one or two times my daughter came to visit and spent the night or the weekends my sister Susie stays with me after my chemo ..
(with one exception in the past 90 days) the only times i've been able to fall asleep without taking a pill is when either my daughter or my sister are visiting for the weekend
hmmmm ..
any way, this journaling time is cutting into my shower time so i best get a move on
i spent the morning reading Immortal Certainty sent to me by my Sister, Nancy (waving!!) outside, on my porch swing .. loving every moment of it
then i decided how i wanted to spend MY one day vacation -- you see, i've been receiving potted plants since i've been sick from chemo .. and i'm not exactly good at remembering to do things like "water them" .. i figured if they wanted even a small chance at life, they'd have to be moved outside near the automatic sprinklers
do i drove myself to the hardware store (a mere 1/2 mile away), i took the truck .. giggling since the last time i drove my truck was in June .. and i bought 6 planters, 3 bags of planting mix, 4 new potted plants, and more plastic gloves .. i was standing at the register, the girls was adding up my purchases when suddenly the heat began to get to me, so i apologized to her and took off my hat, exposing my bald head .. she smiled and actually told me she liked it better !! i said "what the hell" and drove home bald too lol in fact, i've learned that if i was to keep the screaming kids from next door inside while i'm gardening .. do it in the bald .. i found it comical they were nowhere to be seen for the entire afternoon lol|
i then proceeded to salvage any of the "get well" potted plants and the new plants .. then moved the planters to various places around the yard so they can catch the overspray from the automatic sprinklers
and then i stepped back and admired my work :)
here's the pics i took along the way ...
then i took a quick shower cause .. well, you know .. gardening is "dirty" lol
then i toasted my new "garden" with a shot of coconut rum
and as i sit here now, i can smile and feel that yesterday was a VERY good day .. the kind that makes me feel "normal" :)
on that note .. i need to go pack my chemo kit and take a shower .. and i suppose i should eat breakfast too .. i'm just not feeling hungry though ;-)
Thursday, 22 September 2005
i declare today "sunflower day" !!!
i have decided to take a break from
eatting and reading about Butch Karp to post a few gifs i just received
.. these were so perfect, i just had to take a moment so that i could
share them with you .. Thank you Suzy via Adventures of Suzy Colorado .. i don't how you always manage to find such perfect examples to send to me !!
and thank you !!
aren't they just beautiful !?!?!
and for those AOL JOURNALERS amongst us ...
everyone IS using their new file managers to upload images to your FTP space now right? i've used an internation form of the file manager (requiring that i read german lol) for years, its wonderful to see that we wee folk down here in the US of A finally get to see a version we can use too !!
BIG WHOOPS .. i forgot to post the links to your file manager lol blame it on the cancer .. thats what we always do around here lol
http://hometown.aol.com/_fm
AOL Hometown : File Manager
its so much easier being able to upload 4 image files at a time .. you can read more about it in Joe, Journal Editor's journal ... Web-Based File Manager Is Here!
and thank you !!
aren't they just beautiful !?!?!
and for those AOL JOURNALERS amongst us ...
everyone IS using their new file managers to upload images to your FTP space now right? i've used an internation form of the file manager (requiring that i read german lol) for years, its wonderful to see that we wee folk down here in the US of A finally get to see a version we can use too !!
BIG WHOOPS .. i forgot to post the links to your file manager lol blame it on the cancer .. thats what we always do around here lol
http://hometown.aol.com/_fm
AOL Hometown : File Manager
its so much easier being able to upload 4 image files at a time .. you can read more about it in Joe, Journal Editor's journal ... Web-Based File Manager Is Here!
day 91
i've only got 12 minutes before my daily phone call to my mom so i figured i'd sit down and at least start a journal entry ..
::big sigh::
tomorrow is my 3rd round of chemo .. i did my research last night on the new drug my oncologist is adding to the mix "Avastin" .. and found basically NOTHING about the results of the drug on stage IIIa lung cancer .. i read a lot about the effects on other types of cancer; a read a lot about the trials on stage IV lung cancer .. the results average that those cancer patients were given an additional 2 months to be able to live .. but i have state III lung cancer so it doesn't apply to me .. except i found one article that stated that Avastin "looks promising for the treatment of lung cancer" and of course the fact that the drug manufacturer's stocks have risen 25% since its release in the market
yesterday i managed to finish up ALL my work responsibilities .. i met with my boss's CPA, who graciously met me at my house to go over the paper work .. today i don't want to deal with the "Pam as an employee" aspect of my life NOR do i want to deal with "Pam. the cancer patient" aspect of my life .. i just want to relax and enjoy my life for 24 hours .. no stress, no demands, no sadness ..
tomorrow morning at 8:30 i go to the lab for more blood work .. at 8:50, i meet with my oncologist to talk before they start my 3rd round of chemo .. Sister Susie will arrive shortly before 8:30 to drag me over to the doctors office
::insert giggles from daily phone call to my mom!!::
i'm baaaaack !!
now for the rest of the day, the day before chemo, i have groceries being delivered between 10 and noon a couple more minor to-do's and then i'm on my own to "have fun" .. i'm thinking i'll start on one of the Butch Karp series books that my sister, Nancy, purchased for me on e-bay !!! hopefully if the sun stays out and the construction workers from down the block are quiet, maybe i'll go sit on my porch swing and soak up some mother nature
or if its overcast, i'll sit in my cozy bed, distracted by the rays of color reflecting from the dream catcher that my sister Linda mailed to me (and arrived yesterday !!) its beautiful !! i ended up hanging it in my bedroom window, the crystals are making sure that all these beautiful colors explode onto my bedroom walls !! thank you Linda :)
and a quick peak out my office window reveals yet another beautiful surprise !! the soon to be sunflowers are now "official" sunflowers !!!
check it out !!
i'll keep saying it, life is SOOOOOO good !!!
::big sigh::
tomorrow is my 3rd round of chemo .. i did my research last night on the new drug my oncologist is adding to the mix "Avastin" .. and found basically NOTHING about the results of the drug on stage IIIa lung cancer .. i read a lot about the effects on other types of cancer; a read a lot about the trials on stage IV lung cancer .. the results average that those cancer patients were given an additional 2 months to be able to live .. but i have state III lung cancer so it doesn't apply to me .. except i found one article that stated that Avastin "looks promising for the treatment of lung cancer" and of course the fact that the drug manufacturer's stocks have risen 25% since its release in the market
yesterday i managed to finish up ALL my work responsibilities .. i met with my boss's CPA, who graciously met me at my house to go over the paper work .. today i don't want to deal with the "Pam as an employee" aspect of my life NOR do i want to deal with "Pam. the cancer patient" aspect of my life .. i just want to relax and enjoy my life for 24 hours .. no stress, no demands, no sadness ..
tomorrow morning at 8:30 i go to the lab for more blood work .. at 8:50, i meet with my oncologist to talk before they start my 3rd round of chemo .. Sister Susie will arrive shortly before 8:30 to drag me over to the doctors office
::insert giggles from daily phone call to my mom!!::
i'm baaaaack !!
now for the rest of the day, the day before chemo, i have groceries being delivered between 10 and noon a couple more minor to-do's and then i'm on my own to "have fun" .. i'm thinking i'll start on one of the Butch Karp series books that my sister, Nancy, purchased for me on e-bay !!! hopefully if the sun stays out and the construction workers from down the block are quiet, maybe i'll go sit on my porch swing and soak up some mother nature
or if its overcast, i'll sit in my cozy bed, distracted by the rays of color reflecting from the dream catcher that my sister Linda mailed to me (and arrived yesterday !!) its beautiful !! i ended up hanging it in my bedroom window, the crystals are making sure that all these beautiful colors explode onto my bedroom walls !! thank you Linda :)
and a quick peak out my office window reveals yet another beautiful surprise !! the soon to be sunflowers are now "official" sunflowers !!!
check it out !!
i'll keep saying it, life is SOOOOOO good !!!
Monday, 19 September 2005
Dear Diary; Dear God; Dear Friends ...
Dear Diary ..
yesterday was the day my eyelashes began falling out in clumps .. i'm a wee bit sad, i've grown attached to having eyelashes .. i mean i've had them for my entire life .. but i guess its ok since i don't even have any eye makeup since i gave it all to my daughter in my recent attempt to rescue her from having lost all her makeup
today i'm hoping that i find something funny about having a hairless face .. ok, its not hairless, but God, if you're listening .. i have something to say
i have accepted the fact that i was losing my hair, i took control (which helped my heart feel not-so-helpless) and i had my friend Vera come to my rescue and shave my head, figuring that it was better to be bald than having the mangy dog with bald spots look
i've more or less decided that if my hair comes back in all gray, that i'm NOT going to color my hair again .. after my recent trials and tribulations, i'm kinda figuring i have earned every single strand of gray and i'm going to love growing old with style, grace and dignity (yes .. i am still planing on growing OLD!!)
i'm actually loving the fact that i haven't had to shave my legs or under my arms for several months .. there IS something good coming from losing body hair
my "private" hair situation will remain private .. ok guys? i mean i love sharing, but thats just a bit too personal .. but since i'm currently single, my private hair situation will remain between me and my daughter .. i just HAD to show her the effects the chemo had "down there" hehe
BUT i have one issue God .. something i don't understand .. i have one single stubborn hair on my chin .. and i swear, that while that single hair is the ONLY ONE on my entire body that i WANTED to loose .. its growing like a weed .. and i'm a bit bewildered why you've decided thats the one hair that i deserve to keep .. and yes, i'm laughing at the irony of my chemo vs hair situation ;-)
health wise, emotionally wise, i'm on the rebound .. on the "mend" .. i've almost completely recovered from the viral infection that ended up with me being hospitalized for 4 days .. i know the chemicals from my second round of chemo on August 19th have more or less left my body .. i don't taste chemicals .. i am no longer nauseous .. bit by bit my energy level is returning .. and i'm on the countdown to chemo again .. this Friday, September 23rd, i'm scheduled for my 3rd round of chemo .. this time adding a new chemical to the mix, hoping that THIS chemical will be the one that reduces the size of the 3 inch cancerous tumor in my right lung and allows me to get one step closer become a surgical candidate
i spent a few days feeling frustrated that even though the 2 rounds of chemo made me so sick that i spent 4 days in my own bed .. i was so weak that i ended up hospitalized because of some tiny little flu bug .. i lost the ability to eat, i completely lost my appetite, i lost the energy to make myself something to eat or drink .. i've lost too much weight .. i have cried tears of self pity .. i had days that i prayed that i had the strength to endure the pain for just a few more seconds .. and then a few seconds more .. while i'd like to think i'm "living day by day", there were times i had to change that to "second by second" .. but i'm still here .. this "2 week vacation from chemo" has allowed me to get back up on my feet again and now i'm ready to hear the bells that round 3 begins
i don't know if God is going to allow me to be healed on earth, or if he's decided that i will be healed in heaven .. for my childrens sake, i hope God has chosen the former .. i don't want to die .. i really don't .. i'm not finished here and i wish God would send me a sign soon that i'm going to have some time left with my children where i'm "cancer free"
but i know, ultimately, its a decision that is out of my control .. what IS in my control is my attitude .. i'm going to continue to fight for my life .. i'm going to continue to laugh this damned cancer in its face till it runs away and hides with its tail between its legs .. and i've got a great oncologist and thoracic surgeon next to me .. i've got people in my life who believe in the power of prayer .. and others who believe in the power of modern medicine .. me, i believe in the power of all the above, plus the healing powers of laughter
what i DO know for certain is that i have gained a greater appreciation for life .. and for that, i am grateful
::drying my tears .. clearing my throat::
changing subjects like i've been changing hats to keep my bald head warm ..
i made a new years resolution a few years back to start replacing burned out lightbulbs around the house .. so far, i've been successful and i haven't let months go by with "replace lightbulbs" on my to-do list
next year, i'm making the resolution to start breaking down cardboard boxes as soon as i empty them, and not weeks later .. i finally received the new high calorie vanilla shake powder that i ordered online during the last week of August .. although the company offered no good reason why i didn't qualify for the 3 - 5 day delivery time, the powder finally arrived this past week .. i removed the 3 pound container of powder and as is my nature, left the cardboard box, fully intact, on the kitchen floor until i was "ready" to break it down and move it to the recycling container
my cats have taken a fancy to my laziness
momma ...
bubba ...
that fancy little hummingbird line gif indicates that i'm changing subjects, yet AGAIN !!
just in case anybody is under the mistaken impression that i've been leading a life of lazy luxury during my "chemo vacation" .. i guess i need to explain that while i've been home recovering from chemo for the past several months, i've still got a full time job .. which translates to a full time paycheck that i simply cannot live without
the deal with my bosses (boss's???) is this .. as long as i continue to fulfill my responsibilities, i will receive my paycheck
i've converted my daughters bedroom into my home office .. i'm an accountant, and one of my responsibilities is taking care of the personal books of my "Big Boss" .. i could go on endlessly, but suffice to say that my Big Boss takes delight in opening new checking accounts across the country and spending his money .. the banks .. hmmmm .. 11 accounts at last count, have decided not to return canceled checks, but rather send miniature copies (and i DO mean miniature) of each check that my Big Boss has written in 2004 .. my boss has the handwriting of a physician .. my boss's tax returns are due October 17th, which gives me a deadline of September 25th to complete his tax package .. a comprehensive package that details his income and expenditures during 2004 .. deciding my life wasn't difficult enough trying to decipher his handwriting, he decided this year i wouldn't need his help and that this would be the perfect time for him to take a 2 week vacation and now he doesn't return to the states until the very day of my 3rd chemo
it took me 12 hours yesterday, after weeks of inputting data, but i finished up his tax package .. today i get to track down 2 missing Shareholder's K1's and 2 missing 2004 1099's .. i've also got a package for my boss so he can sit down (without me) and translate his handwriting into something a normal person can read ..
tomorrow i deliver the entire package to his CPA .. with instructions to hold off preparation of his actual tax returns until my boss can go through the entire stack of "what the hell is this supposed to be for" checks and deposits to his 11 miscellaneous accounts
and tomorrow i wash my hands of my responsibility for his 2004 tax returns
:: big sigh ::
now, today .. i get to focus on the rest of my job .. handling the books for some 30 odd commercial properties, partnerships, corporations, LLC's, trusts and individuals .. i'm hoping this doesn't take more than 2 days
that will leave me (i'm HOPING) wednesday and thursday to enjoy my life .. i want to read, to lounge aimlessly and without purpose .. perhaps i'll run down to the DMV to finish getting my handicap placard (the original is "missing" according to the DMV) so i need to run to my doctors office and have him RE-SIGN another form
and while a few weeks ago, my pickup truck was delivered safely to my driveway by my ex-husband .. all dents incurred during the collision caused by my son talking on his cell phone and attempting to drive at the same time, removed perfectly by the bodyshop .. they also removed my front license plate .. which requires that i fill out yet another DMV form, submit the remaining rear license plate, and apply for 2 new plates
or maybe i'll run around the house and break down all the cardboard boxes that are scattered around in miscellaneous places
or maybe i'll finish recording my journal entries so that i can share my journal with my mom living in Las Vegas, who is losing her eyesight due to her diabetes
or maybe i'll start reading the books that were sent to me by my little sister, Nancy (more of the Butch Karp series!!)
or maybe i'll write thank you notes to my chemo angels
or maybe i'll return emails to my friends and family
or maybe i'll just sit here, spending the rest of my vacation from chemo, and share all my head noise in my journal eh !!! lol
yesterday was the day my eyelashes began falling out in clumps .. i'm a wee bit sad, i've grown attached to having eyelashes .. i mean i've had them for my entire life .. but i guess its ok since i don't even have any eye makeup since i gave it all to my daughter in my recent attempt to rescue her from having lost all her makeup
today i'm hoping that i find something funny about having a hairless face .. ok, its not hairless, but God, if you're listening .. i have something to say
i have accepted the fact that i was losing my hair, i took control (which helped my heart feel not-so-helpless) and i had my friend Vera come to my rescue and shave my head, figuring that it was better to be bald than having the mangy dog with bald spots look
i've more or less decided that if my hair comes back in all gray, that i'm NOT going to color my hair again .. after my recent trials and tribulations, i'm kinda figuring i have earned every single strand of gray and i'm going to love growing old with style, grace and dignity (yes .. i am still planing on growing OLD!!)
i'm actually loving the fact that i haven't had to shave my legs or under my arms for several months .. there IS something good coming from losing body hair
my "private" hair situation will remain private .. ok guys? i mean i love sharing, but thats just a bit too personal .. but since i'm currently single, my private hair situation will remain between me and my daughter .. i just HAD to show her the effects the chemo had "down there" hehe
BUT i have one issue God .. something i don't understand .. i have one single stubborn hair on my chin .. and i swear, that while that single hair is the ONLY ONE on my entire body that i WANTED to loose .. its growing like a weed .. and i'm a bit bewildered why you've decided thats the one hair that i deserve to keep .. and yes, i'm laughing at the irony of my chemo vs hair situation ;-)
health wise, emotionally wise, i'm on the rebound .. on the "mend" .. i've almost completely recovered from the viral infection that ended up with me being hospitalized for 4 days .. i know the chemicals from my second round of chemo on August 19th have more or less left my body .. i don't taste chemicals .. i am no longer nauseous .. bit by bit my energy level is returning .. and i'm on the countdown to chemo again .. this Friday, September 23rd, i'm scheduled for my 3rd round of chemo .. this time adding a new chemical to the mix, hoping that THIS chemical will be the one that reduces the size of the 3 inch cancerous tumor in my right lung and allows me to get one step closer become a surgical candidate
i spent a few days feeling frustrated that even though the 2 rounds of chemo made me so sick that i spent 4 days in my own bed .. i was so weak that i ended up hospitalized because of some tiny little flu bug .. i lost the ability to eat, i completely lost my appetite, i lost the energy to make myself something to eat or drink .. i've lost too much weight .. i have cried tears of self pity .. i had days that i prayed that i had the strength to endure the pain for just a few more seconds .. and then a few seconds more .. while i'd like to think i'm "living day by day", there were times i had to change that to "second by second" .. but i'm still here .. this "2 week vacation from chemo" has allowed me to get back up on my feet again and now i'm ready to hear the bells that round 3 begins
i don't know if God is going to allow me to be healed on earth, or if he's decided that i will be healed in heaven .. for my childrens sake, i hope God has chosen the former .. i don't want to die .. i really don't .. i'm not finished here and i wish God would send me a sign soon that i'm going to have some time left with my children where i'm "cancer free"
but i know, ultimately, its a decision that is out of my control .. what IS in my control is my attitude .. i'm going to continue to fight for my life .. i'm going to continue to laugh this damned cancer in its face till it runs away and hides with its tail between its legs .. and i've got a great oncologist and thoracic surgeon next to me .. i've got people in my life who believe in the power of prayer .. and others who believe in the power of modern medicine .. me, i believe in the power of all the above, plus the healing powers of laughter
what i DO know for certain is that i have gained a greater appreciation for life .. and for that, i am grateful
::drying my tears .. clearing my throat::
changing subjects like i've been changing hats to keep my bald head warm ..
i made a new years resolution a few years back to start replacing burned out lightbulbs around the house .. so far, i've been successful and i haven't let months go by with "replace lightbulbs" on my to-do list
next year, i'm making the resolution to start breaking down cardboard boxes as soon as i empty them, and not weeks later .. i finally received the new high calorie vanilla shake powder that i ordered online during the last week of August .. although the company offered no good reason why i didn't qualify for the 3 - 5 day delivery time, the powder finally arrived this past week .. i removed the 3 pound container of powder and as is my nature, left the cardboard box, fully intact, on the kitchen floor until i was "ready" to break it down and move it to the recycling container
my cats have taken a fancy to my laziness
momma ...
bubba ...
that fancy little hummingbird line gif indicates that i'm changing subjects, yet AGAIN !!
just in case anybody is under the mistaken impression that i've been leading a life of lazy luxury during my "chemo vacation" .. i guess i need to explain that while i've been home recovering from chemo for the past several months, i've still got a full time job .. which translates to a full time paycheck that i simply cannot live without
the deal with my bosses (boss's???) is this .. as long as i continue to fulfill my responsibilities, i will receive my paycheck
i've converted my daughters bedroom into my home office .. i'm an accountant, and one of my responsibilities is taking care of the personal books of my "Big Boss" .. i could go on endlessly, but suffice to say that my Big Boss takes delight in opening new checking accounts across the country and spending his money .. the banks .. hmmmm .. 11 accounts at last count, have decided not to return canceled checks, but rather send miniature copies (and i DO mean miniature) of each check that my Big Boss has written in 2004 .. my boss has the handwriting of a physician .. my boss's tax returns are due October 17th, which gives me a deadline of September 25th to complete his tax package .. a comprehensive package that details his income and expenditures during 2004 .. deciding my life wasn't difficult enough trying to decipher his handwriting, he decided this year i wouldn't need his help and that this would be the perfect time for him to take a 2 week vacation and now he doesn't return to the states until the very day of my 3rd chemo
it took me 12 hours yesterday, after weeks of inputting data, but i finished up his tax package .. today i get to track down 2 missing Shareholder's K1's and 2 missing 2004 1099's .. i've also got a package for my boss so he can sit down (without me) and translate his handwriting into something a normal person can read ..
tomorrow i deliver the entire package to his CPA .. with instructions to hold off preparation of his actual tax returns until my boss can go through the entire stack of "what the hell is this supposed to be for" checks and deposits to his 11 miscellaneous accounts
and tomorrow i wash my hands of my responsibility for his 2004 tax returns
:: big sigh ::
now, today .. i get to focus on the rest of my job .. handling the books for some 30 odd commercial properties, partnerships, corporations, LLC's, trusts and individuals .. i'm hoping this doesn't take more than 2 days
that will leave me (i'm HOPING) wednesday and thursday to enjoy my life .. i want to read, to lounge aimlessly and without purpose .. perhaps i'll run down to the DMV to finish getting my handicap placard (the original is "missing" according to the DMV) so i need to run to my doctors office and have him RE-SIGN another form
and while a few weeks ago, my pickup truck was delivered safely to my driveway by my ex-husband .. all dents incurred during the collision caused by my son talking on his cell phone and attempting to drive at the same time, removed perfectly by the bodyshop .. they also removed my front license plate .. which requires that i fill out yet another DMV form, submit the remaining rear license plate, and apply for 2 new plates
or maybe i'll run around the house and break down all the cardboard boxes that are scattered around in miscellaneous places
or maybe i'll finish recording my journal entries so that i can share my journal with my mom living in Las Vegas, who is losing her eyesight due to her diabetes
or maybe i'll start reading the books that were sent to me by my little sister, Nancy (more of the Butch Karp series!!)
or maybe i'll write thank you notes to my chemo angels
or maybe i'll return emails to my friends and family
or maybe i'll just sit here, spending the rest of my vacation from chemo, and share all my head noise in my journal eh !!! lol
the continuing saga of my accidental garden !
for any new readers (or forgetful ones like me) this is the continuing saga of my "accidental garden" ...
July 26, 2005"i took pictures sunday of my happy place in my front yard .. i have strung a basket high into the tree and filled it with squirrel food .. corn, sunflower seeds, pumpkin seeds .. the other day my daughter and i noticed that the seeds that had fallen out of the basket had sprouted into our own miniature garden at the base of the tree .. we even started envisioning having corn on the cob .. just a simple little accidental garden brought smiles to our faces every time we walked by
yesterday i arrived home from work, walked by our garden and noticed that the "gardeners" had pulled each and every seedling .. our accidental garden is gone"http://journals.aol.com/his1desire/GirlsHeadNoise/entries/1185
August 7, 2005"i think i wrote awhile back about my "accidental garden" .. the product of my hoisting a basket of nuts and seeds high into the tree in my front yard to feed the local birds and squirrels and mother nature taking over after that
after the gardners decided to help and pulled all my seedlings, i actually found the picures i had taken the day before .."http://journals.aol.com/his1desire/GirlsHeadNoise/entries/1197
after the gardeners pulled the seedlings, i called my landlord and complained .. then i wrote out 2 signs in spanish and attached them to the tree .. both telling people "this is my vegetable garden, please leave it alone" .. or something to that effect .. i may have threatened to behead violators, but i don't remember and i don't read spanish
after a few weeks, the gardeners heeded my warnings and more seedlings returned .. my daughter and i decided to make if more of an "official" garden and put a small fence around the base of the tree .. it really does make it look like a purposeful garden lol
today, September 19, 2005left to its own devices, my accidental garden is thriving !!
i have to confess that i'm at a place in my life where i appreciate life and all living things (except spiders)
i look at my garden .. my happy place .. and i'm simply amazed how life can spring up accidentally and if left alone manages to take care of itself .. well, my automatic sprinkler system does help :)
i snagged a few pictures yesterday to share with y'all, but realized that i neglected to get a picture of how high the corn stalks have become .. so i'm waiting for it to become daylight so i can sneak out and grab another pic before i post this entry mother nature .. god .. whatever forces are behind my accidental garden .. thank you !!
we've got sunflower blossoms .. we've got pumpkin blossoms .. we've got corn stalks that wave in the wind .. of course i realize that its going to be a bit crowded in there should we actually be blessed with actual PUMPKINS, but i think i've got that figured out .. i have enough of that little white fencing left to surround any pumpkins that want to grow out of the garden and out onto the lawn .. the little fence will keep the gardeners from "accidentally" mowing over any potential pumpkins hehe
i'm a happy camper ... can you tell? lol
July 26, 2005"i took pictures sunday of my happy place in my front yard .. i have strung a basket high into the tree and filled it with squirrel food .. corn, sunflower seeds, pumpkin seeds .. the other day my daughter and i noticed that the seeds that had fallen out of the basket had sprouted into our own miniature garden at the base of the tree .. we even started envisioning having corn on the cob .. just a simple little accidental garden brought smiles to our faces every time we walked by
yesterday i arrived home from work, walked by our garden and noticed that the "gardeners" had pulled each and every seedling .. our accidental garden is gone"http://journals.aol.com/his1desire/GirlsHeadNoise/entries/1185
August 7, 2005"i think i wrote awhile back about my "accidental garden" .. the product of my hoisting a basket of nuts and seeds high into the tree in my front yard to feed the local birds and squirrels and mother nature taking over after that
after the gardners decided to help and pulled all my seedlings, i actually found the picures i had taken the day before .."http://journals.aol.com/his1desire/GirlsHeadNoise/entries/1197
after the gardeners pulled the seedlings, i called my landlord and complained .. then i wrote out 2 signs in spanish and attached them to the tree .. both telling people "this is my vegetable garden, please leave it alone" .. or something to that effect .. i may have threatened to behead violators, but i don't remember and i don't read spanish
after a few weeks, the gardeners heeded my warnings and more seedlings returned .. my daughter and i decided to make if more of an "official" garden and put a small fence around the base of the tree .. it really does make it look like a purposeful garden lol
today, September 19, 2005left to its own devices, my accidental garden is thriving !!
i have to confess that i'm at a place in my life where i appreciate life and all living things (except spiders)
i look at my garden .. my happy place .. and i'm simply amazed how life can spring up accidentally and if left alone manages to take care of itself .. well, my automatic sprinkler system does help :)
i snagged a few pictures yesterday to share with y'all, but realized that i neglected to get a picture of how high the corn stalks have become .. so i'm waiting for it to become daylight so i can sneak out and grab another pic before i post this entry mother nature .. god .. whatever forces are behind my accidental garden .. thank you !!
we've got sunflower blossoms .. we've got pumpkin blossoms .. we've got corn stalks that wave in the wind .. of course i realize that its going to be a bit crowded in there should we actually be blessed with actual PUMPKINS, but i think i've got that figured out .. i have enough of that little white fencing left to surround any pumpkins that want to grow out of the garden and out onto the lawn .. the little fence will keep the gardeners from "accidentally" mowing over any potential pumpkins hehe
i'm a happy camper ... can you tell? lol
Saturday, 17 September 2005
day 86
first, i want to comment on
some comments that were left by you awesome people !! (yes, i consider
anyone who reads my journal and leaves encouraging comments to be
awesome !!) tell me i don't have my priorities straight !!
Via I do not recall having a memory problem.Tell me they didn't leave her home alone for two weeks.
xoxo
Comment from suzypwr - 9/16/05 7:20 AM
not to worry Suz .. my daughter wasn't left "alone" .. although it probably would have made for a great movie with dozens of sequels of course !! ;-)
her paternal grandmother is caring for her during their holiday .. and please, don't get me started on the virtues of my ex-mother-in-law .. really
if you've been reading my journal long enough, you've seen me confess on numerous occasions that i have favorite words .. i have even been known to make up a word or two when it seems fitting
my word of the day (word du jour) is segue
se·gue (s
g
w
, sgw)
any word that isn't spelled anything close to phonetically holds an odd appeal for me .. like the word clique (a small exclusive group) .. i adore that word too lol
but i digress eh !!!
one specific comment left in my journal provided me with an excellent opportunity to segue into my next intended journal entry ...
Via Random Ramblings...
And I am still LMAO over "going to school without makeup." What's he going to tell her next? Go jump out of a plane?
Men...
~~ jennifer
Comment from xzasporated1 - 9/16/05 9:16 AM
i couldn't have asked for a better segue Jennifer!! my next entry was to be posting the pictures i received from my niece Sue-Sue about her recent skydiving experience LOL
(insert Aunt bragging rights) my niece is BRAVE !! my niece is BEAUTIFUL !! my niece is COURAGEOUS !! my niece must also be CRAZY !! (i love you bunches Sue-Sue .. but sheesh !! lol)
here they are .. with no further ado .. my niece
on yet another note .. as i segue from niece to nephew ..
today is my nephew, Michael's, 13th Birthday party .. i was thrilled when i received an invitation, and it actually breaks my heart that there is no way i could attend .. his mom hired 2 local punk rock bands; rented a hall; arranged to have pizza and sodas for all his guests .. it sounds like a dream come true for any 13 year old boy who is into punk rock eh !!
so before i forget, Aunt Susie, please tell Michael Happy Birthday from his Aunt Pam .. and give him a special hug from me (and don't forget to bring your earplugs to the party lol)
Via I do not recall having a memory problem.Tell me they didn't leave her home alone for two weeks.
xoxo
Comment from suzypwr - 9/16/05 7:20 AM
not to worry Suz .. my daughter wasn't left "alone" .. although it probably would have made for a great movie with dozens of sequels of course !! ;-)
her paternal grandmother is caring for her during their holiday .. and please, don't get me started on the virtues of my ex-mother-in-law .. really
if you've been reading my journal long enough, you've seen me confess on numerous occasions that i have favorite words .. i have even been known to make up a word or two when it seems fitting
my word of the day (word du jour) is segue
se·gue (s
gw, sgw)
- To move smoothly and unhesitatingly from one state, condition, situation, or element to another
any word that isn't spelled anything close to phonetically holds an odd appeal for me .. like the word clique (a small exclusive group) .. i adore that word too lol
but i digress eh !!!
one specific comment left in my journal provided me with an excellent opportunity to segue into my next intended journal entry ...
Via Random Ramblings...
And I am still LMAO over "going to school without makeup." What's he going to tell her next? Go jump out of a plane?
Men...
~~ jennifer
Comment from xzasporated1 - 9/16/05 9:16 AM
i couldn't have asked for a better segue Jennifer!! my next entry was to be posting the pictures i received from my niece Sue-Sue about her recent skydiving experience LOL
(insert Aunt bragging rights) my niece is BRAVE !! my niece is BEAUTIFUL !! my niece is COURAGEOUS !! my niece must also be CRAZY !! (i love you bunches Sue-Sue .. but sheesh !! lol)
here they are .. with no further ado .. my niece
on yet another note .. as i segue from niece to nephew ..
today is my nephew, Michael's, 13th Birthday party .. i was thrilled when i received an invitation, and it actually breaks my heart that there is no way i could attend .. his mom hired 2 local punk rock bands; rented a hall; arranged to have pizza and sodas for all his guests .. it sounds like a dream come true for any 13 year old boy who is into punk rock eh !!
so before i forget, Aunt Susie, please tell Michael Happy Birthday from his Aunt Pam .. and give him a special hug from me (and don't forget to bring your earplugs to the party lol)
Friday, 16 September 2005
feeling oh so close to "normal" !!!
i did it !!
i drove a car !! i read a map !! i didn't get lost, nor did i get into an auto accident !! i was on time, i got to rescue my daughter, and i didn't freak out !!
and i got hugs and hugs from my little girl for understanding how traumatic the thought of going to school without makeup was for her .. and we laughed like old times .. and my heart soared like only a mother could understand
as i sit here now, i have to say that i haven't felt this "normal" for a very long time .. i am beaming .. i am so relieved and happy
i made sure and told my daughter thank you for letting me be her mom .. cause feeling needed by her was the best medicine for my heart
and then i got stuck in a traffic jam cause i decided i was doing so well driving that i could handle driving hell-bent-for-election on the freeway with the rest of the crazy drivers
apparently a van, heading northbound on highway 17 ended up flipping over the median divider and ended up landing in the fast lane, upside down, on southbound highway 17 .. see, my life ain't so bad
now, i'm off to make my daily phone call to my own momma .. cause she does my heart good too :)
i drove a car !! i read a map !! i didn't get lost, nor did i get into an auto accident !! i was on time, i got to rescue my daughter, and i didn't freak out !!
and i got hugs and hugs from my little girl for understanding how traumatic the thought of going to school without makeup was for her .. and we laughed like old times .. and my heart soared like only a mother could understand
as i sit here now, i have to say that i haven't felt this "normal" for a very long time .. i am beaming .. i am so relieved and happy
i made sure and told my daughter thank you for letting me be her mom .. cause feeling needed by her was the best medicine for my heart
and then i got stuck in a traffic jam cause i decided i was doing so well driving that i could handle driving hell-bent-for-election on the freeway with the rest of the crazy drivers
apparently a van, heading northbound on highway 17 ended up flipping over the median divider and ended up landing in the fast lane, upside down, on southbound highway 17 .. see, my life ain't so bad
now, i'm off to make my daily phone call to my own momma .. cause she does my heart good too :)
driving miss baldy
ohhhhhh ... i'm nervous
my 14 year old daughter frantically called me from daddy's house last night (now mind you, daddy and 2nd mommy are currently in the middle of a 2 week holiday in hawaii - this was an important vacation and obviously their plans couldn't be changed regardless of the fact that they now have a "FULLTIME" teenage daughter)
my daughter lost her backpack last night .. its a first for her so there was NO way i was going to scold her .. we're hoping it ends up turned in to lost and found at school this morning
in her backpack was all her makeup .. so thats gone now too
when she finally got ahold of her daddy in hawaii, he told her to go to school tomorrow without makeup to see if she can find her backpack
i laughed when i heard his suggestion
sheesh .. some men just don't get it ya know?
so i promised my daughter that this morning i'd bring over my makeup for her to wear until she can find her own (or replace her own)
and i haven't driven since .. well .. mid-august i guess
me, who can't walk from the living room to the bathroom without forgetting where i'm going
but this is a CRISIS !! an EMERGENCY !!!
and doing daughter rescues are what mamas do best
i just wish i had more confidence in my driving ability .. oh jeez .. its ONLY 12.7 miles one way using the freeways .. but i think i'm sticking to the surface streets cause i don't think i wanna drive too fast lol
my 14 year old daughter frantically called me from daddy's house last night (now mind you, daddy and 2nd mommy are currently in the middle of a 2 week holiday in hawaii - this was an important vacation and obviously their plans couldn't be changed regardless of the fact that they now have a "FULLTIME" teenage daughter)
my daughter lost her backpack last night .. its a first for her so there was NO way i was going to scold her .. we're hoping it ends up turned in to lost and found at school this morning
in her backpack was all her makeup .. so thats gone now too
when she finally got ahold of her daddy in hawaii, he told her to go to school tomorrow without makeup to see if she can find her backpack
i laughed when i heard his suggestion
sheesh .. some men just don't get it ya know?
so i promised my daughter that this morning i'd bring over my makeup for her to wear until she can find her own (or replace her own)
and i haven't driven since .. well .. mid-august i guess
me, who can't walk from the living room to the bathroom without forgetting where i'm going
but this is a CRISIS !! an EMERGENCY !!!
and doing daughter rescues are what mamas do best
i just wish i had more confidence in my driving ability .. oh jeez .. its ONLY 12.7 miles one way using the freeways .. but i think i'm sticking to the surface streets cause i don't think i wanna drive too fast lol
Thursday, 15 September 2005
head noise du jour
my 20 year old son (who is colleging
in hawaii) always seems surprised that i always seem happy when he
calls me .. i finally let him in on my happiness secret .. i smile when i
see my son's picture light up on my cellphone .. it means he's calling
his momma .. and that ALWAYS makes me happy !!
life is good eh !!
it still shocks me to walk by and see myself in a mirror .. i still get the "damn, i'm bald!!!" response
my gray hair (for some insane reason) grows faster than my brown hair .. i have whiskers on my head but they're all gray .. my brown hair isn't growing fast enough to be considered real "whiskers" yet .. is this god's idea of a sick joke? not only do i have to be sickly lookin' and skinny and bald but now, i gotta look OLD too? lol
are ya wondering if i'm vain enough to color my gray whiskers growing atop my head?!?!
(nope .. i'm not .. i'll shave the gray whiskers off instead hehe)
y'all know i have 4 cats right? we (my partner in crime, my 14 year old daughter, who is living with her daddy right now while i "recover") rescued these creatures years ago from a neighbor who "changed their minds" and didn't want cats anymore
we have Mocha Stud, Momma Skittles, Sad Eyes (yes, like the song) and Bubba .. Sad Eyes and Bubba are from Momma's last litter .. it was breaking my heart giving our beloved kittens away to strangers so we decided to keep the 2 remaining kittens .. that was 3 years ago
here's a pic i snapped the other day of Momma .. who is determined to sleep anywhere she can fit herself
Bubba, our shy guy, is a beautiful domestic long hair fella, half black and white and half gray tabby .. he's a regal kinda guy .. when he lounges, he always crosses one paw over the other when they are outstretched in front of him .. reminds me of those Egyptian statues
Bubba is more of a auditory cat than a visual cat .. he'll respond to my voice long before he is able to recognize me by sight .. i mentioned to my mom that maybe he's losing his eyesight .. well actually i think i said he's becoming "hard of seeing"
my mom (ever so quick with the retorts) replies .. "so now you have Sad Eyes and Bad Eyes !!" lol
yesterday i spent the day trying to figure out how to get Bubba to the vet .. when i awoke at 6 am, he was sneezing, breathing with his mouth open and drooling .. he couldn't even eat because he was sneezing so much
and of course i can't drive ..
so i called their regular vet who gave me the number of a mobile vet who arrived at 2:30 pm yesterday afternoon .. thankfully Bubba slept the entire time on my bed, by my side so i didn't need to worry about him escaping out into the orchards to avoid the vet
here's a shot from my front door yesterday as i paced the living room, nervous enough to require a shot of coconut rum .. me, the humane society volunteer couldn't calm my nerves enough to stay in the van with my cat .. i had to escape to the safety of my living room .. where i paced, literally, for over 1 1/2 hours while the vet worked on my little guy (i say "little" as a term of endearment .. he actually weighted in at 15 pounds) and yes .. that IS my ever growing "accidental garden" at the base of the tree !!!
the vet found a foxtail embedded deep inside his right nostril .. bad bad foxtails .. and my guy slept off the anesthesia for 2 hours after the "extraction" .. ask me how relieved i was that she actually found something and then fixed him .. he got canned salmon as his "treat" for being such a good patient :)
here's a pic of Bubba recovering
and this morning, his appetite is back to normal and i shot this picture this morning, Bubba (Bad Eyes) gobbling away and Sad Eyes (ever the gentleman) waiting patiently in line lol
and on that note, i wish i had more energy to share the pics i just received from my niece Susan, but you're just gonna have to wait !!!
life is good eh !!
it still shocks me to walk by and see myself in a mirror .. i still get the "damn, i'm bald!!!" response
my gray hair (for some insane reason) grows faster than my brown hair .. i have whiskers on my head but they're all gray .. my brown hair isn't growing fast enough to be considered real "whiskers" yet .. is this god's idea of a sick joke? not only do i have to be sickly lookin' and skinny and bald but now, i gotta look OLD too? lol
are ya wondering if i'm vain enough to color my gray whiskers growing atop my head?!?!
(nope .. i'm not .. i'll shave the gray whiskers off instead hehe)
y'all know i have 4 cats right? we (my partner in crime, my 14 year old daughter, who is living with her daddy right now while i "recover") rescued these creatures years ago from a neighbor who "changed their minds" and didn't want cats anymore
we have Mocha Stud, Momma Skittles, Sad Eyes (yes, like the song) and Bubba .. Sad Eyes and Bubba are from Momma's last litter .. it was breaking my heart giving our beloved kittens away to strangers so we decided to keep the 2 remaining kittens .. that was 3 years ago
here's a pic i snapped the other day of Momma .. who is determined to sleep anywhere she can fit herself
Bubba, our shy guy, is a beautiful domestic long hair fella, half black and white and half gray tabby .. he's a regal kinda guy .. when he lounges, he always crosses one paw over the other when they are outstretched in front of him .. reminds me of those Egyptian statues
Bubba is more of a auditory cat than a visual cat .. he'll respond to my voice long before he is able to recognize me by sight .. i mentioned to my mom that maybe he's losing his eyesight .. well actually i think i said he's becoming "hard of seeing"
my mom (ever so quick with the retorts) replies .. "so now you have Sad Eyes and Bad Eyes !!" lol
yesterday i spent the day trying to figure out how to get Bubba to the vet .. when i awoke at 6 am, he was sneezing, breathing with his mouth open and drooling .. he couldn't even eat because he was sneezing so much
and of course i can't drive ..
so i called their regular vet who gave me the number of a mobile vet who arrived at 2:30 pm yesterday afternoon .. thankfully Bubba slept the entire time on my bed, by my side so i didn't need to worry about him escaping out into the orchards to avoid the vet
here's a shot from my front door yesterday as i paced the living room, nervous enough to require a shot of coconut rum .. me, the humane society volunteer couldn't calm my nerves enough to stay in the van with my cat .. i had to escape to the safety of my living room .. where i paced, literally, for over 1 1/2 hours while the vet worked on my little guy (i say "little" as a term of endearment .. he actually weighted in at 15 pounds) and yes .. that IS my ever growing "accidental garden" at the base of the tree !!!
the vet found a foxtail embedded deep inside his right nostril .. bad bad foxtails .. and my guy slept off the anesthesia for 2 hours after the "extraction" .. ask me how relieved i was that she actually found something and then fixed him .. he got canned salmon as his "treat" for being such a good patient :)
here's a pic of Bubba recovering
and this morning, his appetite is back to normal and i shot this picture this morning, Bubba (Bad Eyes) gobbling away and Sad Eyes (ever the gentleman) waiting patiently in line lol
and on that note, i wish i had more energy to share the pics i just received from my niece Susan, but you're just gonna have to wait !!!
Wednesday, 14 September 2005
day 82
first, i want to thank Melissa for sending me an email reminding me to keep y'all updated :)
that hospital thing and then the flu thing really hit me hard .. maybe more emotionally than physically? ::shrugging:: all i really know is that i was so looking forward to a 2 week "vacation" from the chemo and it just didn't work out the way i had planned :)
yesterday i was well enough to venture down to my office for a couple of hours .. i had to get a ride from a coworker cause i just don't feel up to driving yet, but at least its a step in the right direction !!
fever - gonechills - gonesore throat - goneenergy level - way up !!appetite - way up !!
a few weeks/months ago, several journalers suggested i join ChemoAngels .. Welcome to Chemo Angels
i read the website and found that i was extremely hesitant in signing up for "charity" pampering .. i mean, here i am .. i have so much support from my family, friends and journaling buddies .. i figured there were probably a lot of people out there that could use their generous pampering
and then i changed my mind :)
within days i started receiving cards and small gifts from my 2 chemo angels .. (i think somebody made a mistake and assigned me 2 angels, when we're only supposed to get one .. but if you don't tell them, i won't either !!)
i have Erika, my Angel from Virginiaandi have Sandy, my Angel from Illinois
these 2 ladies have made me WANT to walk out to my mailbox again !!! when somebody like me is racking up over $60,000 in medical costs (so far) a trip to the mailbox can end up being a rather traumatic event !!
the cards they send to me, the way they share their lives with me, cheering me on, wishing me well, sending refrigerator magnets, bookmarks .. you should see how my dresser top is covered with their special mail !! i am like a child at Christmas when i walk out to my mailbox and see that i have mail from my angel's !!
wow .. i'm actually sitting here crying .. i don't know if these 2 ladies have any idea how much it means to me to be able to spend a few moments a week .. smiling, reading the cards i received from each of them .. they are both so sweet and we seem to have so much in common !!
i wish i had the energy to correspond with both of my chemo angels .. but i don't and trust me, my handwriting is looking more like a 2 year olds than a 49 year olds lol
so i figured, instead, maybe i'd just write a little something in my journal, letting both of them know how much they mean to me .. and then sending them a copy of this entry ..
i realize i'm gonna get "caught" when they discover i have 2 angels :( so i am probably going to lose one of them .. but thats ok .. cause the amount of pampering i've received so far, just a few weeks after signing up for chemo angels .. well, they just have this way of making me feel special :)
i think the part that made it so easy for me to accept their pampering is .. well, this is what was written in the email i received from ChemoAngels ..
PLEASE NOTE!!! We want you to focus your energy on your health. You do not have to respond to your Angels if you are not up to it. This is not a pen pal program (unless you want it to be!) This is all for you. And if you are of the old school who feel compelled to send a thank-you note for every item received, we ask you to resist that urge. Your Angel(s) would appreciate a brief email or note from you every now and then just to let her/him know how you are doing, but please do not feel that you must respond. If you ever feel that your Angel is expecting a response from you, please let me know. If you ever do not hear from your Angel for 10 days or more, PLEASE notify me! We want you to experience the best that the ChemoAngels program has to offer. thank you to MY Angels .. thank you :)
and thanks to both journalers whosuggested i join ChemoAngels :)
and thanks to my lil sis Nancy, who has decided to make a "career" out of finding me books from my list to read lol
that hospital thing and then the flu thing really hit me hard .. maybe more emotionally than physically? ::shrugging:: all i really know is that i was so looking forward to a 2 week "vacation" from the chemo and it just didn't work out the way i had planned :)
yesterday i was well enough to venture down to my office for a couple of hours .. i had to get a ride from a coworker cause i just don't feel up to driving yet, but at least its a step in the right direction !!
fever - gonechills - gonesore throat - goneenergy level - way up !!appetite - way up !!
a few weeks/months ago, several journalers suggested i join ChemoAngels .. Welcome to Chemo Angels
i read the website and found that i was extremely hesitant in signing up for "charity" pampering .. i mean, here i am .. i have so much support from my family, friends and journaling buddies .. i figured there were probably a lot of people out there that could use their generous pampering
and then i changed my mind :)
within days i started receiving cards and small gifts from my 2 chemo angels .. (i think somebody made a mistake and assigned me 2 angels, when we're only supposed to get one .. but if you don't tell them, i won't either !!)
i have Erika, my Angel from Virginiaandi have Sandy, my Angel from Illinois
these 2 ladies have made me WANT to walk out to my mailbox again !!! when somebody like me is racking up over $60,000 in medical costs (so far) a trip to the mailbox can end up being a rather traumatic event !!
the cards they send to me, the way they share their lives with me, cheering me on, wishing me well, sending refrigerator magnets, bookmarks .. you should see how my dresser top is covered with their special mail !! i am like a child at Christmas when i walk out to my mailbox and see that i have mail from my angel's !!
wow .. i'm actually sitting here crying .. i don't know if these 2 ladies have any idea how much it means to me to be able to spend a few moments a week .. smiling, reading the cards i received from each of them .. they are both so sweet and we seem to have so much in common !!
i wish i had the energy to correspond with both of my chemo angels .. but i don't and trust me, my handwriting is looking more like a 2 year olds than a 49 year olds lol
so i figured, instead, maybe i'd just write a little something in my journal, letting both of them know how much they mean to me .. and then sending them a copy of this entry ..
i realize i'm gonna get "caught" when they discover i have 2 angels :( so i am probably going to lose one of them .. but thats ok .. cause the amount of pampering i've received so far, just a few weeks after signing up for chemo angels .. well, they just have this way of making me feel special :)
i think the part that made it so easy for me to accept their pampering is .. well, this is what was written in the email i received from ChemoAngels ..
PLEASE NOTE!!! We want you to focus your energy on your health. You do not have to respond to your Angels if you are not up to it. This is not a pen pal program (unless you want it to be!) This is all for you. And if you are of the old school who feel compelled to send a thank-you note for every item received, we ask you to resist that urge. Your Angel(s) would appreciate a brief email or note from you every now and then just to let her/him know how you are doing, but please do not feel that you must respond. If you ever feel that your Angel is expecting a response from you, please let me know. If you ever do not hear from your Angel for 10 days or more, PLEASE notify me! We want you to experience the best that the ChemoAngels program has to offer. thank you to MY Angels .. thank you :)
and thanks to both journalers whosuggested i join ChemoAngels :)
and thanks to my lil sis Nancy, who has decided to make a "career" out of finding me books from my list to read lol
Sunday, 11 September 2005
i need a hug hehe
this is going to be a short entry .. i just don't want anyone thinking i've dropped off the face of the planet
i woke up friday morning with the chills again .. by 11 am my temp had risen to 103 degrees (again) .. a call to my oncologists office and of course they want me to head back down to the emergency room
if i recall correctly, i think i said "forgetaboutit" .. and i asked for an alternative .. i reminded them that all my tests are clear .. i have nothing that can be "fixed" by going back to the hospital .. i am still on antibiotics .. i (obviously) have a viral infection .. they agreed that i probably have the flu, and recommend bed rest, liquids and tylenol flu medicine .. and extracted a promise from me to rush off to the emergency room if my fever exceeds 101.5 degrees while taking the tylenol
i've been a "good patient" (more or less) and i've been in bed since friday morning .. i was feeling better this morning so i finally got some office work done (yes .. i've been feeling pressured from the emails from my boss asking when this and that are finally gonna be done) and then started feeling feverish again so i climbed back into bed again
i've tied a knot on to the end of my rope and i'm hanging on ..
hopefully i'll be laughing a year from now about how ironic it was that i got the flu during my "2 week vacation from chemo" .. but right now, i'm more than a bit cranky .. ok, a LOT cranky
and if you read this Sheila .. i received in the mail the 3 beautiful hand knitted hats you surprised me with yesterday .. i will definitely show them off in my journal when i don't feel so crappy (and a huge thanks to my mailman for bringing them too my door cause i just didn't have the energy to go check my mail yesterday)
i'm going back to bed now .. grrrrrrrrrrrr ;-)
i woke up friday morning with the chills again .. by 11 am my temp had risen to 103 degrees (again) .. a call to my oncologists office and of course they want me to head back down to the emergency room
if i recall correctly, i think i said "forgetaboutit" .. and i asked for an alternative .. i reminded them that all my tests are clear .. i have nothing that can be "fixed" by going back to the hospital .. i am still on antibiotics .. i (obviously) have a viral infection .. they agreed that i probably have the flu, and recommend bed rest, liquids and tylenol flu medicine .. and extracted a promise from me to rush off to the emergency room if my fever exceeds 101.5 degrees while taking the tylenol
i've been a "good patient" (more or less) and i've been in bed since friday morning .. i was feeling better this morning so i finally got some office work done (yes .. i've been feeling pressured from the emails from my boss asking when this and that are finally gonna be done) and then started feeling feverish again so i climbed back into bed again
i've tied a knot on to the end of my rope and i'm hanging on ..
hopefully i'll be laughing a year from now about how ironic it was that i got the flu during my "2 week vacation from chemo" .. but right now, i'm more than a bit cranky .. ok, a LOT cranky
and if you read this Sheila .. i received in the mail the 3 beautiful hand knitted hats you surprised me with yesterday .. i will definitely show them off in my journal when i don't feel so crappy (and a huge thanks to my mailman for bringing them too my door cause i just didn't have the energy to go check my mail yesterday)
i'm going back to bed now .. grrrrrrrrrrrr ;-)
Friday, 9 September 2005
day 78
i got up a tad early today, 3:30 to
be exact .. even though i've been using sleeping pills to battle my
insomnia, i have a ton of work to get done in the next 2 weeks and times
a wastin' !!
yesterday my Sister Susie and i had a conversation on how the dynamics of our family seems to have shifted so suddenly and completely .. i see life going on around me, events, family emergencies .. and i'm not throwing myself into the mix as i felt i used to
my nephew, Michael, is having his 13th birthday shindig next week, on Saturday .. i even got an invite that he designed himself!! he's got a couple of local punk rock bands showing up .. got himself a hall with a stage set up .. tickets to his party all sent out, pizzas ordered !! makes me long for the old days when i would have put up with the loud obnoxious music just to see a smile on Michael's face
i had a lot of fun yesterday with my sister Susie .. as weird as that feels to admit .. i've recently lost the ability to keep my mouth shut .. and my hearing just ain't what it used to be .. add to that my inability to multitask mentally and i'm actually well on my way to becoming a one man show
our first task of the day was my chest x-ray .. ya know, a picture of the size of my tumor compared to the one taken last month .. the technician actually remembered us .. of course we asked about Chet .. you can read more about Chet here -----> http://journals.aol.com/his1desire/GirlsHeadNoise/entries/1210
i guess Chet only comes in once every few months or so .. both my sister and i were a little disappointed he wasn't there again .. but we DID manage to wrangle his last name out of my doctor, so at least i have a shot of finding him again !!!
i don't know if y'all have gotten a chest x-ray lately but they give you these 2 little stickers that have a tiny BB on each label .. and you get to attach them to your nipples (i suppose if you have more than 2 nipples they'll give you more) i guess it gives them a landmark since the metal bb's show up on the x-ray .. as i was getting dressed after the procedure, i joked with the tech about leaving my bb's on .. and i did lol
it wasn't until i got up into my oncologists exam room and was told to remove my sweater and bra that i realized my doc was gonna see my nipple stickers .. a quick conference with Sister Susie, and i decided to leave em on .. kinda throw caution to the wind .. as my doc went to open my gown, i clutched my gown closed and leaned in to confide in him "you need to know that i've found my own cheap version of Victoria's secret .. and it IS a secret and only you and i know" and then opened my gown to expose my nipple stickers LOL thank god he laughed too .. what a great was to begin an exam eh !!!
he talked .. i listened .. when he got to telling me my tumor wasn't responding to the chemicals .. i think i bit my lip, glanced at my sister who started to move in my direction to comfort me .. thankfully she realized that i had to distance my heart away from the information my brain was receiving and she stayed seated .. i still amaze myself at how i am able to do that .. to put the emotional turmoil (the major "awww f**k") on hold so my brain can take care of business ..
i just kept repeating "its not BAD news" "its not BAD news" .. "bad" news would have been that the tumor was larger .. and the doc isn't giving up on me .. and i'm not giving up on him either
although he did try to convince me to schedule my chemo with the replacement doctor when my doc is on vacation next week .. "all the ladies love him and want to marry him .. my older female patients want their daughters to marry him" .. i told him i wasn't looking for a doctor to marry .. i wanted one i could trust and i'd already found him .. "so i'll wait an extra week until you return if thats OK with you" .. how could he tell me "no" eh? hehe
people have been constantly telling me to think positive .. "just KNOW that your tumor has shrunk" .. but thats not my nature .. i'm more a realist and i don't think that what i think my tumor is doing or not doing is at all related to what is going on in my head .. which is not to say i'm NOT positive .. or that i'm not having the time of my life .. but i don't put all my eggs in one basket .. i make sure i am aware of the possibilities of each and every outcome .. and i prepare myself for the worst, the best and everything in between .. it kinda takes the sting out of getting hit upside the head with a 4 x 4 when i'm told the treatment isn't working ya know
i've also developed a recent paranoia of mold (add to my germs, bacteria and all things "dirty" list") and seriously had my sister de-molding things so i don't get a fungal infection .. i researched online and found a whole lot of different kinds of mold that can be harmful to chemo patients .. certain household plants .. kitchen appliances .. cut flowers .. shower curtains and bathroom blinds .. next on my list is to move all my new plant arrangements to a garden outside .. unfortunately its also been recommended that i refrain from gardening cause its .. well .. "dirty" lol
but i've got my latex gloves, i've got my surgical mask .. now all i need is a big shovel and a bit more energy than i've got now and i'm a goin' gardenin' !! again, here i go !! throwing caution to the wind hehe
i called my mom last night and filled her in on the latest .. its hard to gauge her reaction to my news since she's got a cold, cough and sniffles ..
then i called my son in hawaii (who made me promise never to keep secrets from him) and gave him the update that we're moving to Plan B .. i know he's scared too .. but he always sucks it up and puts his most positive foot forward with me .. he told me to get over there to hawaii, where he "can take care of me" .. i laughed and told him there was NO way i was getting on an airplane "do you know how many germs are floating around on airplanes?!?!?! hehe .. i know my cancer has kinda rocked his world .. and as much as i want to "hide and protect" him .. me made me promise not to .. but it hurts that i can't hug him when i give him some "not bad news just not the Best news"
then i called my ex-husbands house .. my daughter answered (since she's living there now) and i asked to speak to her dad (we kinda have an agreement that he and his wife Suzan are my liaisons to my daughter when i have news to share .. "we've got company and they're spending the night mom" .. i told her it wasn't anything that couldn't wait till morning
on that note .. i have a ton of work to do this morning .. at least 500 or so invoices to process and checks to write and then i get to start on my "big" bosses tax return package .. the dude burns through the money and i have a hard time tracking what he is spending, so this is my biggest, most complicated task each year .. he left me an email that he wanted to meet with me "on friday" at the office "to go over his tax package" prior to sending it off to the CPA .. i had to leave my Big Boss a message that friday wasn't going to work
first of all, i ain't up to drivin' yet .. and second .. there ain't no "tax package" yet .. its now a huge huge pile of paper that has yet to be organized and entered into the computer .. i have nothing to talk to him about since i have NO idea what he did last year because i STILL can't read his handwriting on his checks .. and i STILL need him to start writing legibly and putting better descriptions on each check so i can code it properly for income tax purposes .. the only thing i have so far are the checks and deposits that i am responsible for .. i take care of his personal books to make sure he doesn't default on his mortgage(s) and utilities and such .. but i think he spends more of his money than i do lol
so i have next week scheduled to do nothing but organize his books into something the CPA can use to prepare his income tax returns .. ewwwwww .. i really don't want to do this .. its just not high up there on my list of fun things to do
well, its nearly goin' on 6 am so i best get moving before i change my mind .. and i've got some research to do yet on that fancy new drug, Avastin .. but i'm not in the mood to be wearing my "cancer hat" right now .. my "working woman" hat is feeling much more comfortable
and why doesn't AOL have smilies with hats? sheesh
yesterday my Sister Susie and i had a conversation on how the dynamics of our family seems to have shifted so suddenly and completely .. i see life going on around me, events, family emergencies .. and i'm not throwing myself into the mix as i felt i used to
my nephew, Michael, is having his 13th birthday shindig next week, on Saturday .. i even got an invite that he designed himself!! he's got a couple of local punk rock bands showing up .. got himself a hall with a stage set up .. tickets to his party all sent out, pizzas ordered !! makes me long for the old days when i would have put up with the loud obnoxious music just to see a smile on Michael's face
i had a lot of fun yesterday with my sister Susie .. as weird as that feels to admit .. i've recently lost the ability to keep my mouth shut .. and my hearing just ain't what it used to be .. add to that my inability to multitask mentally and i'm actually well on my way to becoming a one man show
our first task of the day was my chest x-ray .. ya know, a picture of the size of my tumor compared to the one taken last month .. the technician actually remembered us .. of course we asked about Chet .. you can read more about Chet here -----> http://journals.aol.com/his1desire/GirlsHeadNoise/entries/1210
i guess Chet only comes in once every few months or so .. both my sister and i were a little disappointed he wasn't there again .. but we DID manage to wrangle his last name out of my doctor, so at least i have a shot of finding him again !!!
i don't know if y'all have gotten a chest x-ray lately but they give you these 2 little stickers that have a tiny BB on each label .. and you get to attach them to your nipples (i suppose if you have more than 2 nipples they'll give you more) i guess it gives them a landmark since the metal bb's show up on the x-ray .. as i was getting dressed after the procedure, i joked with the tech about leaving my bb's on .. and i did lol
it wasn't until i got up into my oncologists exam room and was told to remove my sweater and bra that i realized my doc was gonna see my nipple stickers .. a quick conference with Sister Susie, and i decided to leave em on .. kinda throw caution to the wind .. as my doc went to open my gown, i clutched my gown closed and leaned in to confide in him "you need to know that i've found my own cheap version of Victoria's secret .. and it IS a secret and only you and i know" and then opened my gown to expose my nipple stickers LOL thank god he laughed too .. what a great was to begin an exam eh !!!
he talked .. i listened .. when he got to telling me my tumor wasn't responding to the chemicals .. i think i bit my lip, glanced at my sister who started to move in my direction to comfort me .. thankfully she realized that i had to distance my heart away from the information my brain was receiving and she stayed seated .. i still amaze myself at how i am able to do that .. to put the emotional turmoil (the major "awww f**k") on hold so my brain can take care of business ..
i just kept repeating "its not BAD news" "its not BAD news" .. "bad" news would have been that the tumor was larger .. and the doc isn't giving up on me .. and i'm not giving up on him either
although he did try to convince me to schedule my chemo with the replacement doctor when my doc is on vacation next week .. "all the ladies love him and want to marry him .. my older female patients want their daughters to marry him" .. i told him i wasn't looking for a doctor to marry .. i wanted one i could trust and i'd already found him .. "so i'll wait an extra week until you return if thats OK with you" .. how could he tell me "no" eh? hehe
people have been constantly telling me to think positive .. "just KNOW that your tumor has shrunk" .. but thats not my nature .. i'm more a realist and i don't think that what i think my tumor is doing or not doing is at all related to what is going on in my head .. which is not to say i'm NOT positive .. or that i'm not having the time of my life .. but i don't put all my eggs in one basket .. i make sure i am aware of the possibilities of each and every outcome .. and i prepare myself for the worst, the best and everything in between .. it kinda takes the sting out of getting hit upside the head with a 4 x 4 when i'm told the treatment isn't working ya know
i've also developed a recent paranoia of mold (add to my germs, bacteria and all things "dirty" list") and seriously had my sister de-molding things so i don't get a fungal infection .. i researched online and found a whole lot of different kinds of mold that can be harmful to chemo patients .. certain household plants .. kitchen appliances .. cut flowers .. shower curtains and bathroom blinds .. next on my list is to move all my new plant arrangements to a garden outside .. unfortunately its also been recommended that i refrain from gardening cause its .. well .. "dirty" lol
but i've got my latex gloves, i've got my surgical mask .. now all i need is a big shovel and a bit more energy than i've got now and i'm a goin' gardenin' !! again, here i go !! throwing caution to the wind hehe
i called my mom last night and filled her in on the latest .. its hard to gauge her reaction to my news since she's got a cold, cough and sniffles ..
then i called my son in hawaii (who made me promise never to keep secrets from him) and gave him the update that we're moving to Plan B .. i know he's scared too .. but he always sucks it up and puts his most positive foot forward with me .. he told me to get over there to hawaii, where he "can take care of me" .. i laughed and told him there was NO way i was getting on an airplane "do you know how many germs are floating around on airplanes?!?!?! hehe .. i know my cancer has kinda rocked his world .. and as much as i want to "hide and protect" him .. me made me promise not to .. but it hurts that i can't hug him when i give him some "not bad news just not the Best news"
then i called my ex-husbands house .. my daughter answered (since she's living there now) and i asked to speak to her dad (we kinda have an agreement that he and his wife Suzan are my liaisons to my daughter when i have news to share .. "we've got company and they're spending the night mom" .. i told her it wasn't anything that couldn't wait till morning
on that note .. i have a ton of work to do this morning .. at least 500 or so invoices to process and checks to write and then i get to start on my "big" bosses tax return package .. the dude burns through the money and i have a hard time tracking what he is spending, so this is my biggest, most complicated task each year .. he left me an email that he wanted to meet with me "on friday" at the office "to go over his tax package" prior to sending it off to the CPA .. i had to leave my Big Boss a message that friday wasn't going to work
first of all, i ain't up to drivin' yet .. and second .. there ain't no "tax package" yet .. its now a huge huge pile of paper that has yet to be organized and entered into the computer .. i have nothing to talk to him about since i have NO idea what he did last year because i STILL can't read his handwriting on his checks .. and i STILL need him to start writing legibly and putting better descriptions on each check so i can code it properly for income tax purposes .. the only thing i have so far are the checks and deposits that i am responsible for .. i take care of his personal books to make sure he doesn't default on his mortgage(s) and utilities and such .. but i think he spends more of his money than i do lol
so i have next week scheduled to do nothing but organize his books into something the CPA can use to prepare his income tax returns .. ewwwwww .. i really don't want to do this .. its just not high up there on my list of fun things to do
well, its nearly goin' on 6 am so i best get moving before i change my mind .. and i've got some research to do yet on that fancy new drug, Avastin .. but i'm not in the mood to be wearing my "cancer hat" right now .. my "working woman" hat is feeling much more comfortable
and why doesn't AOL have smilies with hats? sheesh
Thursday, 8 September 2005
day 77 or something
this is going to be a very short entry tonight .. i had one of my most physically and emotionally exhausting days so far
at 9 am i had the chest xray, at 9:30 the blood work done, and a 9:45 appointment with my oncologist .. it turns out my chemo would have been postponed anyway because my tumor has not responded to 2 rounds of the chemicals
plan b .. he wants to try a new product on the market, Avastin .. just recently approved (i'm assuming by the FDA) and has shown great promise in reducing tumors previously unresponsive to chemo alone
the problem is in the fact that the drug is still so new that insurance companies are classifying it as "experimental" and thusly, not covered .. i spoke with my boss today, actually broke down in tears, when i told him that there was no way i could come up with the $4,000 PER SHOT and i might be requiring 2 or 3 shots if the doc sees the results he wants .. my boss then tells me "don't worry about it, i'll take care of it for you" if the shots aren't covered by our insurance .. i'm still speechless
the doctors office is running the required pre-authorization through my insurance company and we've scheduled September 23rd for my 3rd round of chemo .. cisplatin, taxotere and the new wonder drug, avastin
my Sister Susie was here to hold my hand the entire day .. oddly enough, i didn't really fall apart (yet lol) its not "bad" news really, just not the good news we were all hoping for .. so, we move on to Plan B and keep fighting !!!
i'm exhausted and ready to fall face first into my bed, but only after i shared the lastest of my news with my friends here in journal land
on that note, my bed is sooooo calling my name ;-)
at 9 am i had the chest xray, at 9:30 the blood work done, and a 9:45 appointment with my oncologist .. it turns out my chemo would have been postponed anyway because my tumor has not responded to 2 rounds of the chemicals
plan b .. he wants to try a new product on the market, Avastin .. just recently approved (i'm assuming by the FDA) and has shown great promise in reducing tumors previously unresponsive to chemo alone
the problem is in the fact that the drug is still so new that insurance companies are classifying it as "experimental" and thusly, not covered .. i spoke with my boss today, actually broke down in tears, when i told him that there was no way i could come up with the $4,000 PER SHOT and i might be requiring 2 or 3 shots if the doc sees the results he wants .. my boss then tells me "don't worry about it, i'll take care of it for you" if the shots aren't covered by our insurance .. i'm still speechless
the doctors office is running the required pre-authorization through my insurance company and we've scheduled September 23rd for my 3rd round of chemo .. cisplatin, taxotere and the new wonder drug, avastin
my Sister Susie was here to hold my hand the entire day .. oddly enough, i didn't really fall apart (yet lol) its not "bad" news really, just not the good news we were all hoping for .. so, we move on to Plan B and keep fighting !!!
i'm exhausted and ready to fall face first into my bed, but only after i shared the lastest of my news with my friends here in journal land
on that note, my bed is sooooo calling my name ;-)
Tuesday, 6 September 2005
home sweet home
well, in case you can't tell from this regular entry, I'M BACK HOME !!!
my fever finally broke and i got the required 24 hours without a fever so they sent me home .. i'm feeling like a wellfed well use pincushion but i'm home !!
i'd invite y'all over for a huge party but i'd probably end up sleeping through it lol
even after exhausting all medical tests available, they were still unable to determine the cause of my 103 degree fever .. but they were able to rule out bacterial infections, low white blood cell count or .. i dunno .. they ruled out a lot of stuff .. i'll be on antibiotics for another 5 days, but i'm slowly on the mend .. i swear this was the first time in my life i experienced being such a hot momma and i'm rejoicing being my old frigid self again hehe
as far as the docs can tell, my fever and rigors (real bad chills) were cause by a VIRAL INFECTION .. ya know, cold, flu ... etc .. delivered, as is the case of viruses, by a person .. an unhealthy, inconsiderate person
::shrugging:: i do have a note up on my door informing people NOT to enter if they are sick or contagous and i've provided anti-bacterial wipes for all my guests to use .. just in case (thanks to the reader who provided that suggestion) :)
now before i haul my drained bruised 125 pound self back to bed to rest, i wanted to let everyone know the doc agreed to postpone my chemo .. i would have bribed my oncologist for more time to recover from my recent ordeals, but all i had was $6 and all he required was for me to ask nicely lol
the next chemo might be postponed for one or two weeks, and he's reassured me that this delay will not have a negative long-term effect on my prognosis
i'll find out thursday when my 3rd treatment is, as i go in for my chest xray and blood work on thursday morning .. the doc still wants to check on the progress of the 2nd round of chemo and its effect (if any) on my cancer .. if my cancer hasn't responded, he's going to change my treatment and try to attack it with a mix of different chemicals
oh, and he said he never would have told me to expect to see any changes in my tumor after only one treatment and now he's aware that one of his staff told me differently .. i'd retell the story of what happened at my second chemotheraphy. but i'm just too tired :)
thanks for hanging in there with me y'all !! i got to check my comments via AOL by phone a couple of times while i was in the hospital .. i got to check my email too but the mechanical voice was really hard to comprehend at times .. i mean it really trys hard to "read" screennames and i was usually so confused by its attempt at screennames, that by the time i recovered mentally, it was nearly done "reading" the comment lol
i plan on spending the next week or two being ME, not a cancer patient filled with chemicals .. i'm getting back to my daily walks .. fattening myself up for the next round of chemo .. getting my office duties cleared up and out of the way .. and enjoying my cable DV recorder !!!
sending hugs of gratitude to each and every one of you :)
my fever finally broke and i got the required 24 hours without a fever so they sent me home .. i'm feeling like a wellfed well use pincushion but i'm home !!
i'd invite y'all over for a huge party but i'd probably end up sleeping through it lol
even after exhausting all medical tests available, they were still unable to determine the cause of my 103 degree fever .. but they were able to rule out bacterial infections, low white blood cell count or .. i dunno .. they ruled out a lot of stuff .. i'll be on antibiotics for another 5 days, but i'm slowly on the mend .. i swear this was the first time in my life i experienced being such a hot momma and i'm rejoicing being my old frigid self again hehe
as far as the docs can tell, my fever and rigors (real bad chills) were cause by a VIRAL INFECTION .. ya know, cold, flu ... etc .. delivered, as is the case of viruses, by a person .. an unhealthy, inconsiderate person
::shrugging:: i do have a note up on my door informing people NOT to enter if they are sick or contagous and i've provided anti-bacterial wipes for all my guests to use .. just in case (thanks to the reader who provided that suggestion) :)
now before i haul my drained bruised 125 pound self back to bed to rest, i wanted to let everyone know the doc agreed to postpone my chemo .. i would have bribed my oncologist for more time to recover from my recent ordeals, but all i had was $6 and all he required was for me to ask nicely lol
the next chemo might be postponed for one or two weeks, and he's reassured me that this delay will not have a negative long-term effect on my prognosis
i'll find out thursday when my 3rd treatment is, as i go in for my chest xray and blood work on thursday morning .. the doc still wants to check on the progress of the 2nd round of chemo and its effect (if any) on my cancer .. if my cancer hasn't responded, he's going to change my treatment and try to attack it with a mix of different chemicals
oh, and he said he never would have told me to expect to see any changes in my tumor after only one treatment and now he's aware that one of his staff told me differently .. i'd retell the story of what happened at my second chemotheraphy. but i'm just too tired :)
thanks for hanging in there with me y'all !! i got to check my comments via AOL by phone a couple of times while i was in the hospital .. i got to check my email too but the mechanical voice was really hard to comprehend at times .. i mean it really trys hard to "read" screennames and i was usually so confused by its attempt at screennames, that by the time i recovered mentally, it was nearly done "reading" the comment lol
i plan on spending the next week or two being ME, not a cancer patient filled with chemicals .. i'm getting back to my daily walks .. fattening myself up for the next round of chemo .. getting my office duties cleared up and out of the way .. and enjoying my cable DV recorder !!!
sending hugs of gratitude to each and every one of you :)
Sunday, 4 September 2005
Saturday, 3 September 2005
a quicky
just a heads up .. i'm off to the
emergency room with chills and 101.5 fever .. doc says my white blood
cells might be low so they're gonna test my blood and if its low, i
will have to stay at the hospital
i will let you know how it goes !
i kinda hope its just a stupid infection and they will give me drugs .. but i was so cold this morning i had to stay in bed with a heating pad and i was still cold !!
damn .. wish me luck k? i'm kinda nervous lol
i will let you know how it goes !
i kinda hope its just a stupid infection and they will give me drugs .. but i was so cold this morning i had to stay in bed with a heating pad and i was still cold !!
damn .. wish me luck k? i'm kinda nervous lol
Friday, 2 September 2005
day 74 (whoops, getting ahead of myself .. its day 70!!)
Andi wrote:"If
you can remember, sling up what kinds of books you like to read on your
next post. I am stepping around the stacks here. :)"
now this is easy!! if you would have asked which Stephen King books i haven't read, or perhaps John Grisham or Patricia Cornwell, my answer would be "i've read them all" .. and just last week, i ordered Patricia Cornwells newest book, Predator which is scheduled for release on October 25th !! but just a few months ago i discovered a new favorite author and today i went online to see which of his books i haven't read yet .. the author is Robert K. Tanenbaum and these books are from his Marlene Ciampi Series
anyway, here are the books that i haven't read yet ...
True JusticeAct of RevengeReckless EndangermentIrrestible ImpulseFalsely AccusedCorruption of BloodJustice DeniedMaterial WitnessReversible ErrorImmoral CertaintyDepraved IndifferenceNo Lesser Plea
my daughter and i exchanged test messages late into the night wednesday .. i had taken a shot of one of our cats, Bubba, with his arm wrapped around my bed table .. and he was sound asleep ..
so i text messaged the picture to her .. i swear .. she'd respond to my message in seconds flat .. me, i had to turn on the light ... slowly type out my message and then struggle to remember how to send it .. but my phone is full of silly messages from her that still make me laugh
on another note, and before i tackle this huge stack of papers on my home office desk, last i got a call from my 20 year old son who is colleging (hehe) in hawaii .. he called to tell me he missed me ::deep contented motherly sigh:: be still my heart
i don't remember what we talked about exactly .. just chit chat, catching up .. i reminded him about my upcoming chemo on the 9th .. and he had some news for me .. he hasn't touched a cigarette since he returned back to school earlier this month!!!!! he wanted to make sure he had a good chance of succeeding before he shared his news with me .. he still won't say "i've quit" but he hasn't smoked since August 11th.
See .. something good has come from my lung cancer :) if you want to know how much it means to me that my son is even trying to quit .. its about the best thing he could have done to make me feel like my current struggles haven't all been for nothing .. 'cuse me while i cry
'cept of course, mine are tears of relief
and then my son meekly asked me if i'd managed to start using the lesser dosage of nicotine patches yet .. he asked so gently .. so tentatively .. he's always been so tender with my heart .. and i was relieved to be able to tell him that yes, i'd changed from the daily nicotine dosage of 24 mg to 12 mg a day
here's my own "statistics" from quitnet . com
Your Quit Date is:Friday, June 24, 2005 at 6:30:00 PM
Time Smoke-Free:69 days, 10 hours, 38 minutes and 3 seconds
Cigarettes NOT smoked:1389
Lifetime Saved:10 days, 14 hours
Money Saved:$245.00
now i'm really off to workin !!
now this is easy!! if you would have asked which Stephen King books i haven't read, or perhaps John Grisham or Patricia Cornwell, my answer would be "i've read them all" .. and just last week, i ordered Patricia Cornwells newest book, Predator which is scheduled for release on October 25th !! but just a few months ago i discovered a new favorite author and today i went online to see which of his books i haven't read yet .. the author is Robert K. Tanenbaum and these books are from his Marlene Ciampi Series
anyway, here are the books that i haven't read yet ...
True JusticeAct of RevengeReckless EndangermentIrrestible ImpulseFalsely AccusedCorruption of BloodJustice DeniedMaterial WitnessReversible ErrorImmoral CertaintyDepraved IndifferenceNo Lesser Plea
my daughter and i exchanged test messages late into the night wednesday .. i had taken a shot of one of our cats, Bubba, with his arm wrapped around my bed table .. and he was sound asleep ..
so i text messaged the picture to her .. i swear .. she'd respond to my message in seconds flat .. me, i had to turn on the light ... slowly type out my message and then struggle to remember how to send it .. but my phone is full of silly messages from her that still make me laugh
on another note, and before i tackle this huge stack of papers on my home office desk, last i got a call from my 20 year old son who is colleging (hehe) in hawaii .. he called to tell me he missed me
::deep contented motherly sigh:: be still my hearti don't remember what we talked about exactly .. just chit chat, catching up .. i reminded him about my upcoming chemo on the 9th .. and he had some news for me .. he hasn't touched a cigarette since he returned back to school earlier this month!!!!! he wanted to make sure he had a good chance of succeeding before he shared his news with me .. he still won't say "i've quit" but he hasn't smoked since August 11th.
See .. something good has come from my lung cancer :) if you want to know how much it means to me that my son is even trying to quit .. its about the best thing he could have done to make me feel like my current struggles haven't all been for nothing .. 'cuse me while i cry
'cept of course, mine are tears of relief and then my son meekly asked me if i'd managed to start using the lesser dosage of nicotine patches yet .. he asked so gently .. so tentatively .. he's always been so tender with my heart .. and i was relieved to be able to tell him that yes, i'd changed from the daily nicotine dosage of 24 mg to 12 mg a day
here's my own "statistics" from quitnet . com
Your Quit Date is:Friday, June 24, 2005 at 6:30:00 PM
Time Smoke-Free:69 days, 10 hours, 38 minutes and 3 seconds
Cigarettes NOT smoked:1389
Lifetime Saved:10 days, 14 hours
Money Saved:$245.00
now i'm really off to workin !!
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